If somebody is treating you disrespectfully, like being dismissive, belittling, being condescending and intimidating, yelling, bellowing, swearing at you "shut up, get F'd" and saying things like "pull your head in" etc....then it escalates into an arguement and you are being relatively calm throughout but eventually you crack and start yelling at them back with a few explitives yourself - is it wrong?
Like if your reaction to the above behaviour isn't very savoury either does it cancel the other person's behaviour out? Does it make you a hypocrite? Does it make you as bad as they are? Does it matter to what severity or the power balance between the two people?
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05-03-2012 12:57 #1
Is it wrong?
05-03-2012 13:03 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
- Sunshine North
I normally don't argue or fight - except with my sister, and it only escalates cos she knows what buttons to press and does it deliberately to get that reaction from me.
It doesnt cancel out her behavior and IMO I'm not as bad as she is - there's only so much any person can take before cracking.
05-03-2012 13:16 #3
What if it's between a man and a woman in a domestic situation? Where the man would be louder, bigger, stronger....more intimidating because of this and uses threats that they are going to leave when the argument isn't going their way - making the other person (female) feel like they have to agree with them or they leave or storm off or yell, belittle, swear etc more?
05-03-2012 13:22 #4
Depends how you look at it!
Personally, If DH spoke to me like that, he would get it right back. I'm a big believer in treating other people the same way you expect to be treated. DH, and everyone else who knows me, knows that so my tolerance is extremely low to it.
As for a stranger, I usually say "I'm not speaking to you like that so I expect you to extend the same courtesy" If they don't then I'll yell back!
But thats me. I guess there's the argument of 'two wrongs don't make a right' , but as happygrl said, there is only so much a person can take before they crack!
05-03-2012 13:39 #5
I agree two wrongs dont make a right. Its sounds like a case of he started it so im answering back to him. If this happens all the time, or even once every couple of months, I would be out the door, and totally not accepting of this behaviour for any reason or excuse. It is not right for a man to treat a woman like that, to reach a point where she feels she has to take him on with his terms of behaviour. There is no excuse for such disrespect between two people regardless of who they are or what the relationship between them happens to be. husband and wife, brothers and sisters, whatever, all should be treated with respect. Marie.
05-03-2012 13:43 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
I hate the old "he/she started it" but I think it's a natural instinct to react to somebody who is attacking you either physically or verbally. I've worked in jobs where I've been torn apart verbally (and always for somebody elses problems, nothing to do with me) and it is SO hard to not react.
I think if there's a power imbalance - size difference etc - it's scary to argue back but not arguing back seems a bit twisted as it's sort of like a parent-child relationship and "not answering back".
05-03-2012 15:21 #7
Would you consider it domestic violence if someone was treating you that way during arguments and then after a while of being treated this way may yell to try and get their point across or swear to drive that point home, just out of sheer frustration? And maybe even calling the person an a-hole because of the way they are behaving?
In a domestic violenct situation does it matter who started the argument? Does it matter if the other person retaliates to threats?
05-03-2012 15:24 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
It's still DV even if both are as bad as each other, so, yes I'd consider a situation where one instigates and one reacts as DV.
05-03-2012 15:25 #9
I don't know but I'm just subscribing to this thread as this is a apt description of what used to occur between me and exH when we were married.
05-03-2012 15:40 #10
Here's the post...
I don't know what's happening to us. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not perfect but **** has some serious issues with his temper. It's been getting worse and worse since working at *****. And he's always threatening to leave. If things don't go his way or if he feels things aren't fair, or if I interrupt him once too many times, he proclaims that he's done and that he's leaving.
I feel like I can't be honest with him anymore. I have to say everything is ok even if it's not. I feel like I can't say if I'm unhappy with something without him going off. I pretty much have to put aside my anger or frustration and talk to him in a calmer than calm manner if I have any hope at all. And even then there's no gaurantees.
I feel like I have to hide my true feelings even when I really hurt. I don't think this is fair, I really don't. Not when he's free to go off and god help me if I pick him up on it. He'll yell more, throw insults around and bring up other times that I have 'missed behaved' putting it back on me. I get in trouble at the time I stuff up and then again if I dare to pick him up on his stuff ups. He'll bring them up like they somehow justify his behaviour and throw it in my face.
I don't want to leave him, I don't. But I'm fast becoming numb from it all and I've felt like that before. I think we need counscelling, I really do.
I'm also really getting sick of his memory problems. He forgets things. Whole conversations! It wouldn't be so bad if he can think before he swears black and blue what he thinks was said or not said. He knows his memory isn't great and yet at the time it doesn't even occur to him that he may have forgotten something. And I can't say what the truth is, oh no....because he gets angry, beligerant and abusive and swears black and blue that I'm wrong and he's right.
He gets angry and forceful and even intimidates me to basically agree with him. So then I'm forced to agree with him or continue to hear him carry on....these are my choices!
Later on, he may find out that I'm right...yippee! But he doens't apologise for how he treated me. And it still doesn't occur to him at other times. God help me if he ever gets dimentia!
It's awful! It's really really awful at the moment. I'm unhappy with my lot in life and I'm extremely unhappy in our relationship. I don't know what to do! Talking just ends up with him becoming forceful and aggressive. I'm passive until I've had enough then I start yelling and swearing too and it's almost like ner ner ****, you're a hypocrite! WTF????
How can he not see what he's doing? How can he not see what he's doing to me? he is wearing me down. Doesn't he realise how low I can go? Isn't he concerned that I might reach my limits? doesn't it occur to him that he could lose me? Not for him being bad with money. Not because of his going on xxx sites. Not for telling some random chick she's beautiful and gorgeous. Not because he's messy and inconsiderate and doesn't put things away! No it will be because of the way he's treating me!
I'm becoming more and more oppressed. And it's chipping away at me everytime we have a fight. There wont' be anything left one day and then what? A shell?....of who I was? Is it what he wants to happen?
Today he told me that he felt I'd belittled him. It wasn't my intention (not that he believes me) but if I did, I was sorry but **** me! Everytime that he talks down to me. Everytime that he intimidates me. Everytime he tells me to shut up or pull my head in. Everytime he tells me I'm a terrible person....I feel so so small! Insignificant. I 'apparantly' belittled him once and it's like the earth exploded! Well buddy....welcome to my world!
He hasn't hit me....but sometimes it feels like he has. Sometimes I feel like, if he hit me then it can be over and I don't have to put up with it anymore. Some part of me wishes he just would, then I can be justified in saying that he abuses me. I feel so beaten down emotionally that he may as well. He may as well get it over and done with and put me out of my misery....do what he so wants to do anyway. Just freakin well do it....then I can leave!
What the **** am I going to do?
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