Not sure where else to post, so hoping this is a good spot... Its in regards to my in-laws and the way I want to parent my children.
So... birthdays, easter, christmas, mothers day etc. has always been about my husbands family... like for me it was always about my family. Now we have our own family my in0laws dont seem to understand why we ditch them. I have a big rule in my home "we dont go out on school nights/Arvos". This doesnt suit them, they like to do things on a sunday night... and we live an hour away from them.
My kids have school and my husband and I have work... we dont have the time to do things on sundays. Now we know Christmas and Easter have a public holiday the next day, but we have a different belief system on how to spend easter... we are not christian. We do not want our children attending the 'religious' festivities, and would much prefer to have them do what we want with our traditions.
My in-laws think I am dragging my husband away, which it sounds like I am, but its not all about me. My husband wont allow my kids in their house for certain medical reasons (which I am happy to ignore), and so it makes me look bad because we dont invite them over... they are only available sunday afternoons from 3.30pm... which is the red zone for me.
Am I horrible? Or is it time for my in-laws to understand we have a different family system? ALSO if we look at his family, it would seem his father ditched his family for his wife. Is it so bad?
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29-03-2012 19:18 #1
In-Law issues... and holidays
29-03-2012 20:10 #2Our family is complete!
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My BIL and SIL often invite us to do something on a school night and usually it starts at 7pm...my kids bed time. I always say no. Their kids don't go to bed until 9pm so they probably think I'm nuts but tough luck...I'm the one who gets the tired, cranky kids the next day and has to suffer. DH always just says 'thanks, but the kids are in bed at 7pm and they don't cope well with late nights' which is true.
If they would be able to come to your house at 3.30pm on the Sunday though I would be okay with that. I would tell them that the kids are in bed by x time because it is a school night.
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29-03-2012 20:14 #3
DH, DD and myself come first THEN my parents then inlaws lol.
DHs family still get moody when we say no to taking our 2 year old out to some "event" at 8pm!! If it's an extra special occasion we will work it out but I honestly don't care anymore. Me and DH always make the best decisions for our family.
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29-03-2012 20:51 #4
Sometimes you have to compromise.. Not always, but sometimes.
29-03-2012 21:49 #5
Could a compromise be that they come to you on a Sunday evening? I can understand you not wanting to drag the kids out on a school night, but would it really matter if they came to you??
I think that maybe you might need to 'give' a little... I know how hard it is, I have had the same issues with my inlaws for years and to a point I had to get over it and compromise to make them feel loved and needed.....
30-03-2012 17:32 #6
Its not an option :-( We have tried it. My girl doesnt nap, so we NEED her to sleep at the right times otherwise it all goes out of wack.
30-03-2012 18:48 #7
So instead you just won't see them unless it's a public holiday?
That sounds harsh to me, perhaps you could invite them over or visit on friday nights or Saturday's?
You sound like you want them to work around your preferred hours but you don't really sound like you care about working around theirs...
I think you may need to make some compromises if you want your kids to have a relationship with your husbands family..
Sorry if that seems harsh but just my opinion :-)
30-03-2012 20:00 #8
It's your dh's family and their grandchildren. I understand your concern about messed up routines, but you say NEVER allowed to go out on a school night? Not even for a special occasion? I fully understand stuffed up routines & an hour away is far from close, but to say that work & routine comes before family is a big call.
I get together with my parents & my siblings & their kids on a school night every week. Yes, my ds gets to bed an hour late on that night, but the time spent with his cousins & me (and my dh) with my family is invaluable, especially when our kids are so young & ever changing.
I do think your in-laws need to give a little too. Get your dh to talk to them and say that it's really important that they leave by 7pm so you can get ready for the next day, but make sure he also tells them how much you want to see them & for them to be part of your lives. Give them more than a few chances to get the leaving time thing right. I know I personally lose track of time when I'm at family functions and often stay later than I plan.
As for not wanting to celebrate Easter & Christmas with them because they're religious ... is that really what you are saying? If so, what harm does it really do for you to see the in-laws at Easter & Christmas? I'm not saying spending the whole day in Church is required, but is a visit for an hour or two really going to be that bad? I can't imagine not letting my in-laws see my kids at Christmas & Easter.
Sorry if this seems harsh. I understand it's hard to keep everyone happy but your dd is still very young and wanting to only do your family tradition stuff on weekends/holidays is a bit premature I'd say. We still got together with my extended family (Mum's family at lunch on Christmas Day & Dad's family on Boxing Day) til I was 20 years old. In fact, after a few years break, we're back to celebrating with my Mum's family every Christmas again. It does make it hard to fit everything in, but family is so important.
30-03-2012 21:37 #9
I think you sound a bit strict routine wise TBH there's gotta be some balance!!
If you can't 'break routine' for things like Birthdays, Easter, Christmas what can you compromise on?!!
How will your kids ever learn to cope with change if they are so regimented in their routines?!
Our school has school functions that go later than 5:30, our kids also play sport that goes late as well so no way would they be able to start a bedtime routine from 5:30 when sport or functions are still going then, all on school nights! Hell sometimes things finish after 7!!
Your kids deserve a relationship with their grandparents so you need to find a solution that works for all!
Why not take their PJs and bath and change them there and if it's an hour away I'm sure they can sleep in the car and you can put them straight to bed when you get home?
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30-03-2012 22:16 #10
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