Hi, I am just going to vent a little because I am pulling my hair out with this child of mine . She is 5 years old and has recently started prep. Every day I am worried when I pick her up because I have been asked to stay behind to talk to the teacher about her behaviour that I am starting to feel like I am in trouble. She is always rude to me and is rude to others. She NEVER listens!!! I always have to repeat what I say and scream at her to get her to do anything. I actually got her hearing tested thinking she was partially deaf she is that bad. She talks back to me all the time and she ALWAYS lies and now I don't know what is the truth and what isn't and when I try to explain to her why she shouldn't do these things she just DOESN'T listen!!! She looks at me but she isn't actually hearing what I am saying!!! There has also been to episodes at school when she has wet her pants which I think has been deliberate . The first time was right after the teacher said that the children can't interupt her unless it is an emergency such as when you wet you pants, and what does she do, wet her pants!!! the second time was right after her friend accidently wet her pants. Now I think this is a deliberate act to get attention but god knows why she needs more attention?!?!?!?!?! She is always trying to get people to notice her and sometimes she is just wierd but I don't mind that because I like her wierdness. I have tried time out, sticker charts, taking toys off her, yelling screaming and even smacking but she responds to nothing!! Tonight I was so angry I even said that she is no longer allowed to watch TV, go to gymnastics or basketball and if she keeps acting the way she is at school I will even take her out of that class (she really loves her teacher). I am thinking of taking all her toys and things off her and giving them back one by one when she is good. I am so angry with her that it is affecting our relationship to the point where I don't even want to be around her. I don't know what to do about her anymore and i am extrememly angry at myself for everything that I am doing becuase her behaviours does not reflect well on me at all. I feel hopeless and a failure. Can someone please please please help me. I will take any suggestions!! It is not right to feel hatred towards your child when you love them so much it hurts!!!
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27-02-2012 19:24 #1
Please help, I don't know what to do anymore!!!!
27-02-2012 19:35 #2
Talking to a child psychologist may be an idea, and I would try to find why she is acting out there is something in her life that is causing this, maybe some fun one on one time may get her to open up to you and tell you what it is that makes her this way? if not you need to teach her respect and the only way to do this is become tough. Take her toys away and make her earn them back through good deeds. But don't loose your cool or she has won. But if you don't nip this in the butt now it will get worse. Ask her principle & definatly seek a child psychologist advice x best of luck
27-02-2012 20:01 #3
I'm sorry things are so difficult at the moment. Have you told her teacher how you feel & how you are struggling with managing her behaviour? The teacher might have some ideas/ tips for you, as someone with some 'fresh' eyes in the situation. Also, perhaps you could see if there is a parenting/ discipline course available in your area - I know of other parents whose children have had REALLY challenging behaviour, and they have been really helped with some new ideas of how to manage the behaviour from a parenting class.
I don't really know what else to say, I just wanted to say that it sounds like things are really challenging at the moment, and I hope that they improve.
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27-02-2012 20:06 #4Senior Member
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- Oct 2011
First thing - scream here, not at your child as at this point, any attention is good to her! Take it from someone who spent an hour crying at a session with a child psychologist - this advice has helped my greatly.
SD is 7, and has just recently turned into an absolute little horror, similar to the behaviour that you described (minus the pant wetting). She has a provisional diagnoses of PDD-NOS but other drs say she is fine.
We have a sticker reward chart which rewards her for morning, afternoon and evening. Each little sticker earns one big sticker and the big stickers earn her a major reward (Disney on ice, etc). This teaches her long term and short term goals.
However as her behaviour was so bad, she wasn't earning any rewards as we just felt like we were always rewarding bad behaviour. Her psych has also recommended we have an instant reward. (You ate your lunch - here's $1 monopoly money; you spoke nicely to a friend - $1 monopoly money)... Then when she earns $15 monopoly dollars, she gets to choose a special prize from the lucky dip bag (we went to crazy Clarks and bought $2 stuff).
So far (touch wood) this has been working. Last week, every day, she ate her lunch! (finally!!!). Plus, she didn't have any little sulky fights with her friends and *I* didn't have to make contact with her teacher!
Prior to that, she had every toy taken out of her room and DP had her writing lines but she honestly just didn't care. We were planning on rewarding her with her toys back but she only got like two!
With DP and I changing *our* behaviour and the monopoly money, things have improved. She does something bad - "that's not acceptable because xyz" and that's that. Very simple, calm voice. (I do my frustrations at DP later that night) She does something good "oh wow, that's great behaviour being kind to your friend/thank you so much for helping me xyz/you've done such an amazing job with xyz". It seems really fake, over the top praise but it seems to be working and the "bad" stuff is calming down.
Ultimately she's just starved for attention, which we can't comprehend as she's an only child here (abd is here 12/13 days per fortnight) and gets so much but go figure... Kids!!
