Hi All - hoping for some advice here.
I realise that everyone has different priorities. Last night I asked for help from DH with Miss 2, she was getting restless and I was in the last 2 minutes of making stirfry. She took off with the bottle of soy sauce and proceeded to pour it over the floor and then wet her pants (normal with her toilet training at the moment). I had to turn off dinner and clean it all up. DH had disassembled a bed and was taking the pieces outside for the collection. As far as I was concerned this could wait until later (the disassembled room is still all over the house this morning).
This ended up in an argument - I said that he was off doing whatever he wanted and not seeing the reality of what was really going on here - he threw it back at me and basically said the same in return. He said the wood could fall over and be dangerous - why not just put the wood down on the floor so it couldn't fall further and come and help?
We have ongoing issues with this - he accuses me of wanting everything done 'according to my timeframes' but I just prioritise things according to what DD needs (ie dinner, bath etc). The house could be a mess but burning all of our CD's onto a hard drive is his priority number one. If she's having a bedtime meltdown and DH is watching something on TV he just moves closer and turns up the volume "lalalalalala I can't hear you therefore it's not happening" kind of thing.
I have tried to say that it's not my timeframes but hers that I'm trying to accommodate (I don't really have much 'me' time, just work, home and DD) whereas he has plenty of his sports (3+ sessions per week), plus going to the footy etc that I work meal times etc around.
How do I get him to see where I'm coming from? I'm tearing my hair out and just in tears constantly?
Thanks for listening xx
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05-03-2012 11:28 #1
How to Balance His/Her Priorities
05-03-2012 11:42 #2
Do you ask him specifically for help when you need it and tell him exactly what to do? My husband is hopeless if I don't do this. He will be doing whatever he is doing and not even notice that I need help or see things that need to be done. It may be a man thing. If I say I need help and tell him exactly what to do he will always hop up straight away and do what i've asked.
05-03-2012 11:51 #3
Thanks babalooba - yes I do (well I think I do anyway!)
I said DD is getting restless, can you entertain her while I finish this, dinner is nearly ready? He just ignored me and kept going with what he was doing.
OK, I get that he can't cook to save his life and he may not realise about cooking quickly with a hot wok. But I was pretty direct. We have arguments and often use the "do I need to whack you with a frypan over your head for you to realise what's going on" quote, to which he says yes, I do. But how can someone just not get it so much?
I swing between the "why bother" camp which I know will just be detrimental in the long run and he will get used to not having to man up and do it myself which is more stressful, and picking at things done/undone which just ****es him off because it's not his priority.
I'm nearly at the stage of leaving, I'm becoming a nasty person because of it. So sad.
05-03-2012 12:01 #4
Could you make an agreement with him that while you cook dinner he is on dd duty? Make it their special daddy daughter time or something.
05-03-2012 12:09 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Central Coast, NSW
argh - so frustrating - men are just not multi-taskers and some of them have an issue of shaking the 'bachelor brain' (as in - I come first - everyone else comes when I'm ready). My husband is the same - doesn't think past the end of his nose!!!!
When he gets going on something he likes to see it through to the end (so do I but there are times when we both just have to drop what we are doing and go to our son).
It took a meeting between me and him where I started off saying 'things can't keep going this way - we need to focus on some solutions' ... gave him a chance to say what was bugging him - and - be prepared for it. Might not be nice but he has to be able to speak freely and you have to take it on board.
He has to understand that sometimes - he will have to drop what he is doing and help. SIMPLE. I'm not calling out coz I want to interrupt him - I'm calling out because I need his help. He in turn gets my help when he calls out to me - I drop and run.
The other thing is working out a schedule - again - doesn't work for everyone - but it's vital that you get a bit of 'you' time. We sat down and worked out 'his' time, 'my' time, 'family' time and general activities. Ask him how he feels when he's had his time ... I'm sure it will be a positive response - even if it's 30 minutes of the day that you are not bugged, not expected to do anything for anyone other than yourself - you say to him 'this is what I need to start feeling happy/normal/whatever' again and start from there.
Don't know if I'm making much sense but I hope you get something that is a positive out of this.
05-03-2012 12:17 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Central Coast, NSW
"We have arguments and often use the "do I need to whack you with a frypan over your head for you to realise what's going on" quote, to which he says yes, I do. But how can someone just not get it so much?"
OH GODDDDDDDDDDDD - my husband used to do that too!!!
"what do you want me to do?" Open your eyesssssssssss and seeeeeeeeeee that there's things to be done!!! Then he would fire back with 'well make me a list' ... and I'd say 'by the time I've made you a list - I could have half of these jobs done!'
So ... for a while - I would have my notepad next to me while having breaky - make him a list .... then he'd say 'I'll do one a day' ... ah - no - (and this is where MY imposed time frames would creep in) saying 'no - you will have them done by this time because that's what I have to do ... and if you need things to be pointed out to you - you will do them on my deadline.' (anal but geez - had to do something or it would all fall to my plate).
He's not so bad now but the arguments have pretty much stopped. Thinking back - we never argued about money - the only thing we argued about was who did more and how unfair it was.
As you said - things have to change - I truly hope you get to sit down with him calmly and rationally and say 'we need to work on some solutions' and hear what he has to say. There are things that I've had to work on with myself but that's only fair.
05-03-2012 12:48 #7
Thanks all for your suggestions - I'm at work on a public holiday to use the net (our connection at home is down - he won't phone his brother to come and fix it like he's said, it's been about four weeks now). He can use his iphone access anytime, and the net at work each day so it doesn't really bother him.
We have missed out on a $1000 gift voucher (exchange for points on the credit card) to use on a holiday we have booked in a fortnight because he didn't apply in time... I'm going to have to pay for it.
DD's bottom drawer is still broken and not fixed like he said he would for a couple of weeks ...
DD's school application is blank - has been sitting on the bench for weeks.
The list goes on.
I'm going to go home and write a list so that we can get some stuff checked off. I'll ask him to help me make the list - which might be a good catalyst for discussion. I know I'm not perfect and have my faults too, but there's nothing he would ask me to do that I'd just ignore for weeks on end.
I really feel like I'm the housekeeper - which is making me act like one.
Thanks again - I feel better that someone's listening!
05-03-2012 14:17 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Central Coast, NSW
Oh yeah - I have a draw that needs to be fixed but because it doesn't affect him - it's been at least ....ohh a month would be fair to say that it's been broken.
Now - this is where my pettiness comes in and yes - I have thought 'just fix it yourself' but with everything else I do - he asked me what could be fixed.
I'm going to swap drawers so it's one of HIS drawers that is now won't function and see how long it takes for him to fix it.
You said a perfect line - I feel like a housekeeper - this is why I am the way I am. Help me change it. Put up a chore list if you have too. my hubby and I did that - I know I don't want to spend my hours picking up after people but I'm not going to live in a sty either - so I say to him 'look - neither of us want to do them but they have to be done - you pick your share (give them a little bit of control) and then you have the remainder.
Hope it all goes well for you and is productive. We have regular check ins to know what's working and what isn't.
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