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05-03-2012 18:13 #21Senior Member
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- Sep 2005
05-03-2012 18:35 #22
There is nothing wrong with a male relative wanting to help out with kids. Honestly, if my dad paid half as much attention to DD as my brother does, I would have an aneurysm from excitement. It is this thinking that prevents grandfathers, fathers, uncles and other males that have children around them, not wanting to spend time with them.
OP - mother's intuition is a powerful thing. Also, regardless of whether your BIL is dodgy or not, if you as the mother are not comfortable with it, then you need to do something about it. I had a similar problem with my neighbours crossing boundaries and not respecting my feelings about my DD.
I do not speak or associate with them anymore as they could not respect my wishes and feelings.
05-03-2012 18:43 #23
Go with your instincts. I'd be telling DH (not asking, telling him) how you feel and if he thinks you're over reacting well too bad. That's his problem and he'll just have to get over it.
Even if your BIL isn't a child abuser, like PP's have said he is still crossing boundaries in place for a reason. I agree with the advice of publicly saying "we don't kiss on the lips" etc...not just in public, but *to* your BIL. If he continues his behaviour once you've told him the 'rules' - I'd honestly cut all contact. I know that would mean your in-laws having to visit you and what not but it's worth it for peace of mind and your kids safety.
05-03-2012 18:45 #24
A similar situation happened with our family. But a none family member he was actually was my brothers best mate (9yrs older then me 11yrs old them my sister). And I pointed out to may family that he wasnt right that he was a paedophile. Keep in mind I was 14yrs old at the time. They kept telling me to stop being rude blah blah blah but he had a 'unhealthy' relationship with my younger sister.
Long story short he is now a convicted paedophile and my younger sister wasnt his only child he was with. He wrote my sister long love letters and such and well frankly it broke my family apart, what he did.
So I would trust your gut feeling. Police can give you information and stuff in regards to it. But maybe worth just keep a eye on them at all times when he is around them.
But generally if he is doing anything inappropriate a childs behaviour normally shows. They can get really upset and refuse to be around him and such. But worth getting information.
05-03-2012 19:12 #25Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2008
Regardless of if it is innocent or not, you don't like it and you are their mother. I believe in mother's intuition and if you feel its not appropriate for your family and children then thats your answer.
I would probably just not let him bath them or kiss them all the time, like another said, "we don't do kisses on the lips" etc. is great. Also let the kids know that this is the new rule and maybe tell them to say "stop, I don't like it".
05-03-2012 19:17 #26
Yeah, I'd go with my gut here, too. I think you may indeed need to get your DH on board, he needs to respect your wishes to keep the kids safe. I'd be asking him how he'd feel if anything bad DID happen. The idea of public pronouncements re boundaries is a good one, and one I know I'll use if I'm ever in your situ. It's nice when fam is affectionate, but considering the history in this fam, it's red-flag behaviour, for sure.
Pedophile behaviour/abuse CAN 'run' in families, including the perpetration of covering it up, and this guy may (innocently) be repeating behaviour he's seen in his family or have boundary issues, or it may be something more. Keeping in mind the BIL may have been abused as a child or subjected to inappropriate behaviour, either way it's not something I'd want around my boy, either, and you are prudent to take this v seriously.
05-03-2012 19:33 #27
I'd be saying something, something along the lines of "We're very cautious because of a TV show we saw just recently about pedophiles and abusers. They recommended a few things, so we don't allow them to kiss on lips, have baths from anyone but dad or myself, or anything like that. It's just a rules that we've set so that if ANYONE does something strange, they know to tell us straight away and that they will NEVER be in trouble or be ignored. We have made it a rule so that we can keep them safe from absolutely anyone, even their teachers or afterhours carers. It makes it harder for people who just care for them, but it keeps them safe".
That way he knows you're watching, that the kids feel safe to talk to you (so they can't be threatened into silence) and that the behaviour is not on without actually pinning it onto him directly.
It also gives him a subtle way to stop the behaviour without actually acknowledging whether he is a pedophile or not. He can just say to himself that he is following your rules, not that he's been busted. And if he's NOT a pedophile, he won't feel like you're targeting him as one because it's a set of rules that you've given the kids for everyone and as good parents you have to enforce it with everyone for it to work.
It sounds horrible but I'd rather have a pedo think they'd 'just escaped being caught' than have them actually try something on my kids.
05-03-2012 20:52 #28
sorry I but agree with everyone e else it sounds weird to me whether it be because he is a little damaged from the drugs or the other alternative. when we have our bub we are making it a rule that only persons to bath is hubby and myself and no lip kisses except us, plus I'm sure I'll have more.
better to over react than not to react at all for fear of being wrong.
05-03-2012 21:02 #29
My theory is that it is better to put a fence at the top of a hill than an ambulance down the bottom.
He might just be a loving kinda guy but I really don't think it is worth the risk. Your daughters lives are far too precious to just 'hope' he is ok. That doesn't mean you have to stop seeing him but as previous posts have stated, boundaries need to be put down. Maybe just tell DH that you aren't comfortable with his current actions, you don't have to say anything about pedophilia. Then go from there.
All the best!
05-03-2012 21:22 #30
I have this issue with FIL. While I honestly don't think he would ever or has ever interfered with children I still feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable with my kids alone with him. It may be because he looks remarkably similar in looks, size, attitude etc as my abuser. Dh is aware of this and whilst he feels its over the top he doesn't make me feel guilty as he supportive of my fears. My inlaws know my history even FIL. Yet my instincts say no way. I am totally fine with contact just not alone contact. I am also not afraid to say if something they are doing doesn't suit me with my children.
My suggestion. Talk to ur dh but be sensitive. Don't ignore ur feelings and address it with BIL that it makes you uncomfortable, no reason to give reasons only that it's not something that suits you.
Hugs it awkward I know. :/
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