Hugs to you! At 16 I was in a not-so-healthy relationship and fell pregnant. I had no idea what I wanted to do! I was an over-achiever at school, house captain, etc. I was unsure about how I felt about a baby - I loved the thought of this new life inside me, but I didn't think I was ready. My "partner" at the time, and I use the term partner loosely, said if I didn't have an abortion then I'd be raising a baby all by myself. I was PETRIFIED as some naive, scared 16 year old girl. I ended up having a termination after being bullied into it.
If I had been older, I would have kept the baby. I wouldn't have given a stuff about what he said. But I was young and scared and I just did what I was told. I regretted it for a long time out of guilt, but at the same time, I'm glad that I don't have to be in constant contact with him for the rest of my life.
On the other side of the coin, my cousin got pregnant 2 weeks into a relationship and the father was not interested. And then as the birth became closer, he finally came round. He is the most doting father now (she is 8), and he and my cousin got married and had another baby. So they do come round eventually lots of the time
I think you are at a great age, and you're obviously excited about becoming pregnant. I have a 7mnth old at 22yrs and I can tell you now that that baby growing inside you is the BEST part of you and you have no idea how lucky you are that that little boy or girl chose you to be it's mummy! I think you'll do a fantastic job! Good luck
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29-03-2012 21:51 #41
29-03-2012 22:04 #42
I'm echoing the "it's absolutely possible for a father to give up his child as if she were a used piece of toilet paper," sentiment.
He can even do that after spending the first 3 years of his child's life as an active parent... not just every other weekend, but actually living with the child too.
This was my ex... and now he hasn't seen or spoken to or given child support for or sent a birthday/Christmas present to our daughter in over 1.5 years. He hadn't spoken to her for about 6 months before that either.
He might have a fleeting thought about her occasionally for all I know - but that's about all he has to do with her. His choice completely... it had nothing to do with me. I was quite accommodating to him seeing her... he's just a selfish douche.
Sure, men are fathers the instant they have a child... but that doesn't mean they have to do anything other than donate their sperm.
29-03-2012 22:18 #43
He sounds like a tosser. You are both responsible for the pregnancy happening. Given you have only known each other for 7 weeks, I would get some std testing during your antenatal care. Obviously you didn't know each other as well as you thought.
Don't be pressured, you have to live with your decision. His decision was to have unprotected sex and he has to live with that. That was where his control over the outcome ended. Good luck.
29-03-2012 22:58 #44Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
I went through the same as well to an extent. I have a daughter who is nearly 9 and a son that is almost 8- both fathered by my ex husband, who was never much of a father to his first child that is now almost 13. I had to force him to parent that child. He stopped being a fsther to our two kids as soon as I left him and has never looked back. I was in another relationship five years ago with a man I have known for about 20 years now. Everything was perfect, much like you say of your romance with this man. I can confidently say he was head over heels for me while I was reeling from leaving.my husband and moving quite slowly. Then I got pregnant. He pressured me daily to abort. Told me we could only be together if I aborted and it was my fault and my decision, but one that would cost me him. He even threatened to commit suicide. Nothing he ever followed through on of course. I ended up having to cease contact with him until the first few months were out of the way, even though id fallen in love with him. A few days after I found out we were having a boy (he was still pressuring me to reconsider at 19 weeks as tho thats possible) the dr noticed problems on u/s. Part of his heart never developed. Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Often repairable w surgery after birth but my sons heart stopped beating. The father never once went to a dr appt with me and started telling ppl I was never really pregbant but made it up. He stuck around (by that I mean slowly stopped texting me or calling me or seeing me but would still answer my calls) for about two months and then just dropped off the planet and out of my life. He still likes to act like it never happened. Im not saying my story is just like yours. All men arent terrible w these situations, but people show u very early on who they are. He is showing u exactly what hes all about. Stop being such a woman and looking for reasons for his behavior or how to fix it. Think like a man. Like he is. Accept this is who he is and walk away
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30-03-2012 09:27 #45
That's a terrible loss Babiesoneday, I'm so sorry to hear you went through this.
This is such a useful discussion for the OP _ hope you're still with us StephanieC.
