I am new to this so apologies if I say something wrong. I am 37 years old and last year I fell pregnant, but it ended in a 'blighted ovum' diagnosis. I thought I had gotten to ten weeks, and then I started to bleed. The week before I had even commented worriedly 'I don't feel pregnant anymore.'.
Probably stupidly I had told my family, work and friends that I was pregnant, but is some ways I was glad I had because it made it easy to be absent a few days as I was going through the mc.
Anyways as I said I started to bleed at ten weeks, went to the hospital and they sent me to the city (an hour away) to have my first ultrasound. I had not been told I could have had an ultrasound earlier than 10 weeks and silly me had trusted the doc on that. So me and DH raced down to the city ultrasound place, not sure what to think as the doc at the hospital had suggested that she thought everything would be fine and this ultrasound was just to check things. After the car broke down briefly on the way and we discovered our mobile service had been cut off (it was like some weird nightmare day) we finally got there. I was in pain from drinking too much water in preparation but finally we got in to have the scan.
I didn't realise I was still so full of hope until I saw the blackness of where I was being scanned and worse yet the face of the ultrasound guy as he did his work. OMG he looked mortified and I almost thought he was going to tell us that we had some horribly disfigured alien baby in there, instead he told us we had nothing.
I felt like my heart was ripped out of my body in that moment.
He said it looked like I had a gestational sac that was only about 6 weeks and there was no baby in it. I wish someone had prepared me better for this possibility. DH and I were dumbfounded. It felt like we had been tricked, that some horrible joke had been played on us. Wrongly perhaps we felt embarassed and shamed, almost as if we had lied to everyone and we agreed then and there that we wouldn't tell anyone that apparently we never had actually had a baby at all, well maybe we had for a moment but for four weeks we had strutted around feeling pleased as punch that we had created a little someone, it now felt like we had been lying to everyone.
We went away that weekend and we cried and cried. Neither of us had been entirely certain we would be good parents, that we were cut out for this baby thing, but by 10 weeks we had finally decided we were up for the challenge and we were going to do our absolute best at it.
The doctor I saw when I was pregnant never did any tests on me except the same test I had done (peeing on a stick). Should she have done more? It is normal not to book someone in for an ultrasound until they get to 11 weeks? Probably I am just looking for some way to feel less of a fool.
My heart still feels ripped out, but I am TTC again (mind you DH has said he is a bit scared to want to try hard, which I can understand, but I am also scared because I am not getting any younger).
I am kind of imagining I think that I am pregnant again already. I keep hoping that this onset of thrush I have right now although I have done nothing to cause it (you know the usual stuff eating sweet yeasty things, or wearing tight knickers, etc) and my slightly touchy boobs are early signs, but I am probably kidding myself.
I am rambling and apologies again as I tend to be a TMI kind of person. I am not actually sure why I am posting here except that I was hoping some could identify with how I am feeling, and how it felt to lose my 'imagined' baby.
I'll leave it at that and see if anyone has any comments.
My heart goes out to all who have had similar experiences.
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29-01-2012 08:49 #1
Blighted Ovum Experience
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30-01-2012 13:16 #2
Firstly to you. I have had 2 blighted ovums so I feel your pain.
My first one was diagnosed at 10 weeks 3 days at a routine ultrasound at our OB/GYN appointment. DH and I were devistated. We had been through so much and it felt like a kick in the guts after so much hard work. We had also seen a heartbeat at 6 weeks so it really was a shock to us. They say seeing a heartbeat reduces the chance of MC but that's crud in my eyes cause as I said we had seen the heartbeat.
My second one was only 1 week ago. We had a FET and at our 7 week viability scan it was another blighted ovum. I knew something was wrong before we even had the scan because I didn't have any of my usual pregnancy symptoms. No MS or sore (.Y.) etc... so I was kind of mentaly prepared for bad news. Doesn't make it easier though. And I'm very bitter ATM.
SO I guess what I'm trying to say is I know how you feel and you are very normal for feeling the way you do.
30-01-2012 13:46 #3
to you both.
I had a BO in 2008. Had a scan at 6 weeks and everything was fine. At the NT scan at 12 weeks, baby was gone and hadn't progressed past 7ish weeks. I still don't understand how I didn't know. For 5 weeks my baby was gone and I was oblivious.
I had a D&C 3 days later as had no sign I would miscarry naturally and I wanted it to be done with so I could grieve properly and move on.
OP, to answer your Q about ultrasounds, normally you would have a dating scan at around 6 weeks to check dates and "viability" as they call it. Then the Nuchal Transulcency at 12 weeks to check for Downs etc.
