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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Ashamed and guilty/sad :(

    Hello,

    Sorry I'm not sure which forum this would most be appropriate for. Please feel free to move it elsewhere if this is not the right spot.

    I’m about to post something I’ll probably get abused for, but I hope not. I genuinely need some help or at least to know I’m not the only one out there feeling like this.

    First of all, before you start judging and saying what I know you’re about to say – PLEASE don’t judge me. I judge myself enough already. 1) I KNOW how lucky I am; 2) I KNOW people are in much worse situations than me (MUCH WORSE!) and 3) I KNOW some women go for years, through IVF, adoptions, etc etc with still no luck. I remind myself every.single.day. So please, try not to judge. I just need to find out if I’m the only one feeling like this and if I am, so be it. If not, or even if I am, perhaps it might help someone else out there with their do we or don’t we decide to have a child?

    My husband and I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. We were married young and have been married for quite some time now. We had already been married about 10 years before we had our daughter (after years of trying). For years we didn’t know if we even wanted a child or children. I never had a ‘biological clock ticking’ (still don’t). The main reason we decided to try is because I saw my husband getting clucky. I decided the best gift in the world I could give him was the gift of a child. Although it was difficult to conceive her, after about 3 years we were successful. We would not have gone the IVF route, as we decided that was for those who REALLY longed for a child. We had both come to accept that we would be happy if it happened and happy if it didn’t. We liked our lives as a very close, happiest-couple we knew childless couple.

    We still love each other dearly but things have been hard. It’s not the same as before. We both work and have long drives. We are both constantly exhausted (I know I know, the life of a parent ;P). Until about a year ago, I didn’t want to have another child. I had such a rough birthing process/at least year-long recovery plus severe depression issues. I was loving being back in my career (I’ve always been very career-minded, more than child-minded). But of course as our DD got older she started to ask for a sibling and sooo many people piped up with “ohh you can’t let her be any only child”. (Apparently everyone else’s opinion started to get to me and I should not have let it as they were nowhere near in the same situation we were in). DH was also keen on another child but was also happy to accept if we only had the one (he really is the most wonderful man on earth). So, for him and for DD, we decided to start trying to see what happened.

    This time it took a year to fall pregnant. The thing is, since we hadn’t yet been successful, I had *just* finally made the decision I definitely didn’t want another child (and DH said he was about a month behind me on making the same decision) when to our surprise our last try actually worked. There were many reasons. One is my DH is from another country and we’ll never be able to afford to see his family with two kids (barely can with one) and no, they’ll never come here. DD loves her grandparents but has only met them once and God knows when she’ll ever be able to see them in person again. So it breaks my heart to know it’ll be even more difficult for them to see each other. (We do talk on Skype sometimes). I don’t expect those with partners from the same country to understand. Matter of fact it was one of DH’s extended family members who kept piping up with: “You can’t let her be an only child, that’ll be awful” and making me feel guilty on THAT front too. This from a woman who has grown up literally in the same house, same city with her extended family also living in the same city.

    Now, and here is the part I feel incredibly guilty about for the better part of 24 hours a day. I’m crying as I type this now.

    I am so ashamed to say, despite being in a good relationship, having a gorgeous DD I’d give my life for, a job, roof over our heads (and plenty of debt too sigh)….and being blessed with the chance to have not one but two children ….it seems everyone else except me is happy about this pregnancy/new baby. I KNOW I’ll love the bub and take care of him/her when he/she arrives. I KNOW how lucky I am. I know there are children sick in hospital or dying.
    That’s why I’m begging you to please not all start on the ‘I wish I had your problem’ ‘You don’t know how lucky you are’ etc judging and reminding. I KNOW. Why do you think I am so ashamed? As I said, I remind myself every.single.day. if not hour.

    But all I can think of at the moment is how I don’t want the baby. How I regret having children at all. How it is the biggest mistake my husband and I made.
    That said as I mentioned I also suffer from clinical depression. It was diagnosed before having DD but has gotten worse now. I have also some other health issues (on TOP of depression) that I won’t go into but they are long-term (diagnosed after having DD) and very, very hard to manage but I feel like are basically robbing me of a lot of positive things I could be focussing on right now.

