Well where do i begin.....
A few years ago I started to have weird feelings, I couldn't even describe them. Just all of a sudden I started feeling dirty and gross. I just pushed them aside.
About 12 months ago I started to get the feeling that I have been involved in some sort of sexual encounter as a young child. I had no memories just again weird feelings.
About 6 months ago I started getting little flashes in my mind, like memories. They would only run for a few seconds. They memories are getting longer and more real. The problem is I don't know if they are actual memories or my mind just playing ticks on me.
Now the horrible part...
The memories are of me and my dad (who I am now very close to). In the flahes that I keep having I feel like I enjoyed it as if I was the one sneaking into his room and initiating it....no penetration just other stuff
God I feel so sick and stupid just typing that
My dilemma is this. Do I investigate this? It could truely turn my world upside down and I don't know if I am ready to deal with that. I am really happy in my life and I'm afraid that if these feelings/memories are real then things will change drastically.
What do i do????
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21-02-2012 14:05 #1
SENSITIVE TOPIC - abuse, really need advice!!
21-02-2012 14:14 #2
That must be terribly scary for you, I would suggest you get some professional counseling before making any big decisions on how to approach this with your dad. See your GP, they'll be able to give you a referral to a professional who'll lead you in the right direction. Good luck.
21-02-2012 14:19 #3
21-02-2012 14:29 #4
I will preface this by saying I have no personal or professional knowledge about this topic, but from what you are saying, it seems like if you continue to ignore it the "memories" may continue to expand. If this does happen it may be that ignoring it becomes more and more difficult for you without it impacting on other aspects of your life. That being said, I can see why you are thinking the way you are. If you do decide to take this further, a visit to your GP for a referral to an appropriate psychologist is probably the next step.
What a scary, tough situation you are in. I hope others can offer some more advice.
21-02-2012 14:46 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2011
Firstly, how awful that must be to have those feelings/memories/thoughts.
My first thought would be a psychologist or someone who can attempt hypnotherapy with you. Maybe that would be able to sort out actual physical experiences vs feelings that maybe your mind has expanded or exaggerated (by this I mean the part of your post that mentioned your mind playing tricks).
I know a little of how you feel. A few years ago I saw my doc about some sexual intimacy issues I was having and after a long and emotional discussion he gently asked if it was possible I had experienced sexual abuse as a small child. I don't believe I have but it was difficult and confronting having to try and dredge up possible memories and make sure I then wasn't imagining it. I asked my mum and after much soul searching came to the conclusion I hadn't been abused.
Is there someone you could talk to/ask (your mum maybe?). I definitely think you need professional help because if it IS real, you will need support to work through it, and if is not real then you need to know and work through why you have these feelings and thoughts or they may well do damage to your life and relationships.
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21-02-2012 15:37 #6
What a horrible situation
I guess the question you need to ask yourself is could you really leave it alone? Sure you could keep it quiet so your dad never suspects anything, but the relationship may never be the same for you if you never have your questions answered.
I definitely agree with what PPs have said. A therapist/counsillor will be able to help you with where to go. There's a possibility that your father didn't do anything when you were a child (I understand you're not sure? I'm certainly not doubting what you're remembering, again though a counsillor could help make sense of your memories).
What I'm getting at there is that your relationship with your father is good now, so assuming he wants what's best for you I'm sure he'd understand that you need to know why your having these thoughts and memories.
I really hope you get your closure on this, whatever the outcome may be, best of luck!
21-02-2012 17:04 #7
I do think it is probably better to investigate it - these are going to continue to bother you until you find out what's going on/what went on, and if they are indeed real memories, you need to know so that you can protect your own children. You'll also need to heal... if they're repressed memories and are surfacing now, I'd say your brain wants you to deal with them, for whatever reason. I think it'd be damaging not to. That's my completely unprofessional opinion.
Also, in regards to enjoying it, I've heard that's common for child sex victims, and that it can be very shameful and prevents people from coming forward. Any enjoyment you got could be the result of attention, or percieved love/affection or actual stimulation... your nerves are designed to react in a certain way to certain types of stimulation, so any pleasurable feelings are the result of that. It doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it okay. It doesn't mean that, as a child, that it was okay to happen... an adult is old enough to know that if a child persues you, you say no. Regardless.
I hope you find out what's going on, and it stops haunting your mind.
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21-02-2012 17:42 #8-
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
great big safe hugs.
You are having flashbacks and body memories. You may find that smells, sounds, voices or touch could
trigger off a memory.
i went down the exact same path as you. I had no idea and all of a sudden whammo.
i am happy to chat to you here or pm.
I would suggest a counsellor
in your own time.
I found that a journal helped and for me a website called After Silence was a god send. i still frequent the forum there.
It is for people who have been through this.
stay safe hun. its so hard when you cannot piece it together and it comes in stills or short bursts..is it a memory, a dream??
mine started the same as you and for me it turned out to be true.
please feel free to pm me or ask anything,
sent from brain to Iphone to BubHub~ a game of chinese whispers.
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21-02-2012 18:14 #9
I feel so bad for you, that must be horrible to experience!
I can't offer advice, I'm not a professional. All I can say is that I personally would want to know if it was me, especially if these memories kept surfacing at random times.
I hope you get some answers and some healing soon
24-02-2012 09:47 #10
Sorry it has taken me a while to get back on here to reply to you all. I didnt want to come back on and face what I had typed....
Am feeling good today though and wanted to say thankyou all for taking the time replying to me and for all you lovely and kind words.
I have decided (I think) that I want to investigate it but I am not quite ready yet. I will wait until I feel more confident and ready to do so.
Thankyou for making me feel as though I am not alone in this. I'm also sorry for whatever it is that you had to go through. Did you find it hard to investigate those memories?
For me they are more like memories than dreams. I am awake when I have these flashes.
Ilike the idea of a journal, I am just terrified that someone will find it one day and my inner most thoughts will be exposed.
I will have a look at that forum. I think I just feel like if it's real, then it wasn't abuse as I consented. (That's how it seems to me). My dad did nothing with us as children and I was always trying to get close to him and please him. Even to this day I still try to get his approval for everything.
Unfortunately I named my last DS after him (middle name) and this now makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't even know if these memories are real.....I am so confused.
Thanks again to you all
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