After my BO, I went on to have my DS and am due to have our DD in about 8 weeks. It is scary being pregnant after a loss, but both times my Dr's have been great and have done the 6 week scan at 8 weeks to ease my mind.
I hope you both get your + and a sticky baby soon
30-01-2012 14:04 #4
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I too had got pregnant (IVF) after my first blighted ovum which is now my newly crawling 8 1/2 month old daughter.
I also had D&C's but I had those the very next day after being diagnosed as I just wanted it over with so I could move on and start TTC again.
30-01-2012 20:06 #5
Thanks all for your replies and sharing your experiences. Wish none of us had to go through a BO, but thanks for letting me know I am not alone in the way I felt about this experience.
02-02-2012 16:33 #6
Nellie, how are you feeling now? It is hard, but you will get through it. Just take as much time as you need to grieve and be ready to move forward. There is no right or wrong way to work through it.
02-02-2012 16:57 #7
Nellie you are certainly not alone as I am sure you can see by how many people have responded to your post. I have also had 2 blighted ovums, both discovered at the 7wk scan. One naturally conceived and the other through IVF. For the IVF conception I had regular blood tests up till the scan and the levels were rising perfectly in the correct range, there was absolutely no indication that anything was wrong. Most people who have natural conceptions don't have any scans until 12 wks so unfortunately I don't think there is anything your Dr could've done differently, but it is still devastating none the less.
I really wanted to say that you pregnancy was no less real or precious. You, like all of us, were unfortunate to lose your embryo/baby early in it's development but the loss of hope and the dream of your baby is no less. You were still pregnant and I hope for you that if this is what you want you will be again soon
Last edited by Starf1sh; 02-02-2012 at 17:05.
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02-02-2012 18:24 #8
Thanks all for your kind words.
In answer to your question Californication, I'm okay I guess, however I now seem obsessed with wanting to fall pregnant! I was okay about not falling pregnant at all (or I thought I was) but now after going 10 weeks thinking I was pregnant, selling the idea to myself, I can't let the thought go.
You see I just didn't have the emotional capacity to consider kids until now as from the age of about 23 until last year when I had just turned 36 I was dealing with my Dad's terminal disease that caused him to get dementia (lost ability to talk, feed himself, use his hands and fingers and had to wear nappies - so you see I already had a baby, though thankfully my Mum did most of his caring) before he was really old - died last year age 66.
My BO baby was going to be due around Dad's birthday, me and my family were so happy for the good news of my pregnancy after so many years of heartache, so I guess losing it like that was extra hard. Not to mention how bad I felt also for Mum as she was focusing on the hopes and dreams of a new grandchild, as a distraction from the pain of losing Dad.
And now it feels like I won't feel happy, truly happy unless I fall pregnant, stay pregnant and have my own little one to love like I loved Dad. I find it terrifying that I want this so badly. After 13 years or so of being just happy if I could cope, I suddenly want the world, and I am scared because my experience of life in the past 13 years has taught me that no matter how much you wish for something, sometimes you just don't get it.
I kinda feel like perhaps I deserve a little bit of happiness after so long living watching and worrying about my Dad who I loved so much but couldn't really help. But I've also come to learn that life doesn't work that way.
So I guess that's how this experience has affected me. It felt so cruel after such a long time of cruelty, I crave the happiness a baby could bring, I crave to love something/someone as strongly as I did my father (I love my DH but romantic love is different to family love) and I am scared as hell that as it has been for the past 13yrs or so, I'm just not going to get what I want. So I am torn between preparing myself to be strong if it turns out life continues to be hard on me but letting myself be soft enough to allow good things to happen.
As many of you have no doubt said to yourselves when going through losing your bub...Why God? Why couldn't I have had this? (Typing that makes me teary so I guess all the emotion is still there underneath things, just most of the time I try not to dwell).
Anyways after that big ramble off my chest. Thanks again all, its good to be able to talk about it.
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09-02-2012 12:04 #9Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
- Nundah, Brisbane
I'm so sorry for all of you
I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks in september then fell pregnant in november only to find that I also had a BO, went for a scan at 7 weeks and found only a sac, I was devastated as I thought everything was fine as my levels kept going up etc, had to have a D&C just before Christmas.
Then just last week had a laparoscope and hysteroscope and this time no endometriosis but FS found a septum, which he thinks may have caused the miscarriages, so now I'm a little bit hopeful for the future.
I found a really good website called TLC Teddy Love Club which really helped me.
I guess all we can do it just take one-day at a time.
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