I've been on both sides of this fence My husband and I were trying for 8 years to fall pregnant, seeing everyone else just fall pregnant so easily really did make me a bit bitter (as awful as that is to say, I got to the stage where I didn't even want to hold other peoples babies ). When we finally got our BFP my husbands best friend and his partner who had also been trying for absolutely ages broke up. It's not our fault, I know that, but it did bring up these issues for them, and now I can't help but feel like a home wrecker
I was really hoping that it might give them a bit of hope, I have the same issue as bf's partner (pcos) and we conceived naturally after I made some life style changes.
Now I'm just trying to enjoy my own very much awaited pregnancy and let others sort themselves out. Its really hard on both sides on fence and as much sympathy as I have towards people who are having problems conceiving, we haven't done anything wrong and I hate feeling any kind guilt relating to my baby.
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13-03-2012 13:32 #11
13-03-2012 13:35 #12
I've also been on the other side of this. It took 2 1/2 years to conceive our first, then 2 years for our second. In the mean time it seemed like everyone else was getting pregnant so easily.
Just so you know, if you sister feels anything like I did, when you tell her you're pregnant she will still be honestly very happy for you. Just at the same time extremely upset at her own situation. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about her situation. But you can give her some space to process your news in privacy.
My other tip is that once she knows, make sure you don't mention the pregnancy all of the time to her. Let her bring it up when she wants to and feels comfortable. Oh and my own personal gripe is when people complained to me about morning sickness - I felt like yelling at them "I'D KILL FOR MORNING SICKNESS"!
It's nice that you have so much compassion for your sister. She wouldn't want it to spoil your own joy though.
13-03-2012 13:53 #13
13-03-2012 13:59 #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
also been on the other side and had a situation with SIL that i felt they dealt with badly in breaking thier baby news.....they told us when they were 5 weeks pg as they "knew we had been trying" ie knew we'd been doing ivf...and "it was a bit of a surprise" ...i actually found them telling us THAT early rather insulting ie it came across as "look how confident we are we can tell ppl so early" (they told everyone) cos they already had 2 kids and id had m/c at 10wks 6 months b4 (+ unbeknownst to them we were 4 wks pg, id just found out about 3 days b4 ..thank GOD!!!)...im sure they didnt mean it that way but thats what it felt like.
anyway i think its a hard situation for those without fertility problems (and even when youve had your own fertilty problems and have to tell others who are still stuggling or wanted kids but never got to have them..i had a few ppl in my life in those circumstances) trying to manage the impact of your news on those who struggle cos you deserve to be excited and u shouldnt feel guilty etc etc...i think telling them privately / over the phone/ admitting they are actively trying (if u are that close and are ok with telling them that..cos i often went into family gatherings for 2 years with utter total dread thinking today could be their announcement day as i suspected at some point they would have a 3rd baby etc). so yes its a hard one but some ways are more tactful than others.
13-03-2012 14:00 #15
I was in the same position when I fell pregnant with Mikayla. Not long after I had Hayden my older brother and SIL started trying for a baby, and had a couple of miscarriages, then began the IVF process. Mikayla was very much a planned baby, but I didn't tell anyone I was trying for her because of the guilt. We fell pregnant with her on the 2nd try. I was talking to my SIL one night on facebook chat, and I just very quickly mentioned that I had a very faint positive on a pregnancy test. I was so scared to tell her, but I wanted her to know right from the VERY very start, so that she didn't think I was keeping it from her. She knew before my period was even due!
They fell pregnant shortly after I did, but they miscarried that baby too which was devestating because it made my guilt even worse!
Luckily they fell pregnant naturally a few months later and my beautiful little Niece was just born on Feb 29, little leap year girl! I'm a bit excited that I can fall pregnant with my 3rd without guilt in a couple of years time
14-03-2012 11:23 #16
I've been on both sides too. I struggled so much with the fact that my dear friends were going through such a joyful time and I just felt so distraught and angry. It gets worse as time goes by and your hopes start to fade. I may have been able to fake some joy but as time went on it became harder and harder. And you just feel so selfish and self obsessed. Seeing one and then a second child born when you have put your entire life on hold, financially and emotionally, for years is just so hard.
I don't think there is an easy way but over the phone sound like a good idea.
Now I have to tell my friend that I am pregnant and I think she has given up on her IVF journey as she is two years older.
good luck, and good luck to your sister.
14-03-2012 11:37 #17
Off topic. I'm so sick of hearing Facebook posts from pregnant people. All they talk about is their belly, being pregnant etc! They can't post any status updates that aren't about their bellies! And I can't stand the comments that follow their announcements - the ones like "wow you're clever for falling pregnant so quick" or "wow, clever girl" !!
I know! I'm jealous! Haha
14-03-2012 11:44 #18Our family is complete!
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
Oh yes..I had a surprise pregnancy when a family member was starting to get testing done to see why they weren't falling pregnant. They'd been trying for over a year. This was to be my second child that I'd have in the time that they were trying. I felt awful.
Three years later they are still childless and including my third baby there have been 4 babies born in to their families while they have been trying. It must be so hard for them to deal with and I hated telling them that I was pregnant because everyone knew we were done with two kids.
14-03-2012 11:51 #19
I had I similar problem when I was pregnant.
I'm a hairdresser and I had a client who had been trying for a baby for 15 years and several rounds of IVF.
Just before my husband and I got married I was told it would be extremely hard for me to fall pregnant, and if I did fall pregnant through IVF then I most likely wouldn't make it past 12 weeks due to my users having all these problems.
I use to talk to this client about the thought of not having any children ect and how I didn't want to try IVF because the thought of just loosing babies broke my heart.
Well 1 month after our wedding I found out I was pregnant.. I had no idea how to tell this client!! When I hit 20 weeks I told her, she was upset.. But still came back to see me but she never asked about my pregnancy and we never talked about it. It was very awards and I felt for her.. I also felt guilty and I felt like I was just putting salt in her wounds.
It's never easy.. But she is your sister, just tell her how you feel, you won't be able to take away her pain but you might be able to help her through it.
14-03-2012 11:54 #20
Just another thought, could you make her the baby's God parent?
When I had been told about my unlikeliness of having a baby my sister was pregnant, she made me god mother and it meant a lot to me.
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