I am struggling a bit today after I 'caught' my DD (5 yrs) being touched inappropriately by her friend (6 years). I did not yell at anyone or freak out when I say it. Essentially what happened is that I heard the friend say to DD that they should play massage - my ears pricked at that so I started to monitor. I didn't want to go running in and say that a game of massage was inappropriate as it is, in most cases, innocent (I think). I heard the friend say I'll massage your tummy, and then it got quiet, so I peeked in. DD's legs were up and the friend was massaging her down below. To be honest I couldn't see properly as the friend was in the way, but when she saw me there (the friend) she stopped. I said, "You should not be massaging there" and walked out. I walked out mostly because I had a flashback, and was triggered instantly to a childhood experience I had myself.
I then heard the friend suggest doctors. I was quite concerend at this so stepped in again and said that there will be no touching of bottoms. Both girls said ok.
DD then came out toget something from the lounge room, and I questioned her about the 'massage'. She did not say yes or no, just said 'It was a joke mum."
I told her it wasn't a joke and that people shouldn't be touching her - we have discussed this before, so I was also upset that it had happened and my little talks had not protected DD. I asked if her friend had touched her and she said no. I said that I saw something that made me a bit worried, and that if she was worried about upsetting me she diodn't have to worry. She then told me that her friend had touched her. I told both girls that there was no touching and then dropped it. The friend was at our house as DH was helping the friend's dad with something and I was stuck with her for want of a better term.
When the dad came back I told him what I saw and he looked shocked at the 'massage' part, and said he would talk to his DD.
When they left I talked to DD. She refused to talk about it in front of DH, but told me that teh friend was massaging her tummy, DD said go to my legs and the friend went to her private area. She said she was shocked and didn't want that, but then it felt nice and then I walked in. She never told her friend to stop and she didn't know why. She was worreid that DH and I were cross with her, and explained that I was cross with her friend not her, I called DH in and asked him if he was cross with DD - she was hiding, and he said loudly 'no' then DD showed her face to him. I asked her if she remembered our talks about people touching her and she said yes, but wasn't able to tell her friend to stop, I reminded her that no-one was to touch her, and that it was private. I told her that if she touches herself and it feels nice she is not naughty, but she needs to do that in private, and definitely not let anyone else touch her.
Did I react Ok - I was freaking the whole time and flashing back so worried that I made it worse.
Should I do any follow up with DD? I don't want to keep on talking about it if that means it makes it worse, but I don't want to drop it either if that's not appropriate
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 22
05-02-2012 20:13 #1
Possible trigger - Advice needed regarding DD and someone touching her
05-02-2012 20:20 #2
Wow, I am not sure what to say, how hard that must have been for you.
I think that you did react ok, letting her know that you were not upset at her etc.
I would perhaps call up the mother of DD's friend, perhaps her friend has been abused that way herself ('someone' else calling it a massage). I know that you told the dad, but I would call the mum too.
05-02-2012 20:20 #3
I think you reacted great.
Worst thing is to scream and rant cause kids could become scared or think its "bad" to do those things.
However, I think telling her it's a private place is a good idea and that if she does it, that's fine. But no one else should be touching her.
Maybe just re-visit the subject when she has a friend visit, just to "go over the rules"
Just remind her its her "special place"
And no one else can touch and she can say NO! and not get in trouble.
The Following User Says Thank You to Nazgul For This Useful Post:
05-02-2012 20:22 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
I have not had any experience with this as a parent but I think that your reaction was appropriate. I would not be bringing up again unless your DD wanted to talk about it or her behavior changed in any way.
I think looking, playing Drs is common, I know that I did it and there was nothing sinister in it nor did ii affect my life, but the boundaries you put in place were spot on I think.
I would try not to be too angry at the other child, though I may be curious as to how she was exposed to that type of touching via massage.
The Following User Says Thank You to MsTruth For This Useful Post:
05-02-2012 20:29 #5
I agree with everything Louellyn said.
I would also ensure that if they are playing together again you just keep a close ear out.
The Following User Says Thank You to PomPoms For This Useful Post:
05-02-2012 20:29 #6
I will try to contact the mum, but I really only 'see' her on Facebook, so that can be difficult. It was the 'massage' element of it that worried me too, so I will try to contact her.
DH and I have had a few issues with this friend before - she can be quite naughty, so we have decided to ban her from DD's room. DD knows that friends who have been naughty get banned from her room, so that will be one of our new rules for this friend. Nothing really rattles DH, but he is upset somewhat about this, and is annoyed that this friend has been involved in yet another problem.
