Here's the scenario: you have an old friend of 15 years. You spent many happy years together and were best mates, but you both live in different cities now and you have well and truly grown apart.
Your friend has a full-time job, studies part-time, is in a long-term relationship, no kids, and has an active social life in the city where she lives. You are a part-time working mum of one child with special needs, husband who does shiftwork, a few good friends around town that you catch up with when you can.
You try and keep in touch with your friend but she never returns phonecalls, text messages, email messages or F'book messages. When asked about this, she'll say 'Yeah I know I'm slack' without apology, and will go on and on about how busy her life is. When she does visit your hometown (usually at Xmas to see her parents) she will call you and say 'I'm in town but I'm very busy so you can only see me at X time or Y time'. When you do manage to get together for a conversation, you feel like she's a judgmental know-it-all who constantly comments on other people's parenting choices, lifestyle choices, etc. You can't help feeling resentful that she ignored you all year and now is just 'fitting you in' to her very busy Xmas schedule.
However, she sends you and your DD a b'day present and Xmas present every year. For you it's always something impersonal, like a Coles Myer gift voucher or some generic ornament-type thing you would buy for someone you don't know well. The gifts for DD are sweet, but she shows no interest in your DD throughout the year. On the rare occasion you do get together, she doesn't ask about DD, doesn't try to talk to her beyond 'hello' and always has some judgemental story to tell about a kid she saw throwing a tantrum in the supermarket, or her work colleague who is always late to the office because she can't 'train' her child to go to sleep early.
a) Lower your expectations of your friend, and stop trying to contact her. She is busy and has other priorities, and the two of you have obviously grown apart in opinions, lifestyle, etc. Continue to say 'thank you' for the b'day presents that she sends, at least it's the thought that counts, right? Continue to send her a present of equal value on her b'day.
b) Stop trying to contact your friend. Be royally p.ssed off that she ignores you the whole year and thinks that by sending you a generic b'day present, she's making up for it. Stop sending her b'day presents and hope that she stops sending presents to you - it's just turning into an exchange of gift vouchers between two people who don't know each other well, which is a waste of money.
c) Keep making the occasional phonecall/txt to your friend to keep the lines of communication open. Even though you're flat out trying to keep up with the other friends you have, she's been a friend for a long time and one day she might need you.
d) Write her a letter and tell her how you feel, knowing that she's never been very sentimental and probably would have no idea how to respond to such a letter if she got one.
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Results 1 to 10 of 20
26-02-2012 23:17 #1
Multiple choice quiz! Friendship advice!
Last edited by aquarius; 26-02-2012 at 23:27.
26-02-2012 23:25 #2
Given the long history I'd write a letter first.
26-02-2012 23:29 #3
A is what I would do
26-02-2012 23:41 #4
I have a similar friendship and I choose A.
26-02-2012 23:42 #5
I've always had this motto that friendship shouldn't be hard work, and if it is f#*% it off. This friends sounds like she's really hard work would it be easier to just let the friendship fizzle out without any tension? Sounds like it pretty much has for you anyway
27-02-2012 00:06 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2005
I understand she is an old friend and all but what r you really getting out of the friendship really. It sounds to me that apart from the presents which would take very little time to organize , she says that she will fit you in once a year when she comes back. What is She , the queen or something?
She is very rude, not returning fb ,email or phone messages. Kick her to the curb you deserve friends that actually give a crap.
If people truly want to be in our lives they will make an effort. Being busy is just an excuse, we all have 24 hrs in a day, some of us make people that priority and some don't. I would stop all contact and return the presents.
27-02-2012 06:16 #7
I agree with sunnyflower.
Sometimes friendships run their season if you know what I mean.
Problem with writing a letter is your expectation from it. Are you hoping she'll respond and be apologetic? I think it's important to know. I don't think you'll get what you need from writing a letter, unless she's the kind to respond (and doesn't seem she is) then writing a letter and posting it will just make you more hurt when she doesn't give you the desired outcome.
Unfortunately it doesn't seem like she's much of a friend anymore and it may be time to move on to save yourself hurting.
Its our expectations of friendships that let us down, and she seems to have totally different ones to you. You don't want to keep feeling hurt. It's not a very nice situation. Hugs to you.
27-02-2012 06:25 #8
My friendship all went sour once I fell pregnant then crashed once DD was born. It took me a long time to be "hurt" I was mostly angry! I still am angry actually.
27-02-2012 06:33 #9
I'd stay open to contact from her but I would withdraw myself from the relationship a bit, so I don't get hurt from her disinterest.
But I would do or say anything final. I'd hope maybe one day our priorities re-allign but accept at that stage we're in totally different spaces.
27-02-2012 06:42 #10
I agree with tamtam and sunnyflower.
Hard as it is to do, especially when you have so much history together, I think your best bet is just to let it go.
If for some reason she changes her mind and is ready to put some effort into the friendship you can always give it another chance
Last edited by abiishu; 27-02-2012 at 06:45.
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