The father of my teenagers abandoned them when our twins were 3 weeks old and DS was 18 months. By abandon, I mean he got on a plane and went to live in another country. He wanted me to abort the second pregnancy even after we found out it was a twin pregnancy, and sadly we had lost a twin in the first pregnancy followed by a very premature birth of DS. The man had decided that he wasn't into fatherhood and family life. A bit ****ing late.
The first pregnancy was an accepted accident and I was delighted by it (at 25 yo & 33yo) - we hadn't been together long, we got engaged, bought a house and renovated it. The second pregnancy was the result of domestic violence. After DDs were born he tried to convince me that adopting the three of them was the best thing to do. I got a good dose of PND which was related to the relationship failure and expecting things to be different.
My children have always wanted to know their dad and be wanted by him, and for years I secretly hated their longing for him. This was not helped by the hard work of single motherhood and not having a permanent home. Last year, for some reason, Santa Claus decided to turn up and begin a relationship with them, as he's ready to be a father now. And you know what? The kids didn't even need to pause to forgive him or demand some answers. They just loved him. He has rescheduled two more trips to Australia to see them this year. It's completely disrupted the relationship the kids have with my husband of three years. More hard work.
What I'd like StephanieC to know is:
(a) go for it, no justification is needed
(b) be happy, it is wonderful
(c) he's going through his own baggage and could take a long time at it, he's absorbed with himself, he's worse than useless for the time being, let him be
(d) take up the reins now, don't get distracted
Why is ex boyfriend not ready for fatherhood? Who knows. What we do know is that he is desperate and has crossed boundaries and has behaved badly in trying to deny, avoid and stop impending fatherhood. Unplanned parenthood does that to many people, I think a bad reaction is reasonable in the circumstances. Having a baby is a big deal. Not having two parents is a big deal.
Why was my children's father not ready? The short story is that he was adopted himself at 6 months of age and is an emotionally detached type of person who finds other people "needy". He did get married but didn't have any more kids.
I will work on my sensitivity in future, I can't believe I offended so many people and am sorry for that. Maybe it's my age and world weariness.
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30-05-2012 09:15 #46
01-11-2012 00:53 #47Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
'I'm pregnant and he wants abortion'
Hi Steph, I can totally feel your concerns and sadness because I'm going through exactly the same thing. I was with my boyfriend for 18 months when I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and told him of the "good news" expecting that he would jump with joy. But instead of feeling excited, his whole personality changed. He began to keep his distance and he stopped calling me after a while. Although he said he was happy, deep down I knew he wasn't as he never once talked about my pregnancy. I am now 18 weeks pregnant and nothing has changed. He's still keeping his distance and he still doesn't talk about the pregnancy. I now only see him once a fortnight (if that!)
In my heart, I constantly remind myself that he is irresponsible and I also query whether he is the right one for me. Your bf sounds exactly like my bf! Total d***heads!!! They are not man enough to accept the consequences of their actions and they blame us for getting pregnant.
Just remember when bub is born, it will be their loss. They decided to not want to have anything to do with bub and they will regret for the rest of their lives thinking about bub.
Hugs to you. Stay strong, stay positive. They say there are two things you shouldn't waste your time on: things that don't matter and people who think you don't matter. Keep smiling Steph!
I say to him that its not rocket science to figure out that I may fall pregnant if we have unprotected sex but no matter what I say, he's in constant denial and disbelief.
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02-11-2012 08:27 #48
15-11-2012 14:03 #49Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
Did you ask hi if he wanted kids? Maybe he isnt ready which means he can become ready men are different and some take time to process all this.
Maybe he is in shock which can make people act very strange but this usually wears off and they become great dads.
Give the guy a chance maybe he wants nothing to do with the baby and if that is the case you will know. Not a big deal let him walk and enjoy your baby dont bother him hound him or anything his loss.
15-11-2012 14:25 #50
The a male willingly engages in intercourse he is accepting any responsibilities resulting from the intercourse...including pregnancy...
I find your post very offensive and insensitive to the women going through this. Do you not put any responsibility with the male in this situation?
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