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  1. #1
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    Default Please help - I need some advice urgently!!!!

    Hi all,

    I need a hand- some thoughts/advice please. Please forgive the length of my story. I am the mum of 2 beautiful girls.

    I broke up with my eldest girls dad ad later met my current partner & father of my 10 week old baby girl. He is the love of my life - my true soul mate.

    My 3.5 year old has always had some learning difficulties/ speech delay. It has taken a long time and a lotta hard work to get her to the stage where she is even able to communicate. She is a very poor sleeper & has been given a diagnosis of having an autism spectrum disorder- likely toward the ADHD end of the spectrum. Her behaviour & tantrums are atrocious. She is and always has been continuously demanding. The more that some one else tries to spend time with me/if I try and have a conversation/do something for myself, her behaviour becomes uncontrollable. I am struggling to breast feed my 10 week old as a result. I don't remember the last time I brushed my hair. On top of this, I suffer from depression & OCD as a result of being molested when I was a little girl. Having a mental illness has been trying on my current relationship however I am receiving treatment and taking relevant measures to improve my condition. I don't have any family support from either side. Both our families are very dis functional and as a result we have no support.

    My life is not easy, but I'm sure there are billions of women out there who have it harder than me.

    This is my reality - I must deal with it. I am confident that even though I can't do much at the moment because of my 3.5 year olds behaviour (excessive tantrums whenever we leave the house), I know this will get better with age, intervention (occupational therapy) etc.
    At least I hope so.

    My partner has told me he can't live with my dd1 anymore. He told me he cant stand having no life because of someone else's child. He says it's not his fault I had a child with an idiot. He said if it was just one thing to deal with, I.e.; if I was just trying to deal with mental health issues for example, then that would be ok, but he said he doesn't have the capacity to deal with everything we have to deal with at the moment. He said its too hard to come home from work and have to deal with a child that is unruly and he does not feel like he can go and do stuff for himself. I get that it's difficult to deal with, No one knows how hard my dd1 is from day to day other than me. But I'm her mum. I am her only chance at decent development opportunities.

    My partner and I get a break each weekend when she goes to her dad, but he has said that's not enough anymore. He said he does not look forward to coming home. He can't relax etc.

    I am doing pretty much all the looking after of our new bubba at the moment. Surviving on minimal sleep and putting myself well and truly last. Last night I became so distressed about everything that's happening I tore my own hair out.

    My partner has been getting a fair bit of sleep this weekend while dd1 is away, but i haven't really had a break. I just think to myself, just suck it up and it will get easier- fingers crossed.

    I cry and cry when he has told me he can't live with us anymore. I would stick by him through anything I swear. I love him that much.
    Are his points valid and an I being unrealistic. Please help.

  2. #2
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    I am sorry things are so tough for you at the moment.
    I dont have much advice expect perhaps you both need to see a counseller together to work out ways to better handle with the issues at hand.

    I am sorry your DP feels the need to leave you.
    I can understand him being frustrated by the 3yo but I really think he should be there to help with his daughter (your newborn)

    What if when he gets home from work you can allocate him the task of minding the baby in another room whilst you tend your DD when she is having a tantrum or meltdown.

    ETA - Would you consider putting your 3yo in occasional care for a few hours a week to get a break ? I think most community houses have cheap daycare.

    Also another thing that might help would to be joining a playgroup, maybe a specific one that caters for children with autism ?

    Playgroup can be a good support for you too, being able to talk to other mums and what not.

    What state are you located in ?
    Last edited by Thunderstorm; 01-04-2012 at 08:19.

  3. #3
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    so sorry you are going through all this. It is tough enough coping with a new born but having other things going on as well must be exhausting.

    Could you send you DD1 to Daycare for one day a week? Would she cope with this? Just wondering if it would give you a bit more breathing space? Not sure what state you are in but here in Tasmania they have a program for children with a diagnosed disability to be able to attend child care with a support worker/aide. This is so childcare centres can't discriminate against a child & refuse to have them in care.

    I can sort of understand where your partner is coming from, and he is probably missing out on some of the bonding time with his newborn DD because things are disruptive a home. Could you maybe work somethingout so that when he comes home he gives DD2 a bath while you do something with DD1 - give her a bath, put on pj's or give her dinner etc? Maybe try and time it so you can both have dinner after DD1 has had hers and gone to sleep?

    Goodluck

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    Thanks for your reply- she is in Pre school 3 days a week and I try to do the thing with bub where minds her whilst I tend to dd1 however he tells me that bub doesn't want him and he says he doesn't know what to do with her - I don't know if he really likes being a dad and step dad- he said he is sick of not being a normal man and he feels like he is on a timer. When I tell him I'm feeling the pinch too and cry and get upset, he kinda just looks at me. Doesn't say much - I don't know anymore

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    hopefully2  (01-04-2012)

  6. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hope01 View Post
    Thanks for your reply- she is in Pre school 3 days a week and I try to do the thing with bub where minds her whilst I tend to dd1 however he tells me that bub doesn't want him and he says he doesn't know what to do with her - I don't know if he really likes being a dad and step dad- he said he is sick of not being a normal man and he feels like he is on a timer. When I tell him I'm feeling the pinch too and cry and get upset, he kinda just looks at me. Doesn't say much - I don't know anymore
    If he wants to be a 'man' then he should harden up and start supporting you .
    As a new dad he may be finding things hard but the more time he spends with the newborn the stronger his bond with her will be.

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    Thank you its nice to hear someone else share my thoughts - I thought maybe I was not looking at it from a fair perspective - but your right - that's very true

  8. #7
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    Look I have little advice except to please please please go see your GP and access assistance. You need to demand support from agencies. Please you don't have to do this alone.

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  10. #8
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    Wow. You are going through a hell of a lot- and he wants to bail on you now?? I'm sorry but it might be tough on him at the moment, but it's 100 times tougher on you- do you get to leave when the going gets tough? No. I'm so sorry he is putting you in such a hard position. It's awful that he blames you for your first DD- so unfair, and to walk when you LO is 10 weeks? He's sounds like a prize @rsehat TBH. I wonder if he realises that he is showing he can't be counted on when things get hard? These challenges are part of life and part of being a parent- and it's really a bit late for him to decide he doesn't really want to be a dad! You could try counselling if you think he would go? You are nder so much stress that it seems even if he won't go to it, maybe you should- you need some looking after- have you got friends that can help you?

  11. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hope01 View Post
    Thanks for your reply- she is in Pre school 3 days a week and I try to do the thing with bub where minds her whilst I tend to dd1 however he tells me that bub doesn't want him and he says he doesn't know what to do with her - I don't know if he really likes being a dad and step dad- he said he is sick of not being a normal man and he feels like he is on a timer. When I tell him I'm feeling the pinch too and cry and get upset, he kinda just looks at me. Doesn't say much - I don't know anymore
    The strength of a relationship is based on the hard times. He needs to step up and be a partner not a fair weathered friend! Tell him you need to work as a team to make it easier on each other. Formulate a plan of who does what during the evening shift. Afternoons/evenings are difficult but are made easier when they are firmly mapped out. Your eldest will respond well to a fixed routine too!

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    PurpleButterfly4  (01-04-2012),Thunderstorm  (01-04-2012)

  13. #10
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    I think he's being selfish and unfair. He has a child with you. He can't just leave because it's too hard. Having kids is hard, and unrelenting. He gets a break all weekend, so it's only the night times anyway.

    He needs to go do a parenting course and get some professional help, as the problem is his, not yours.

    My partner is slightly more sympathetic to these men than I am. He thinks that men have a harder time coping with loss of independence and family responsibilities.


 

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