+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    390
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked
    107
    Reviews
    0

    Default Desperately need advice

    I need to know If I am being selfish really more than anything and what you would do in my situation. My DH and I had plans this year to have baby no.2 we have been trying for 13 months with 2 consecutive m/c which i haven't coped very well with. My DD has been my saving grace through this as my DH isn't intouch with his emotions at all. Anyway, yesterday we went to visit my inlaws and my FIL said that he had been trying to talk to me alone but when he comes over I'm not there. So he put me on the spot and asked if it would be ok for my DH to go to Europe for 3 weeks with him in the summer months so that's June, July or August. I told him reluctantly because I don't like to discauss our finances that we couldn't afford it at this point and his response was that he would pay. He told me he wanted to talk to me about it first but then proceeded to tell me he had spoken to my DH boss about how much time he could have off etc., and he has spoken to his eldest son and daughter to get there opinion of this. For starters my BIL and SIL are both single and have no children so he can't really compare there situation to ours and secondly he had already spoken to my husband about going a few months back when I was pregnant and my husband said he couldn't go. Now that i have lost the baby i suppose he assumes that out situation has changed and DH would want to go. I told my FIL that we would have to discuss it and left it at that.

    Now for the complicated part my DH now wants to go and I am left feeling really upset about this and quite angry. Last month we had our second miscarriage and I am still feeling all sorts of sadness from my m/c in Oct last year let alone the more recent one. My inlaws don't know about the second m/c mind you but they are aware of our first, and they never really acknowledged me and the pain I was in. The fact i am still not coping is my own issue and I am trying to deal with it but it is really hard, and now i don't want to continue trying because i am scared that if I do become pregnant and lose another baby either before he leaves or whilst he is away I won't cope. When i said this to him he said i will be fine which made me even angrier because i hate people telling me how I will feel. He told me he was sure there were things that i want to do without him but honestly going overseas without him is not one of them. If it were for a week I would be fine but you don't go to Europe for one week. We had always planned to go together and I am hurt that he wants to go with his dad and leave me and out daughter for such a long period of time, i know I couldn't be away from my DD for that long why can he be. I really feel like we married too young and he feels he missed out on something somewhere along the way. I don't feel like that I love him and don't want to be anywhere else. I guess my question is would you let your husband go?

    Also my FIL is 75 so he thinks this will be his last trip and wants to spend it with his son so that's why i am so torn. I don't want to be the ***** that stops him from going. What do you think?

  2. #2
    Chubear's Avatar
    Chubear is offline Mummy to two baby rhinos (according to them!)
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    777
    Thanks
    36
    Thanked
    64
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    i can see where you are coming from, but i think would let my DH go.
    it is only 3 weeks, not 2-3 months, he should be able to keep in contact via the net, or even a roaming mobile.If you want to go as a family, maybe he can check out he places they go as to whether they would be appropriate for your family? Since his father is so old, it very well may be his last trip. i would also feel bad if i said no.

    The lack of acknowledgement of your M/C and pain is a whole nother issue. I do think some of the older generation have a "ignore it it wasn't real, you'll get over it" kind of attitude because they didn't talk about things like that when they were our age, and women were just expected to get over it and deal by themselves. Or maybe they just don't know what to say or do so ignore it.


    For a chance to travel with his family, even without me, when his dad was paying, i would let him go, and expect lots of messages, emails, photos etc.

    hope that helps

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    127
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    23
    Reviews
    0
    I don't really understand why it was your FIL who asked you about the trip, rather than your DH. It's not fair to put you on the spot like that.

    I can understand why you are hesitating, given you are feeling emotionally fragile right now and in need of support. I think PP is right in that for your in laws, not acknowledging your pain is likely to be a generation thing (unless they are like that with everything?) When my grandmother lost a baby she was told by the hospital staff to go home and not think about it, and her husband was told not to talk about it ever. That was just considered the normal way of doing things. You don't have to share your pain with your in laws but it sounds like you need more support from your DH and he needs to back you up too.

    I can understand how hard it would be to miss out on a trip like this, especially if you aren't invited (I'm guessing?) and you and your DH haven't had the chance to travel together. My DH and I have done lots of travel but he is going to the UK/Europe without me when I'll be about 6 months pregnant and I'm still very sad to be missing out. I've requested a lovely piece of jewellery and I'm happy he'll get to do it, I'm just disappointed I can't go. Is there something you could do, like organise a girls weekend away or something like that? Not quite the same I know but you need to feel important as well

    Good luck, not an easy decision!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    6,096
    Thanks
    399
    Thanked
    747
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Could perhaps he go with his father for a couple of weeks, then you and your daughter join him for another week or two? That way you can take advantage of FIL paying his fare, and FIL can have his holliday with his son, but you can also have your family trip too.

    I realises finances might be too tight for you to be able to afford a family holliday at this stage ... or emotionally might not be up to such a long plane flight alone with your DD.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    in a wormhole
    Posts
    2,781
    Thanks
    4,634
    Thanked
    2,819
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Honestly, I'd be upset too. Going to Europe is something my DH and I have dreamed about for ages and I'd be really very upset if he went off and did what I've been dreaming of, while I stayed here to look after our child. Rightly or wrongly I would absolutely feel resentful and it would not be healthy for us.

    My parents wanted to do an extended family holiday last year. They offered to pay for all of us to go. They would never in a million years split us up like that into the haves and have nots. It was all in or none in.