    Giving the baby up is NOT an option. I would never do that. But I can’t help thinking of the negative – how we’ll rarely get to see the grandparents in the other country (and who I also love dearly); how now my dream career may not happen. (I’m already in my mid-30s) and due to my other health issues I’m struggling to keep up my reputation at work as it is. Yes my career is important to me. Sorry I’m not the type to be a full time stay at home Mum (I’m no good with babies). I admire those who can do that, I really don’t know how you do. Plus we can’t really afford for us to do that even if I did like being a FT SAHM. I’ve already changed to PT work due to health reasons and wanting to see DD more. But I’m crap at doing educational things with her.

    Anyway I digress. I couldn’t believe my own thoughts the other day when I was playing with DD and though “I really don’t like being a parent”. What a horrible mother I am.

    Sorry, I’m probably rambling. Happens when you’re exhausted 24 hours a day, past the point of regular exhaustion.

    I hope some of this made sense. Thks.

  2. #2
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    I think you are very brave.

    I also think you love your DD/bub very much, and this is why you feel upset.

    You are not a horrible mother.

    I've got to run, but I'll come back.

  3. #3
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    A lot of the things you're feelng are very common, please don't be ashamed.

    Are you seeng a doctor or psychologist for your depression?

    I have felt that way at tmes too, especially when I was pregnant with DS 2. Now he is the light of my life and brings me more joy than I thought possible.

    Do you have much support here? Friends/ other family? Its very hard when you're far away from grandparents.

    There's a great private forum on here for people with PND/ antenatel depression. I think if you send a mod a message they can give you access. Its full of lovely, supportive, understanding ladies.

  4. #4
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    Sounds like things are pretty rough for you right now. I know that as soon as I got pregnant I was SO much more negative and struggled to see issues clearly. Has that been the case for you? Maybe your dh can help you see things a bit clearer, or have you got a friend who knows the in's & out's of your life a bit better who could be a voice of reason for you?

    Don't base your decisions on your financial ability to take the kids overseas. That is definitely something that can change. Your finances might change, you never know. I decided that I couldn't afford to work part time so I took a full time job instead. Then, after I started the full time job I realised that with tax breaks and the family tax benefit/etc I probably would have been ok to just do the part time job. It was only in retrospect though and I had committed to the full time job for 12 months and had to stick with it and leave my ds 5 days a week . We've also just inherited some money recently (small amount) that was totally unexpected. I know that doesn't happen to everyone, but we didn't expect it and yet it's happened. Sometimes these things aren't predictable.

    I understand careers and health issues and babies. It's a hard mix and I have personally found it quite hard. I was pregnant last year and at a critical time in my career and I had to take a huge pay cut cause I was too sick/physically unable to work much at all. I was worried it would affect my long term prospects and ability to make a good career for myself. But, I've done ok. Yes, it's put me 'back a year' in some ways, but I've also been able to accept a dream role this year that has just opened up, but if I'd been working more hours from last year then I wouldn't have been able to accept this dream role. I was burnt by work when I was pregnant last time and eventhough I changed employers I expected to be burnt and overlooked this time too ... but it wasn't the case and in fact I could have heaps more work if I wanted it, but I had to decline (partially due to my health issues).

    I spent a lot of my pregnancy (#2) concerned about what it was going to do to my career and my business (I started a new business as well when I was 6 weeks pregnant - don't recommend that!). As a result I struggled to enjoy my pregnancy. But, I now have this lovely little girl who is amazing and I'm thrilled to have her as part of our lives. I can't imagine life without her. But, I won't be going back for #3 - my health issues mean it's not recommended, apart from the fact that as a small business owner with a growing business, taking time out from that business is not ideal for long term growth.

    I suggest you talk to your GP and a psychologist and help you work through your issues. It sounds like whatever decision you make will be difficult for you and you need help with it.

    As for managing your 3yo, that's a different issue, but don't worry about that. That's easily something you can work on with help from lovely bubhub mummies - ask about what activities to do with a 3yo, what books/toys do people recommend, and what to expect from a 3yo. You should get some helpful answers to help you feel confident in that area.

    Huge

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  6. #5
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    I think things also seem a lot worse when you are exhausted. I have health issues myself, so I understand where you are coming from there. When I am my sickest, everything feels insurmountable. Then I have a better day and I wonder why I was so worried!

    Can you think of anything you can do to get some 'quick wins' energy wise?

    Have you got anyone IRL that you can have a frank conversation about this stuff with?

    I wish I could help more.

