Just wondering what others out there do? Have you ever contacted the other parent to raise issues with them or do you leave it all to your other half? They are after all their parent.
I have massive issues with the state in which my step children are arriving to our house (with regards to hygiene) and while DH has contacted BM nothing has changed. I feel so sorry for them but realisticly what can I do. I feel like it's boardering on neglect from what they say their home is like with BM.
I just feel so sorry for them
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05-03-2012 15:11 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2010
Do you ever raise issues with the Bio parent or do you leave it to your other half?
05-03-2012 15:34 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
Hi I'm a "bio" parent, although I feel I could possibly help out as my DP is my son's step-father. I never asked him to speak to my ex, nor did I burden him with any issues in that regard.
My DS' father, however, had very little interest so had his partner contact me regarding visits etc and it caused unecessary tension between us. I really liked her but things ended really sour because it was so hard to communicate with her when I should've been communicating with him and it was hard to discuss problems with HIM because I guess it sounded like an attack, which I wasn't trying to imply that she had any part in the problems.
It's difficult to be on the same page as the other half of the family, I know there were lots of things that I was unhappy with at my exes house, it wasn't until there were signs of abuse happening until I opened my mouth.
If you're seriously worried about neglect, I'd ask your husband about the possibility of mediation between you all or, if it's desperate, perhaps DOCS. Other than that I think it's up to him to either discuss it with her or bathe them and brush their teeth the minute they walk in the door at your house.
05-03-2012 16:57 #3
I am the bio parent, and when my ex was still in the country, there were a few times DP wanted to talk to him. I always said no. It was not his issue, and not his place. His involvement would have made issues worse.
I felt the same way when the ex let his gf involve herself. She had no place saying anything - she needed to leave any issues to the ex to talk to me about.
Perhaps it's different if there's YEARS behind these relationships though... in our case, both relationships were not particularly old. Still, I wouldn't like my ex's gf ever contacting me for any reason at this point in time.
05-03-2012 18:08 #4
I'm a step mum and when we have the child over I'm the one she always goes to (thanks to close relationship to mum) my hubby and the ex have been separated for 6 years and the husband and I have been together for 5 years. I didn't get involved too much until we were married and I became a legal guardian.
I believe as I provide care to the child it's important that any person that spends significant amount of time with the child should be able to talk to the other parent about anything. I'm not there to be mum but I have the child's best interests in heart and if anything that worries me comes up I would expect to be able to talk about it.
whilst this hasn't been easy we are now at the point where the bio mum is reasonably ok with talking to me directly about things like care, Health and day to day things. this helps as hubby wants absolutely nothing to do with her so I almost take up the role of mediator lol
putting egos aside I think communication is the key between everyone.
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07-03-2012 19:39 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
If it were me I would document the times keep a journal take pics etc then turn it over to DOCS
12-03-2012 19:06 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
I don't think there is much you can do to change how the other parent lives.
I can imagine it would be highly frustrating for you though.
I think its better if your DP was the one communicating with his ex.
One option is for you to type up a letter or email and make it appear that your DP has written it to her.
Make sure your DP is aware of what the letter say's though but that way you can get your point across regarding the children's wellbeing.
I would try not to make the letter as an attack though because the bio mum will just get defensive.
How old are the children ? Another option is to teach the children how to wash themselves properly and perhaps give them some personal hygiene products to take back to the bio mums with them.
Soaps, Shampoos, nice facewashers toothbrushes and paste, hairbrush and ties etc.
Teach them how to use a washing machine and to hang clothes, how to brush their own teeth etc.
And give them the reasons why these things are important.
So that way even if the mother neglects their cleanliness the children themselves have the ability to care for themselves in that regard.
Last edited by Thunderstorm; 15-03-2012 at 17:59.
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