I'm a little emotional right now so please don't be too hard.
DD stayed at EX's for one night on the weekend and he told me that she didn't want to go to bed so he let her stay up and fall asleep on the lounge.
I wasn't too happy with this as I didn't want him letting her set her own routine and form bad bed time habits. However as it was only one night we talked and I said to just make sure that when he started taking her for his full days, to make sure he be the parent and set the rules and basically gently guide her to follow routine, noting that he may just have to persist with nursing her, in her room, by the cot, to help her settle and adjust.
He called me just after 8 tonight when she should have been well and truly asleep an tells me she's still awake. And that he wasn't really doing anything about it. Just that before he went to put her to bed and changed her nappy, she cried and bolted from the room.
I know him and that he would choose whatever option is easier for him, ie letting her just stay up and play and then fall asleep watching tv then he can put her to bed.
I dont know if he will do this again tonight or if he will just wait say, 15 mins then try bed again but the fact that he didn't try and settle her in her room and stay with her to get her to bed bothers me.
I'm just worried that he's going to take the easy way out every time and that because he's let her do it once, she will keep playing him to get what she wants and I worry it will set bad sleeping patterns for both there and here at home with me.
Returning to work full time, I won't be able to cope if she plays up for me.
Anyway, I still haven't heard back from him so am not yet sure whats happening and I'm just a little bit worried about it all.
So is it a big deal or should I let him do whatever he wants, even if it means ruining her sleeping behavior and therefore being of no benefit to her, or should I ignore it and hope it doesn't ruin things?
*sigh* it's just hard and I don't know how to cope yet so if you think I'm over stressing for nothing, please tell me in a nice way and maybe offer ways I can get over it, if that's what I need to do.
I just want what's best for DD and want things to be as normal for her as possible and worry that he won't necessarily do that.
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29-02-2012 19:36 #1
Is this really a big deal or am I being sensitive?
29-02-2012 19:39 #2
I'm would be ****ed off too I'm sure shes unsettled too but he needs to make sure she learns a routine at his place. I think my frustration would lie with the fact you have no control over what he does there
29-02-2012 19:44 #3
Maybe staying for her bed time one night and leave once asleep to show him what to do but make him do it all with your guidance? Tell him you need a routine due to work and hopefully he is willing to learn & help best of luck x
29-02-2012 20:44 #4
I dont know your history, or what you are required to do, but honestly, if a child is young enough to be in a cot then they are too young to do shared care. Sorry JMHO. not particularly helpful i know, but i think those type of problems are likely to continue and get worse and worse in many cases.
29-02-2012 21:35 #5Senior Member
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- Oct 2007
It's understandable and probably even expected that your daughter is going to play up and push boundaries with the change in routine and no longer having mummy and daddy together so she may need some time to adjust as you all do.
Having said that though you and your ex should sit down, maybe with a counsellor/mediator/social worker and work out an agreement on how you want to parent. There has to be some room for flexibility as you both are entitled to parent as you wish (with your daughters best interests as the guide) and you both may not agree at times with what the other does eg allowing her to stay up late, allowing her the occassional take away meal etc.
I tend to agree with the social research that shared care is not in the best interests of children under the age of 4 (this is fast becoming the age that the Family Court is ruling that shared care may work) but if you can make it work and your daughter adapts to it then it can be a positive set up.
29-02-2012 21:56 #6
The most important thing for your DD is that you maintain an amicable relationship between you and your ex. You need clear communication of what is normal and expected behaviour. Maybe a journal or something online like google diary. But the bottom line is that he is as much a parent as you and you cant dictate to him what happens in his house. Children are adaptable, she will be fine. But they are also cunning little blighters and he will be in for a world of trouble if he doesnt set boundaries. But just like my child who eats beatifully at daycare and is picky at home, you'll probably find she doesn't cause problems for you just cos he is being a soft touch.
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29-02-2012 23:38 #7
Thanks for the responses ladies.
Well we have discussed how we want shared care to work and our ultimate bottom line is if it doesn't work for DD or becomes an issue then we will reassess but we both feel it's important for her to still maintain quality time with each of us.
The set up we have at the moment is not that much different from before we split so we both feel that she should adapt well. The only huge difference is her not sleeping here for 3-4 nights a week.
Our relationship is quite amicable and we've actually been getting along better than we have for the last 6 or so months of our relationship-which we both see as a highly positive step in our split so far.
We discussed having a communication book that we will each take when we have DD and write things in for each other, he went and bought a book for that purpose today.
Our parenting style is generally similar in most ways, though of course we each do certain things differently and we have both discussed these issues. He wants to keep the bed time routine as normal as possible for her and hopes that tonight's example was not the start of a bad routine.
He said she had a late day sleep and feels that may have factored into it, which I agree to a point, as if she sleeps past 2pm, she usually takes longer to go to sleep and I think also because he's living with his parents at the moment, she may be registering being "at nanny and poppys" a bit of a holiday rather than what it is so anyway, I guess we will just have to take each night as it comes and perhaps after she is settled into this new routine, she will realize it is "the norm" and settle down for him.
She is only 2 and I hate the fact that she isn't with me full time however, our split was a mutual decision based on a lot of things but it wasn't a big dramatic breakup with one of us doing something horrible and deeming either of us not worthy of our daughters time and we both feel it would be un fair on all 3 of us if she lived with only one of us full time and didnt get that time with the other parent.
It's still early days so I guess we will have a few tweaks to work on over time but we always keep our communication open where DD is concerned and always include the other parent with decisions and have had discussions and made rules as to how we each want certain things done so that it's as normal as possible for DD.
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29-02-2012 23:57 #8
FOB and I broke up when DS was 1.5yrs old. We did shared custody and have every since. DS is turning 8 this year....Trust me when I say there is no way you can control what happens when your DD is with her dad. You can try, you can beg, you can ask nicely, you can yell and scream.....you cant control it. My DS routine is completely turned on its head when he goes to his dads house....its just the way it goes. Im not saying dont try and ask and come up with things that you both agree on because of course you should....Im just saying dont beat yourself up over it because in the end its not something you can control and will only cause you more unneeded stress in the long run.
29-02-2012 23:59 #9
DDs dad and i split when she was about 14months, sound very similar to your situation, we have always been very amicable and DD has had pretty much 50/50 care since the split. DD is now 4.5 years old and a fantastic well adjusted child... Sure we have parenting differences but we both have DDs best interests at heart which is all that really matters. Other children cope with alot worse. You guys will be fine
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01-03-2012 10:36 #10
As much as it sucks and is incredibly frustrating, it's probably just the way it's going to be unfortunately.
When DD is with her dad she stays up late, watches lots of TV (often inappropriate shows/movies too), gets left to be babysat by his family, eats mostly junk food... I get her back in pretty bad shape, and then I get to be the bad guy making her go to bed and eat her vegetables.
It drives me mad but I've never had any success in changing things, and have had to accept I have no control over what happens at his house.
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