Genuine question, but how is this a 'systems failure'? Do you think mothers should be able to take the kids away from their fathers?
The father has just as many rights as the mother. If you have a child with someone, you are bound to them like it or not.
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10-03-2012 12:10 #21
10-03-2012 12:36 #22
Hi 4underfour... I guess I am coming from a personal experience with that statement and relating it to this Op.
My sister has 2 kids and her XH is a total tool, nasty, spiteful, selfish etc. It went to court and was ruled that she had majority and he had them a few nights a fortnight with strict conditions. When they split she needed my families help and was not "allowed" to move them so to speak. (even knowing this would be in the kids best interests) For years she struggled as best she could because she was tied to this pr!ck so to speak. He certainly didn't give a rats about the kids, but was trying to punish my sister.
In the original Op, if it's in the child's best interests and it was ONLY for a year, then it seems a bit harsh that the Dad can just say no, and that's it. This is if it's more related to the Dad punishing the mum etc Please though, I know there are a hell of alot of great Dad's out there (my kids have one) so unless you know all the circumstances it really is hard to say!
Going through the Court system with my sister, I just think it sucks! *IMO* at the end of the day, I don't really think they put the kids first!
10-03-2012 12:37 #23
I struggled when ex and I did our first shared care and DD was there for only four days and it was only 20 minutes away by car.
No way could I move overseas and leave a child behind. And no way could I separate siblings. That's a double dose of abandonment IMO.
If she's unhappy then she needs to find other alternatives to achieve happiness that includes her children.
Moving overseas will not change that.
Imagine how she will feel in some years time when the child left behind says over the phone "mummy why didn't you take me with you? Don't you love me?"
I like the idea PP had of a holiday though as it's a temporary escape and won't be clouded by sadness and guilt of abandoning her child.
Surely she can find other means of happiness and independence without
her children suffering?
•Sent from my iPhone•
10-03-2012 12:47 #24Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
I would understand why the mother wanted to chase her dreams because I do not believe that we have to give that up when we have children. I am one of those who believes that you can have it all - but the 'all' may have to be adapted to fit a current situation.
I could not leave my child or split siblings up to live overseas and Eko's post really brought the possible negative consequences home to me.
Is there a way that this woman can chase her dreams here, why does it have to be overseas? She can still care for both children and study if it is a career that she wants. She can go on an overseas holiday if she wants to see some of the world. Shared care with the father may give her a chance to pursue her dreams and allow the child to develop a more meaningful relationship with his/her father.
Children do not rely on their parents forever and if she had the children young then she will still be young enough to move overseas when they move out and are no longer dependant upon her for emtional/physical/financial support.
10-03-2012 12:58 #25-
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- The 'Gong, NSW
FWIW, I think that there are a lot of expectations on mothers to be martyrs, I do understand we have to consider our children's best interests, but what about us?
We are criticised for every decision we make, e.g. if we work FT, we're told we should stay home with our kids, if we stay home, we're told we're lazy and should stop leeching off the system.
In this instance, maybe there are other avenues she could explore before going to extreme measures, e.g. swapping visitation times with her childs father so it works for them? I understand that the Family Law Act can make it hard to move away from a non custodial parent, but surely there have to be options for allowances?
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Stiflers Mom (11-03-2012)
10-03-2012 13:00 #26
I couldn't do it. There is no way I'd manage without my kids, I would be a basket case.
But I'm trying hard not to judge. I don't have any major regrets before having kids so I'm coming from a place of fulfilled and not trapped. So I really don't understand.
I suspect this may have an effect on the child left behind. The mum won't just be down the road or even in another town. She will be in another country.
I guess I have really mixed opinions on this and really don't know how I feel....
10-03-2012 13:01 #27
Fair enough jacksnjeff, I totally agree. I didn't read anything about it only being a year in the OP though.
I think OP that you could and should look into less permanent alternatives such as has been suggested already.
10-03-2012 13:16 #28
Not sure what you mean by "not everyone has the luxury of choosing when they have kids" exactly. You do choose when to have kids!
All I'm saying is that if the traveling/living abroad were my dream, I would have done it before I settled down and started a family or let it remain a dream until the children are older. There is no way I could leave one of my children or separate siblings.
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10-03-2012 13:55 #29
I cant imagine separating the siblings - the mother should be thinking of their welfare before her own IMO. As Elko pointed out, the mental and emotional impact can be huge. But not just on child-mum r'ship, but for the siblings. Totally not fair...IMO.
10-03-2012 14:31 #30Caramelo
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Well the abandoment thing she completely gets, as her mother gave her up so she cud have another baby with another guy.
So its not something shes thinking of lightly.
She didnt have a choice with her first child at all, but she did the right thing and has been going it alone since then.
Her second, she decided to have a baby because she was happy and her dreams wer going to b filled with her kids and patner!
But she was tricked.
Its not the wanting to travel thats her dream, nothing selfish like that, lets be honest, the country will b there dor many yrs to come.
Its what in the country she already lives in that shes trying to escape, stuff that involves tfying to keep her 1st child safe and alive.
So just know that its not a selfish move of oh she wants this and that right now.
She is very much alone and scared and wants to leave! She desperatley wants to take her 2nd child, she feels it would be a better life for all 3!
But shes being forced to live in a place where she is scared, threatened and alone.
Shes explored all other options, and she done those that the fob will permit but none have helped.
Its almost a choice between her and her 1st childs saftey or being with her other child.
Shes gone through legal, and evetything and moving out of country which is her only dream seems to be the only other option ... Or staying put.
Shes been thinking about this situation for close to a yr now, and still feels horrible and torn and is still here cause she cant let her child go.
But at what cost...
She is extremely torn and doesnt know what to do
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