I am worried that DD is very quiet and meek and may be taken advantage of again - by that I mean that she is often too scared to stop her friends/ cousins doing the wrong thing so stands there quietly while it happens (any naughty thing) I am worried that this trait will be taken advatage of by kids who realise that she won't really say much
05-02-2012 20:34 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
I have no advice... Just wanted to say my best friend (still now) and I used to play a similar game when we were little. I don't remember much about it, tbh I can't even remember when it started or stopped, or who instigated what. We've never talked about it that I can remember. At the time I know for sure that i never thought anything sexual or wrong about it. I vaguely remember once her mum getting cross for us being semi nude. That's all I remember. For me (and I have no idea about my best friend), it has had zero impact that I know of and was more of a phase. Neither of us have had young or adverse sexual experiences.
None of the above means I have any idea whether it is right wrong or what - I just remembered from what you wrote.
05-02-2012 20:53 #8
I'm kinda with Hannahly on this one. I feel that the experience you have described is all part of the curiosity of childhood and that you may be reading too much into it (which I will quickly add is easy to do as adults).
The kids have picked up on your disapproval going by what you've written about their resulting behaviour and the 'banning from the room' issue will bear heavily on the banned child given that your child will know what it is in relation to (we don't have any kids in the rooms). I don't think that's very fair. You've also been quick to brand this girl as naughty and have attributed the responsibility for this behaviour to her. I don't think that's very fair either. After all, despite what you may want to think, both kids engaged in the activity and for all you know it was an innocent game.
That's just my take on it.
Last edited by Caviar; 05-02-2012 at 20:55.
The Following User Says Thank You to Caviar For This Useful Post:
05-02-2012 21:06 #9
I can see where you are coming from, and was looking to see if my reaction was different to the norm, bearing in mind that the event triggered for me. I also don't see this as a blame thing on either side, but this event couple with the fact that this child has done something naughty most times she has been here has me worried.
I also am concerned that DD was a passive participant, and want to address this behaviour as she is often a passive participant and that is not positive behaviour either. I haven't branded the other girl as such, today's game just adds to her bahaviour in general, which I am concerned about. To be honest I am more concerned that DD is passive in these instances, and don't generally like kids in the bedrooms as stuff gets trashed by all and sundry - today just adds to it. I have previously banned this girl and a cousin from DD's room fro trashing behaviour and told my DD that hse is not to play there because of how she behaves when these friends are over.
I totally get how it could be totally innocent, and need advice on this aspect. Like I said, my own experiences from childhood are less positive so it is hard for me to differentiate. At the end of the day I would love it to be nothing more than an innocent game and a chance to remind DD not to be passive, just wanted to hear other people's take on it.
05-02-2012 21:08 #10
Can totally see why this upset you, she is your child and of course you are going to get protective and worried for her despite wether it be with someone older with "intentions" or a child her age..
I am thinking though that this is a normal part of curiosity (I have 4 girls myself!!) and growing up but I also think it is within your right to be keeping a close eye on them next time. Perhaps let your daughter know that touching private parts is only for her to do/experiment with in her own privacy or when she is more grown up and perhaps leave it at that. Try not to make too much of an issue out of it otherwise you may start giving the whole thing a stigma/embarrasment/shame etc which she may carry on later in life..
It is a tricky one because you only want to protect her from the what ifs... iykwim..
The Following User Says Thank You to Hokey Pokey For This Useful Post:
By CluckySC in forum General ChatReplies: 23Last Post: 21-10-2012, 23:17
By Zombie_eyes in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & ChatReplies: 10Last Post: 29-05-2012, 09:09
By 3'llhavetodo in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & ChatReplies: 10Last Post: 25-03-2012, 21:23
TribalanceTriBalance is a physio, yoga & pilates studio in Brisbane's inner north, offering specialised women's health ...
LATESTWhy it is OK for your child to be differentWhat is a blessing way? How is it different to a baby shower?7 ways to break the ‘mumnotony’ at home
POPULARWhen can I start giving chores to my children?New baby nursery checklist – a guide to newborn essentialsWhat to pack for labour and hospital – a checklist
FORUMS - chatting now ...
IVF babies due Sep/Oct/Nov 2017pregnancy and babies through IVF
Any thoughts on my mysterious toddler? :-)Development Stages
Any thoughts on my mysterious toddler? :-)General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
Feeling great after getting the implanon put inContraception issues
Egg Donation in Greece #5Egg Donation
Egg Donation in South Africa #14Egg Donation
Feeding a 9 month oldGeneral Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
IVF babies due June/July/August 2017pregnancy and babies through IVF