I think you are better off without them. Honestly, I do.
I've cut my WHOLE family out, extending out to cousins, aunts and uncles. I felt like I had no one, and sometimes I still do, but what I remind myself is that I am worth a lot more than the rubbish they put me through. I'm worth more than they deserve, and my life is not enriched with them in it, I am better off without them.
It takes time. It's been nearly 1 whole year and I am starting to realize there are more people around me than I thought, and I do not need my toxic family. I even thought I needed their love and approval, but I don't, and the day I let to of that desire for their love and approval a HUGE weight lifted from me. I became okay with the idea that they won't be in my life any more. I could let go and move on.
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08-03-2012 15:08 #21-
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- Nov 2008
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08-03-2012 16:15 #22
I know what you talk of and i understand your dilemma i grew up pretty much neglected and abused. My parents still do all those things and infact make it pretty clear they dont want me. I still find it hars to cut them off but im getting close to doing it.
08-03-2012 16:35 #23
Personally? I couldn't 'forgive'. They don't deserve it.
YOU deserve better and can move forward using your resilience and obvious strength.
The book suggested sounds interesting.
08-03-2012 17:28 #24
I've been seeing a counsellor with my mother through Relationships Australia. The lady we have is FANTASTIC. She immediately identified why I had issues with my mother, and even after half a dozen sessions she's still having to "remind" my mother not to say certain things to me during counselling, because my mother just doesn't see anything wrong with what she's saying, but she's totally criticising me.
I've also been reading a blog by a woman named Nicole Cody. She's a psychic based in QLD and her blog is excellent. She does a lot of guided meditations and exercises based on self growth, and this week's writings have been based on parental issues and how to overcome them. Well worth a read. http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/
I don't think my mother and I will ever truly have the relationship she wishes for. She still thinks the problem is me because she doesn't have issues with anyone else. She is a sympathy sponge and thrives on attention. She can't cope that I don't give her any.
Big It truly sucks being given/choosing the parents we have. I don't think you should forgive them. I think you should learn to be happy in yourself without them. You have far more power than you realise.
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08-03-2012 20:00 #25
hi, sorry to all the people who have had such toxic parents to deal with. I wish i could give everyone a personal hug.. The benifit from forgivness, is a gift to yourself, not to the other person. It takes a lot of energy to hold on to past hurt, to keep remembering the terrible expierences, to be waiting for the apology that will never come. When you say, I forgive you, you dont have to hold on to anything from the past, and you can turn your head to the future. Make your future without the toxic people, leave them all in the past. Writting all the hurt and painfull memories on a piece of paper, and burn the paper, will give you some freedom, some release from the pain. also , I dont think it is necesssary to actually tell the person you forgive them, just say it out loud, so you can hear the words. praying for all of you, such broken childhoods, it is so very sad. Marie
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10-03-2012 19:46 #26Senior Member
I'd like you to tell me exactly what corresponding similarities you see between my behavior and my parents
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
I will try and give an example of what I mean.
Someone does something terrible to you.
It plays on your mind for years causing distress. A natural response.
The someone dies.
It plays on your mind for more years causing distress.
The problem is when one carries around in their head.
Forgiveness has different meanings. One meaning is someone is not penalized for committing a wrongdoing (fair or not).
'The Course in Miracles' use the other meaning.
Its to do with you, its not to do with letting the other person off the hook or not. Its letting go of the unpleasant memories/emotions etc which keep playing over and over in the mind.
An simple example might be someone screams at me and I feel terrible. I hate that person for it. After the event I can torture myself over it or let it go.
It doesn't mean I wouldn't deal with it if it happens again or 'let the person off the hook.'
The bit about projecting etc. is along the lines of its all happening in our head.
Hard to explain.
Actually, it makes a big difference if you are still in contact with the other people or not. If you will never see them again, its much easier to let go.
If you are still in contact with them its different. Haven't read all the posts, but have you CONFRONTED them effectively. Be completely honest and preferably in a context in which they will listen. Bring it all out into the open.
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