Whatever you decide is up to you, just make sure its based on your happiness, safety, and wellbeing, and not because its easier or you feel pressured.
Think about whether you can live with this, or whether you can't.. Think about the chances of it happening again.. Think about the lack of respect to you, and to his and your child
Also think of the fact that he has carelessly exposed both you and baby to life threatening diseases through his selfishness.. remember that he's been "caught" twice, and think of the men in the brothel, bringing god knows what home to their families.. Think about whether he'd be sorry at all right now if you hadn't found out, would he? Or would he be sitting on the couch right now happily plotting the next time? -remember he's only shown remorse once he's been caught, then went off and did it again..
Life can be tough sometimes but if you look out for yourself and surround yourself with the right people, plan ahead and get your priorities right, you can rise above anything, then look back laughing later..
I agree counselling would be ideal, these things cause teh same kind of PTS symptoms as losing a family member/loved one or any other kind of emotional trauma, which is probably why you are thinking such negative things right now..
Best of luck to you, you didnt deserve this, and you don't deserve it any longer!
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05-03-2012 13:45 #41
05-03-2012 15:13 #42
Statistically cheating in both sexes is quite high. However that doesn't mean to say that all men or women cheat at all
Yes there is always a reason people cheat, but that reason isn't always anything to do with the relationship, in fact most of the time it has nothing to do with the relationship, and the ability to cheat always has nothing to do with the relationship. Regardless the reason for their pattern of behaviour, it is never the victims "fault" that they cheated.. Simply because they had the option to A. Sort out the problems through any means neccessary or B. Walk away.
Cheating once can be a bad choice.. The better signs in this case to look out for is..
*finding out through them
*willingness to if not actively taking steps to seek out a relationship psychologist, pinpoint the problem and seek to fix the problem now and for the future
*showing understanding and aknowledgement to what they have done to you without trying to blame the cheating on your relationship problems/seperating the two things.
*never cheating again!
Since he probably didnt do all of these, and then had the nerve to cheat again shows he really doesn't care to change.. and I'm sure if given the chance he would say it was because of "the relationship this or you that"
Pretty much all of these types continue to cheat indefinitely, regardless of who they are with.
I know sometimes it is easier to try and be understanding or even sympathetic towards him, thinking maybe his childhood etc is why he is the way he is, bad past experiences/insecurities.. But honestly there comes a point where they aren't trying to fix things, they are merely continously disrespecting you and your baby/ies and putting you at risk of x amount of STD's
Sometimes you just have to think of yourself and bub and realise he isn't worth your time and effort..
If your parents are pushing you to forgive him, it's probably because of "family values" and feeling scared of you coping on your own. But they will have to realise that you are better of happy and alone than coupled, depressed, disregarded and at risk of disease!
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05-03-2012 15:14 #43
Sorry just wanted to add that second post..
really hope you sort things out for yourself soon and can get back to preparing for bubby
05-03-2012 15:53 #44
Hey there, and huge mega virtual hugs from me too. I feel so awful for you, as I know how cheating makes you feel, and I wasn't preg with the b@$!&RD$ child when he cheated on me with my bestie after an 11 year relationship. It so s$#ks the life out of you.
I agree with the others, try not make rash decisions, you will love your bub in the end, it's not bub's fault it's dad is an a-hole. Get rid of him as you so, so can't ever trust this guy anymore, whatever his lame reasons.
Get some legal advice if you can ~ perhaps call legal aid. You might have to wait around the office for a bit, but you will prob be offered a free consultation, depending upon what state you are in, where you live, etc. If you contact some NGO's like St Vinnies, you may be able to get transitional housing of some kind.
Go out this afternoon if you are not at work, and can handle being in public right now, open a new bank account and get your next pay transferred to the new account. Do it now so he doesn't have leverage over you. If you want to stay at home and get him to go, get some support (and phone legal advice) so you can do this when he arrives home. Maybe a family member could help with the next mortgage payment, or a personal loan, salvo's or vinnies may assist here. Or get a short-term boarder in, rent out a room, etc to a like minded soul to help make the payments. Just a little advice as I know how hard it is to think when in your position, thoughts of all kinds swirl around and it's overwhelming. Do whatever is best for you, sweetheart.
Perhaps the hospital where you were planning to deliver/your midwife could offer some support and counselling right now.
So, so sorry to hear you are being treated in this way. I do hope your Mum gets back to you soon and is able to give you tangible support when you need it most. We in BH are here for you if you need us. Huge, megahugs and bucketloads of loving energy your way.
05-03-2012 16:24 #45
I've just read the rest of the posts, and indeed your parents' advice is crap. It will just perpetuate a lot of probs if you remain with him without him having to make any changes. You will always be second-guessing yourself and won't ever fully be able to trust him again. This is obviously a guy who can say all the right things and do otherwise. If I'd stayed with my cheater, I wouldn't now have a beautiful bub and an honest and moral partner. My ex always said he hated cheaters and cheating, but now he lies like water and 'blames the relationship' for what happened, despite not looking at another woman till she chased him for 6m.
It REALLY sucks that your parents can't support you in this right now, but in time, they will support whatever you choose to do, even if it was not what they would choose themselves. They most likely are giving this advice within the bounds of their loving relationship and have not had to deal with this issue up close.
Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do.
To Pepadzbaby ~ Do you really want to give your bub your cheating ex's surname? Really? So it would break his heart (apparently). He didn't care about breaking yours!
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