Im not sure if this was tge right place but couldnt find anywhere else thar suited!
What would you think of a single mum of 2 kids doing everything on her own, no family & friends around, handing one of her children over to its father to live (they each have a different fatger so other child would stay with her)
So she could go after her dream of living overseas?
Few basics - she cant with 2 kids cause the father would never allow it. And well thats the only reason.
Her whole life shes lived how every one told her and shes not happy, and feels like maybe doing this could be what she needs, and doing whike shes still young, instead of in 18 or more years time
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10-03-2012 07:50 #1Caramelo
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Child.... Or YOUR childhood dreams
10-03-2012 08:05 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2009
I feel sorry for her that the system forces her to make such a decison, but she cannot allow herself to be trapped all her life.
As long as the father would be good to the child, then I think she is doing the right thing.
10-03-2012 08:12 #3-
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
I coudnt do it. If id have wanted to follow my dreams of living abroad and knew I couldnt do it with 2 kids, I would never have had 2 children.
I understand things don't always go to plan though..but still..
I would feel selfish for the rest of my life if I gave my child up to pursue my dreams.
When I had my DD, I knew my priorities had to change, she would always come first.
10-03-2012 08:13 #4
I wouldn't think very highly of them, to be really honest.
That's the choice you make when you decide to have children. I have been a single parent, and I know it's hard. But you either have to live out your dreams with your child, or accept that they have to wait until later.
I don't know. I really can't imagine handing off either of my children to another person so that I could do what I wanted to do. They come first, and if that means I have to wait to do some things, then I will. I particularly can't imagine separating them, and taking one with me, and leaving the other behind. Had my mother ever done that to me, I would have been confused, and devastated.
And I would never want to live in a different country to one or both of my children
I'm sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear, but that's my honest opinion.
10-03-2012 08:15 #5
It's a fault with the system, not the person. It would be heartbreaking to make that decision. I can understand the father not wanting the child to go, but also think it would be detrimental to everyone if someone is forced to live in a place where they are unable to survive. Then I think myself lucky for having freedom.
Eta: She is not handing the child over to a random, the child is going to live with a parent. Fathers take off overseas all the time, cut off all contact, refuse to pay cs, but when the mother does it society sees her as a monster...
Last edited by share a book; 10-03-2012 at 08:23.
10-03-2012 08:59 #6
My mother did that to myself and my sister when we were young teens. My sister had just moved out of home at 16, I was still at home with my parents at 14. My parents had just separated, but the situation is still extremely similar.
She said to me that she had to go out and do the things that she never got to do because she was married and responsible for her kids and family. She said I 'had' to live with my father, because I didn't fit into that.
I'll never forgive her for that.
In my books you have children, you're responsible for them and you give up yourself. You shouldn't be expected to give up childhood dreams, but you should find a way to achieve them without your children having to pay for that.
"Her whole life shes lived how every one told her and shes not happy, and feels like maybe doing this could be what she needs, and doing whike shes still young, instead of in 18 or more years time".
Not good enough IMO. Might sound like I'm being a bit harsh but I LIVED it so I guess I'm in the prime position to show how it can affect the child/ren.
What you're telling a child when you do this is that your personal wants and desires are more important than their needs. I needed to have a mum who cared enough to stick around. She didn't.
Instead she ditched us and went to study at uni and then went to live over in the UK for a year because that's what she 'needed' to do. My sister NEEDED her there at the time and had a mental breakdown because she didn't have our mother's support at an extremely hard time for her.
My relationship and my sister's relationship with her have never recovered even nearly 2 decades later.
We both have a non-relationship with her and whilst I've dealt with it by being mutinously independent of my family, my sister has ongoing mental issues all stemming from it.
In my books single parents don't deserve to do that any more than recently separated or still married couples. Children shouldn't have to pay for the fact that a parent has missed out on something because of their birth.
I apologise if that sounds like an attack, it's really just something I feel very strongly about because to this day I still struggle to have any kind of relationship at all with my mother.
I needed a mother at that stage, and I didn't have one. I basically haven't had a mother since that age. No child should be deprived of that just because their parent wants to make up for lost time or protect themselves from needing to do so.
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10-03-2012 09:07 #7
Also wanted to point out that the kids are probably young and won't understand now... But one day they will be adults and they WILL understand. The feelings of abandonment get stronger as you get older and are more able to understand exactly what your parent did to you.
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10-03-2012 09:09 #8
She needs to wait. It sucks, but hey, life isn't perfect.
I feel for the poor kids. Imagine having to hear that your mother is 'not happy' and blames you for it.
Not to mention her keeping one or not the other. Thats harsh. The child left behind would forever wonder why its sibling stayed with Mum and it didn't.
Why would she hand over the child/ren to the father if he does nothing?Something doesn't sit right there either.
10-03-2012 09:14 #9
I couldn't do it. And tbh I wouldn't think highly of someone who did. Even the other way round, I wouldn't think highly of a father that buggered off to 'live his dream' overseas and left his child.
Lots of us would love to live overseas. Most of us don't get to do it, whether we are married or single. And yes it sucks that you are stuck living close to the fob but that's what happens when you have a child with someone.
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10-03-2012 09:19 #10
I would think she is a selfish person who doesn't deserve that child!!!
The harm that would do to that poor child 'Mum gave me up to chase her dreams overseas' would mess that child up for life!!!
And using the excuse 'the father won't let her take the child, so it's her only choice' is a crock!! That father has equal rights to the child and isn't as flippant as the mother about giving up those rights by 'letting her' take them overseas.
When you become a parent there is certain sacrifices that you have to make and if your life isn't going to 'be complete' unless you travel overseas they should have travelled pre-children!!!
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