    Is it at all possible for you to find the extra money for you and your DD to go too? What if you all went for 10 days, instead of just your DH going for 3weeks?

    It would be very hard to watch your DH go and have fun without any chance of reciprocation for you.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    5,276
    Thanks
    3,697
    Thanked
    3,092
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I think there are a few issues here.

    I think that the Europe trip is a wonderful opportunity, and not something I would want to stop my DH from doing (much as I would like to go too).

    But I also think that your DH is not (from what you have said) giving you the support that you need.

    In an ideal world, your DH would be fantastically supportive and sensitive, and you would wave him off with your blessing. But it sounds as if the fact that the first part isn't there is impacting on your inclination to offer the second part. (If that makes sense?)

    I agree with others in that your DH should have been the one to broach this with you.

    I do think that it would be great if you can find a way to feel okay with him going. I really do understand how hard and how emotional the longer term TTC business is (I am in that boat too), but I think it also takes its toll on the partners. Speaking from personal experience I feel that while I have been through a lot physically/ emotionally, DH has also had to be there to hold me up. Perhaps a break might be beneficial for both of you?

    For me the main stumbling block would be if he is not supportive of how you feel. That makes it very hard to be the one to make the sacrifices, if you feel that it is not being returned. I'm not sure what the right answer is, but I don't think you are being selfish at all. All I can suggest is to try to talk it through and put a plan of action in place about what kind of support you need from him. Sometimes people may feel that they are being supportive but not taking the actions that the other person needs.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    1,779
    Thanks
    327
    Thanked
    940
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    If it was me I would be encouraging my DH to go because it is only 3 weeks and given his fathers age this could be the last time that they can spend quality time together as just father and son. I know if it was my DH that he would really appreicate my being so encouraging and that he would happily return the favour should the opportunity come up for me and a parent/sibling to go away alone together.

    I think your DH's inability to show emotion about the miscarriages is a separate issue, at least it probably is in his eyes. I have had two miscarriages since having my son and I know that for my DH it didn't really impact upon him (as emotional as he usually is) and when I asked him about it he said that the two pregnancies never seemed real to him as he had not seen any ultrasounds, felt kicks etc.

    I think your FIL was polite by approaching you before your DH and asking for your feelings on the matter. It was always going to be a 'on the spot' conversation regardless of where it took place.

    If you do tell your DH to go and enjoy himself make sure that you don't start to say/do things to make him feel guilty etc as this will just hurt you both. If you say that you support him going then you need to do this 100%. Maybe have some ground rules that you talk every couple of days, maybe every day just a quick conversation if you want/need.

    If you are able maybe go and spend time with a family member or friend for part of the time he is away and before you know it the 3 weeks will be over.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    1,222
    Thanks
    1,146
    Thanked
    425
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    i would encourage him to go. i've been in exactly that situation, only it was my hubby going to thailand with his friends for a month, a few months after my first m/c.
    i needed a few weeks by myself tbh....to spend time with our son, do some catching up with my girlfriends and it was really nice to miss him!
    it is hard dealing with m/c but for me it was a completely separate issue to him going away.
    plus, i honestly think if something happens to his father down the track, he will resent the fact you made him stay.
    and think of all the good wife brownie points you will earn, plus all the pressies

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    390
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked
    107
    Reviews
    0
    Thankyou all so much for your replies it has really opened my eyes up to what my decision should be. I will tell him I want him to go simply because I love him and I would never forgive myself if something happened to his dad. The fact is someone will lose in this situation and at the end of the day my reason for him to stay is more insignificant than his reason to go. I can live with the fact he will be gone for 3 weeks I couldn't live with him feeling resentment towards me. He honestly is a great husband and although he is a bit lacking in his emotional side I know it is not his intention to hurt me. We have been together a long time and been through so much for this to be a big issue. The underlying factor is my m/c's and desire to have another baby I need to sort this out without punishing him in the process. Again i thank you all it is really good to have people be so open and honest it has made me see things in a different perspective.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    127
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    23
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by LilMuffin View Post
    Thankyou all so much for your replies it has really opened my eyes up to what my decision should be. I will tell him I want him to go simply because I love him and I would never forgive myself if something happened to his dad. The fact is someone will lose in this situation and at the end of the day my reason for him to stay is more insignificant than his reason to go. I can live with the fact he will be gone for 3 weeks I couldn't live with him feeling resentment towards me. He honestly is a great husband and although he is a bit lacking in his emotional side I know it is not his intention to hurt me. We have been together a long time and been through so much for this to be a big issue. The underlying factor is my m/c's and desire to have another baby I need to sort this out without punishing him in the process. Again i thank you all it is really good to have people be so open and honest it has made me see things in a different perspective.
    I think you've made the right decision. I hope he has a great time, you have a great time, and your TTC journey is a happy one very soon Mostly, look after yourself!


 

Similar Threads

  1. Returning to work - opinions and advice desperately wanted pls?
    By Buttoneska in forum Pregnancy & Birth General Chat
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 22-11-2012, 12:49
  2. NEED ADVICE DESPERATELY!!! 22months old & Eating Habits!!!
    By Nat1341 in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 25-03-2012, 20:38
  3. Advice needed desperately - 5 x positive PT's
    By Rocky27 in forum Conception & Fertility General Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 16-12-2011, 11:56

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
FEATURED SUPPORTER
Baby SensoryBaby Sensory is the only baby programme that offers a complete approach to learning & development. Our classes ...
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›