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23-03-2012 17:26 #11
23-03-2012 17:37 #12
Big hugs to you I can not imagine what you are going through. Ok I'm just going to give you my advice you don't have to listen if you dont want but I'd ask him to leave not permanently as you have stated you still love him and it sounds like he still loves you but he clearly has unresolved issue he needs to work on before you guys can go ahead together I think couples counciling while you are seperated is a really good step in the right direction. As well as him to continue going to counciling on his own and don't let him back into your life fully until he has gained all your trust back.
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23-03-2012 17:41 #13Junior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2012
I only went to get the application from my solicitor because I was so angry, my solicitor told me I can only lodge the forms after a year, but I could still fill them out now if it made me feel like the end was nearer.
I more or less did it all out of anger.
It's hard when I love him so much to try and make a decision like this.
But I'm just so hurt and need some time along with out him to try and see if at the end of it, I still want to be with him and also I suppose if he still wants to be with me as well.
Like I said.. So many emotions and no real pull on what to do.
23-03-2012 18:04 #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
I'm sorry you're in this position. Go with your instincts. Take the break to think and see what happens from there. Good luck!
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23-03-2012 18:10 #15
I'm so sorry for you, what a horrid time you've been having. Good on you for being so analytical and observing his behaviour so closely and trying to understand him. And you've given him many chances. You're a good wife!
Everyone says marriage is hard work and I guess that's what you've got right now. My first marriage failed because of a sex addiction on his part and immaturity on mine - and I read and read to try to understand what had happened and what to do with myself and our children. I was less mature than you, I couldn't get past the 'why me?' and 'how could you do this to me?' while the relationship disintegrated.
Betrayal and loss of trust is very hard to get over. It's possible, but your DH would need to be so eager to change and put things right, and you would need to keep wiping the slate clean and provide him with time and opportunities for him to prove himself and let him feel good about being your lovely husband again - without reminding him of the low life he was so very recently.
Men are most likely to stray in the 12 months after the birth of the first child. I read a book called "After the Affair" - it would be a bit out of date now, but it was very useful in understanding my own feelings and what changes could be made to deal with the huge anger and distrust I had.
I reckon that if you want to honour the marriage (your vows), go and see a psychologist together, but DH has to want it just as much because it will involve a lot of hard work. He will need to find something more meaningful to you than flowers and notes, and you'll need to be able to love him as a pathetic, remorseful and humiliated man. Not sexy stuff. A psychologist will also be able to tell you straight if you are wasting your time with him.
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23-03-2012 18:23 #16
I'm gonna quote Dr Phill here by saying the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
I wouldn't cop it at all and i know i'm not you but i just hope that you realise that loving this man shouldn't ever have to also mean having to compromise on your values - which i have to say are pretty basic and reasonable at that!
He had a serious problem with porn and lied about it before making VOWS to you. And you find out later and oh well i guess he assumes once you're married he's safe to do whatever. I don't know.
Sorry, i would like to be more encouraging but from my perspective it's a really bad scenario you have going on here. He sounds immature the way he talks about turning feelings on and off. And my god he practically fell in love with a woman at work.
I just can't fathom how that's possible if he genuinely loves and cares for you. And while i'm sure he does to a degree it hasn't been enough in your short marriage enough to keep him faithful.
I mean he would rather watch and masturbate to porn than have sex with you??!
I just don't see the upshot of being with a man who makes you feel like second best- or not even!
It's not only possible but very common (sadly) for women to fall in love with men who make them feel really bad about themselves. But your love for him shouldn't over ride your self respect or worth and especially his! In my mind at least that's not love.
But i also can tell by what you've written that you're still in love with him. So the only thing i see happening here is that despite the numerous neon danger signs and betrayal on his part you will give him another chance. I truely hope it works out for your sake and that of your child. And also that if it doesn't that it doesn't take too long for you to realise that you are wasted on a man who will throw your love and devotion back in your face like that.
Life truely is too short. We are compelled to follow our hearts i realise. Just please be sure you know what you're signing up for this time around because there is every possibility that he will do it again
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23-03-2012 19:28 #17-
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
- Western Sydney
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, couldn't read and not respond. I have no advice but I would like to think my man only has eyes and shares his heart with me. If for any reason he couldn't give that 100% to me that I deserve, then some other man will be more than happy to be my 100%.
Don't allow yourself a portion. Take all or nothing!
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23-03-2012 19:43 #18Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
You said you're not ready to do marriage counselling...
My DH and I have had huge issues for a while, and it all came to a head in January.
Before we started couples counseling, we both went separately. I never thought opening up to a stranger would be ok but, I didn't want to tell my family and I just needed to let stuff out.
It was great. The counsellor just listened and knew just what to say.
Then when we started together it was easier, and we were both very open to the process.
Try going to talk to someone.. If it's not your thing, then fine, but you might find that it helps.
Good luck. I hope it all works out, it sounds like you love him a lot so I hope you can figure it out.
23-03-2012 19:56 #19
I agree with Laurea. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. That doesn't mean I don't think people can't change, I firmly believe they can. But humans are selfish creatures and when we are getting a pay off (in his case, sexual gratification from p*rn and attention from this girl) we want to keep doing it. It's not until the bad outweighs the good many choose to change.
So I guess my point is, if you choose to forgive him, make him prove he is making changes and make the past behaviour unacceptable and undesirable i.e. telling him straight out any viewing of p*rn or having lunches etc will mean the end of the marriage no if's or buts.
Personally there'd be no going back for me. This sort of behaviour is on my dealbreaker list, but what you choose to do is totally up to you.
I've noticed over the years there have been a lot of threads here with husbands saying they are in love with other women and are seeing them outside of work/the home yet deny cheating. I'm not saying your DH is, but I think you at least need to consider that he may not be telling you the full truth bc he knows how close you are to leaving over the exposure of a emotional affair so he may be too scared to admit to more. Again, not saying that's the case but to make an informed decision I think you need to at least consider it's a possibility
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23-03-2012 20:11 #20
Yep i agree. I forgot to mention also thinking umm who on earth falls in love with someone and only holds hands?
Particularly a man who is as clearly sexually driven as your DH is.
Just something to consider...
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