Sorry for the long post but it leapt out at me as it was so similar to SD. Best of luck... Hope things settle down for you.
27-02-2012 21:10 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2011
Google ODD behavioural disorder.(Oppositional Defiance Disorder). I came across it while researching toddler behavioral issues and hadn't heard of it before. Im not sure if it is appropriate for your DD but worth a read.
Hugs, and good luck. Also I agree with Child Psychologist for advice and support for both of you.
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28-02-2012 16:18 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
Your post is just so honest and from the heart. I SO hear you! And I understand those feelings of yours toward your daughter, (that is, mixed!)
I love some of the ideas from ElleB.
I have no advice as I am kind of in a similar boat. My dd is only 3 though and not as full on as your 5 year old. (I fear she may become that way over time)
But like you, we despair because nothing we do works. We aren't in the habit of yelling or screaming (useless anyway) and we don't smack, BUT no other method works either. She could not care less what we remove from her or time-outs or missing out or anything.
Rewards have been kind of effective but she soon bores of the system. I'm tired always trying to think up a new carrot to dangle.
Her diet isn't crap and we speak properly to her and our behaviour sets a good example so I don't know why she's such a madam. And our dd uses toileting as a device as well - I would not put it past mine to do a wee in her pants for her own convenient reasons.
OUr DD is very intelligent and has always shown herself to be advanced for her age. I think this is part of the problem. Yours might be like that too.
Our little girl can be so so good but when she is not behaving she is impossible and tunes us out as well. I think the only thing keeping her from completely sinking into the depths of horrible behaviour is the fact that we try to give her positive attention wherever possible and play with her and have fun together.
I've often said to my dh that it's as if she is craving attention and has had a lack of it -- ????? how can this be? She's been our only child until now and I stay at home and I am very interactive with her as is her Dad. How much more attention does she need?
I have better luck with her than my dh and I think it's because I keep my responses to her fairly short and direct whereas he lectures a bit and she goes very silly during the lectures.
I really want to nip it in the bud (been trying since she was 2). Being firm and laying down the law in the old fashioned way is just a waste of time with my girl. It gets us nowhere nowhere nowhere.
And I'm from a childcare background in which I was firm and laid down the law and I am accustomed to it being effective. You can see why I'm so .
My DD is simply 'something else'.
And I reckon yours is too.
I don't think we can blame ourselves for everything our kids do as they are born with their very own personality. We've just got to crack the code.
Good luck and all the best.
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28-02-2012 17:12 #7
Try a 123 magic parenting course. It is really helping me
28-02-2012 17:41 #8
I would take her to a child psychologist asap. They will assess what's causing the behaviour and can offer strategies specifically for your situation. Talk to your gp for a referral, as you could be eligible for a Medicare rebate. Good luck and keep us posted on how you go!
28-02-2012 17:45 #9
28-02-2012 18:46 #10
Thank you to everyone who posted a reply. I am so very grateful and really appreciated hearing others experiences. Onedayatatime you daughter sounds so much like mine. Everyone always tell me how smart my DD is, maybe I just don't see it as much beaucase we are always fighting but she is constantly telling me how bored she is and it is exhausting trying to find new and exciting activities to do with her. Thank god she is at school now, however she tells me school is boring as well. She has a lot of talent, I can see that in her art and other things such as sport and singing and dancing. My partner and I often joke that she is going to make us rich one day as either a famous actress or artist. I am trying to get her involved in afterschool activities as well. She has been going to swimming lessons for 2 years now and she was in gymnastics however just told me she doesnn't like it because it is 'boring', that word again. So she wants to do basketball (which actually works out better as it is a lot cheaper). I have also found a lady who does early drama work such as poetry and she also teaches student how to talk properly. I am not sure if this class is good for abbey or not, I believe she will get very bored with it, but I might just give it a go. She keeps telling me she wants to sing and dance on stage and this place offers the oportunity to go to the eistedford.
Last year I took her to a counsellor 4 or 5 times but I didn't really like the way the session was run so maybe getting a referral to a child psychologist would be better. I was also thinking of taking her to see a pediatrician. As for the 123 magic, I had done this course and was very excited to try it out on Abbey, unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to do it properly with her. There were circumstances when I just couldn't count such as when I needed her to go to sleep or brush teeth or get in the car because she would actually prefer time out then having to do these things. And with all the different rules for different circumstances it just became too confusing for everybody involved. I even typed out notes for myself and partner and put these on the fridge to remind us how to do it but ultimately it was a failure on my behalf. The sticker charts have worked in the past for maybe 2 weeks but she soon looses interest in them.
I understand that my daughter has a very strong mind and that she hates too many changes but I just need things to change really soon because I am scared of what the future holds for our relationship.. Thanks again everyone that has replied. It feels good to talk to people about this. Hopefully soon I will start to get some answers and we can both work on changing our behaviours.
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