  7. #6
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    No one will judge you here and your feelings are valid. I want you to know that first and foremost.

    Depression can make you think horrible things, God knows I'll vouch for that first hand. Are you seeing a professional? I really feel for you hun
    It's not fair that you should feel like this! Are you on AD's?

    I just want you to know that you are not a bad person and nor are you a bad mother. You have an illness that unfortunately can cloud your feelings and judgements. I really feel that the depression is playing a huge role in all of this.

    PM me if you need to talk but all I can offer you for now are hugs hugs and mroe hugs.

    You're very very brave and I applaud you for acknowledging your feelings

  8. #7
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    It must be very hard for you to put these thoughts down in words and i really commend you for that. How far along in your pregnancy are you? Perhaps a combination of your hormones and depression are making you feel even more overwhelmed. I think you should speak to a counsellor as there appear to be a few issues at play here (health, depression, pregnancy etc)Ireally think you will benefit from talking to someone without the fear of judgement who can genuinely hel you process everything that is happening. Also have a chat to ur gp about how you feel, they may be able to reccomend some services for help.

  9. #8
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    Depression is hard. Please be kind to yourself. Get help. Tell your husband what you are thinking and THAT YOU NEED HELP!

    I've recovered from crippling depression to become a happier, wiser woman. You will, too, I am sure, but don't try and manage this alone. You need help, and it is strong to get that help.

    I'm sorry I can't help more, but I just want to say again, be kind to yourself.

  10. #9
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    I promise you, you are not the only person to ever feel this way. There have been posts like this on bubhub before, and nothing but understanding and support in response. It is a HUGELY difficult thing to admit and talk about, and you are very brave.

    The measure of a good mother is NOT how much she enjoys it. The fact that you don't enjoy it but you still do it speaks volumes about how much you love your DD and how good a person you are.

    A few things that come to mind though - is there any way your situation could improve in the future? You might not be able to visit family overseas in your current financial situation, but could you or your husband end up with significant promotions or payrises in the future?

    As for your career - not sure what you do but I have managed to maintain mine as a single mother in my 30s in a very male-centric industry, so I think it probably IS possible. There are anti-discrimination laws to protect you - if you are being discrminated against because of your pregnancy OR your illness then please look into your options to take action.

    Please don't buy into the view others have that you must be a SAHM to be a good mother, that putting your children in full-time daycare is bad. I know a lot of kids who went to full-time daycare (my DD included) who are wonderful, happy, well-adjusted, much-loved, intelligent, delightful kids.

    Anyway, if you would like to chat please feel free to PM me

  11. #10
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    I'm an outsider, I don't know you, so hopefully my observations may be helpful. I really hope so.

    It seemed to me that lots of things you described are felt by many people - many struggle with career vs child rearing - it isn't unusual, so I don't think you should have great cause to feel so ashamed - the fact that you do, is a shame in itself. I know that sometimes it is really difficult to accept things in ourselves that we don't really like, but when you can accept that that's who you truly are, life is simpler. Other people's opinions of us only matter if we let them matter.

    On the grandparents issue - some grandparents are fantastic, some are okay, some would rather not be grandparents. The fact is, they are an extension of your family - fabulous if they can be involved, but you know what? The function of your family unit (you, your husband and your 2 children) is FAR more important than a relationship the kids may or may not have with their grandparents. You have your own family now.

    As to feeling depressed about this pregnancy - it has been my experience that every pregnancy brings with it a certain amount of trepidation, whether it has been longed for, or not. As with all things, there is an adjustment period - for the most part, we learn to adjust and often later wonder why we were ever doubtful.

    You're a crap mum? Can't do educational stuff with your daughter? You know, I reckon if you asked 10 mums on the street how much they really do with their kids (crafts, activities, etc.) you'd find many really don't do THAT much. Perhaps your expectations are different to the reality. Children who are left to play without constant supervision or interaction with mum or dad are every bit as inventive, intelligent and creative as a child who has a parent hovering over their every move. In my opinion, often more so. It is a child's understanding of unwavering love and support from their parents that strengthens them and makes them whole. Children know when you're insincere, they feel it. So if you don't like playing, so be it. Your daughter loves you anyway.

    It seems to me that maybe you've spent a great deal of your life trying to please others when perhaps you should look more inward and ask yourself what it is YOU really want.

    Good luck!


 

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