And it's now becoming a more regular occurrence and its eating me up. I hate myself for losing my temper and resorting to hurting my child because I simply ran out of other options in the heat of the moment. I just find it so hard not to yell or smack when my DS (2.5yrs) hits me across the face in a tanty, kicks, throws hard toys at his baby sister, pushes her/other children over, yells at us aggressively etc etc. He has been aggressive long before he started being smacked back, and his aggression is built in not learned (never been around it, watched it, have an otherwise calm happy household).
Any advice? I have heard Children Are People Too is a good book to read?
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12-04-2012 20:00 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2011
Smacking - I hate it, but I do it :(
12-04-2012 20:11 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
Children are people too is great As is buddhism for mothers.
12-04-2012 20:17 #3
Just want to give you a big *hug*
You're not a terrible mum. You're just finding your DS difficult to deal with and I'm sure 99% of mums have been there. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice
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12-04-2012 23:04 #4Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2012
- Brisbane North
I hear u. Our DS is going through a phase of just wanting to whine and whinge for something. I'm due in 2 weeks and the last month has seemed horrible. For me that is, I feel like I'm always telling him off and then some days I feel like I'm being to soft to compensate for the day before.
I hate smacking to discipline but find that it gets quicker results. I've seen the effects of smacking and am trying so hard not to! We're also living with a grandfather figure who spoils our DS so when he gets disciplined by me (non-physical or physical) he runs to him and gets sympathy/attention reversing what I was trying to teach him! Very frustrating!!!
Sorry, was trying to help but really can't say much other than as long as u can acknowledge that u are smacking and can pull urself up before u turn discipline into abuse then Ur child is safe. Let me know how the books go and if there is anything in them that stood out to u. Who knows might pick it up and read it too?! Hehe...
12-04-2012 23:12 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
The books mentioned were my saviours, plus "Raising your spirited child". I smacked my DD and it broke my heart - it was out of sheer frustration and helplessness.
You are human and therefore we stuff up - when we know better we do better.
I don't know where you live, but I'd happily post you my copies of Children are people too and raising your spirited child xxx
12-04-2012 23:19 #6
II'm trying to avoid smacking ds too.. DP seems to think it's ok though but my issue is how do you stop violence with violence? We seldom do it, but it still worries me. DS is in a horrible stage ATM where he is being defiant and pushing the boundaries.
I'm very much trying to see more into the reasons behind ds' behavior. He's very independent, loves attention and is just sometimes grumpy.
Growing up with the violence and open smacking/ hitting, I believe (for me) it's a slippery slope to becoming someone I don't have contact with anymore. I don't want ds to do that with me.. It would break my heart. :-(
Good luck .. Hugs.. Xxoo
Last edited by MumDadBoyandGirl; 13-04-2012 at 00:00.
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12-04-2012 23:28 #7
I want to say how impressed i am that you admitted this. Its so brave. There are other strategies that are much more effective and will give you much more control over the situations so that you feel empowered in your patenting style.
Firstly, You just have to stop hitting. I know I don't have to say it coz you know it but the message you are giving him is very mixed. You r hitting him for showing no self control and yet you are not displaying much yourself. This is not a judgement just an observation.
I suggest doing 123 Magic course or if you don't have the money for that (it's about $200) then I suggest you buy the toddler taming book and implement time outs.
I know your frustration but you have to find a more self controlled behaviour plan. He needs to know where he stands with you, what the expectations are and what the consequences are.
Successful behaviour management is a finely tuned instrument. He needs to be rewarded, praised and adored but he also needs firm boundaries and outlined consequences.
You need to be kind to yourself and find empowerment in a good plan.
Pm me if you want any tips on how we manage our dd. good luck.
13-04-2012 00:10 #8
I think a great way to help yourself out of this is to identify situations in the past where you have smacked, and then think about what you would have preferred to do instead, and then have a REALLY concrete plan in mind for next time a situation arises when you could be tempted to smack.
I think part of it is monitoring your own reactions, observe yourself when you get angry, and get to know your reactions, do you start by clenching your teeth, feeling hot in the face, feeling rage etc etc.
If you know your own stress/anger reactions, then you can make a plan that when you start to feel a certin way, where you know your feelings are beginning to get to boiling point, but you are still thinking clearly, then you can go "Right, time to start a, b c, to sort this issue out"
Also, if you wanted to share it with your OH, and then both of you can support each other in the 'new regime' and remind each other, or even step in to start proceedings when one preson seems to be getting to the boiling point.
I think it's a matter of practise, you've made the first and hardest step of "I don't want to do this anymore" so substitute your smacking for a simple and well rehearsed alternative.
I had to do this 'cos I was yelling too much at my kids, and with practise it has really worked for me. Also, the kids know misbehaviour has predictable consequences here (mostly in their room until they can act properly) which also helps. 2 1/2 is still really young, at that age distraction and separation were my two biggest friends, and when my second son used to always pick on his baby brother awfully, I simply had to make sure I had one or the other in line of sight at all times.
Really tough stuff.
Take care and all the best
Last edited by MilkingMaid; 13-04-2012 at 00:15.
13-04-2012 01:44 #9-
- Join Date
- Feb 2010
- Home, where my life lies waiting, silently, for me.
123 magic is great. we were lucky enoughto have the local playgroup run a course, with the community house (free)
13-04-2012 02:04 #10
Yea we do 123 magic at our school and it does wonders even for our most difficult children. You basically have to be very consistent and count 1 for the first offense (place a peg on the chart giving ur child the visual - don't give the child too much attention while doing it), 2 if it's repeated and at 3 you're in a short time out. This is repeated 3 times... And the time outs get slightly longer... And at a certain time of the day, say midday the pegs get taken off the chart... (shorter periods if he tends to be timed too often)
I'm sure u will find detailed info on this online... I u can't attend a course..
It is however difficult to do this with another little one though coz u need to be consistent. Also lots of positives for the slightest thing done well works wonders..
I'd actually start a positive chart before going down the 123 magic path... Stickers or stars with short term rewards.. it's probably an attention thing so try to set aside a little time just for you to spend with him alone without ur lil one... Good luck..
Ps - I have a terrible temper myself and dread my ds ever getting to this stage. He's currently 18 months and quite placid. Hope I can practice what I preach if it ever comes to this.. lol
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