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  1. #1
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    Default Supporting a best friend after M/C when you are pregnant

    Hi All,
    Well this is my first post so excuse the lack of or incorrect abbreviations. My best friend of 20 years has one child, 2yrs and a few months ago suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Of course we were all shocked, she was the first of our 'circle of friends' that this had happened to.
    As her best friend it hurt that I couldn't do anything to help her I have 2 children and fell pregnant easily with both. She also fell pregnant easily with both. She isn't the most positive person on this planet so this M/C has really taken its toll on her (understandably). She didn't want to talk to me and has really been in a 'hole' since, not herself and not really wanting to socialise.
    She knew I was TTC again and asked me not to talk about it too much, which I totally understand. I have just had a BFP and wanted to tell her in person so she didn't hear it from someone else and feel left out or angry.
    She guessed that I was pregnant and texted asking me not to come and tell her as she needed to deal with it herself. I completely understood this but she has since been quite nasty in things she texts me and I know she is hurting and upset but it is like she is taking it out on me.
    In previous months she has also taken this anger and hurt out on me and I don't know much more I can take before I say something about it. I know that sounds terrible, and I understand she thinks she can take it out on me as she is my best mate, but it's getting to a point that is making me angry with her.
    I have never had a M/C so I have no idea what you have all been through, but I also believe in the power of the mind and positive thinking - which of course she isn't doing much of.
    Is there anyway I can help her to move on from the hurt she has experienced whilst not loosing my best friend? Unfortunately she is not the type of person who can easily open up - if at all. I just need some help!!
    TIA.

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    Give her time and space - i know you think she needs to be positive but i would make sure you don't say this to her right now - it will just feel like a kick in the teeth. She needs to feel the anger and the hurt before she can move past it.
    It's not good that she is sending you nasty messages - maybe you both need some time without contact so she can work through her grief and hopefully see taking it out on you is not the way to go.
    I think the best way you can help her move on is let her know you are there for her if she wants and then give her space. Perhaps send her a nice card with a message saying you are sorry this has happened and are thinking of her. Perhaps a nice block of chocolate too - i would have appreciated this so much after my m/c.
    Good luck. you are a good friend for caring
    Last edited by MothersMilk; 05-02-2012 at 09:04.

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    chenoa (05-02-2012)

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    Thank you mothers milk! I have pretty much done everything you said, and have given her the space she asked for originally - only to have it blow up in my face a month later when she told me I wasn't there for her.......! I will just keep giving her space and play the waiting game. Thanks for letting me know its not only her that is angry at other pregnant women - I presume its most women who have tragically suffered a M/C.
    x

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    Hi Chenoa,

    Hugs to you and your friend. I have had 3 mc's, 2 early and 1 at 17 weeks. I can imagine your friend will have lots of anger and hurt but it is unacceptable to be nasty to others. She has the right to withdraw socially and to not want to be around others who are pregnant but to be openly nasty is wrong. After my miscarriages I was grieving the loss of my children not other people's. I wanted the best for other pregnant mums and I was happy they were with child because they were not carrying my babies, they were carrying their own. As her friend I would let her know I support her but I would then send her text back and let her know this is unacceptable. It may seem harsh but writing nasty texts are not just a one off slip of the tongue. She would have had to spend some time writing it and then pushing send. I understand the anger because if like you say she 'doesn't open up' easily then this will be her protection from the hurt. Whilst she is hurting I don't see where friends get off being nasty. I would send her a card with a list of support groups or phone counselling in her area and let her know to contact you when she is ready.

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    chenoa (05-02-2012),dancingbutterfly (27-04-2012)

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    Keep letting her know you are there for her. When the time is right I would say please stop sending hurtful texts, reminding her how much you care. She's going through a difficult time and probably doesn't know what she wants either. One minute she probably wants you there, the next she doesn't. You have tried showing her you care and that's all you can do. I think the card idea a PP is a lovely one. Perhaps you don't even need to go into detail, just a lovely 'friendship' card saying how much you value her to let her know you're there.
    In my opinion, I wouldn't just give her space in that you don't call/text/email or anything but just keep reminding her you're there. Even popping over for a cup of tea (if that's doable) might be nice. If you're as close as you say this might just be the kick she needs. (I had close friends do this for me several years ago in a similar position and it really helped - though I wasn't impressed to start with!).
    It's an awful situation but just remember why you're friends in the first place and what you think she needs and I'm sure the rough patch will pass! Congrats on your BFP also. I hope it all works out.

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    chenoa (05-02-2012)

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    I agree with what all the pp have said also. The support I had from my close friends after I had a m/c meant alot to me. For the first week I just wanted to be alone...mainly because I was so upset & would constantly burst into tears over small things.I think I needed the time to grieve & deal with everything as best I could. I appreciated the space they gave when I asked for it but also appreciated the kind texts they sent me in the mean time, hoping I was doing ok. It was nice to know that they were they for me.

    The second week, they were there when I needed to talk about things, which again meant alot. I found it helpful to speak to good friends about what happened. I think it was part of the healing process, even if you just wanted a hug.

    I don't think there's too much else you can do, just let her know your thinking of her & there if she needs. Thats not fair on you though, if she's sending you nasty messages. Especially if its upsetting you.

    She may need some space re finding out your pregnant but she shouldn't be mean to you because of it. I'm sorry to hear she's being really difficult & I hope she's able to work through things.

    Congrats on your pregnancy & I hope you get your friend back. It sounds like your doing everything right though. I would appreciate such a good friend being there for me. Hopefully she'll realise what she's been doing & it'll all work out. I can't comment on how she's feeling but just remember that its such a painful & devestating thing to experience. I still have good & bad days. I have my fingers crossed for you though that it'll all work out

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