My MIL, FIL, BILs & their partners all attended my grandfathers funeral and my family attended my DHs grandfathers funeral...
Its just the norm in our families, our families don't live in each others pockets either but they attended to support me/dh.
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24-01-2012 21:33 #11
24-01-2012 21:36 #12
I think it depends on the family. My mothers parents and dh grandmother and step grandfather have all passed while dh and I have been together my inlaws or my parents did not attend the funerals of the other family neither did our siblings.
If mil or fil or my parents pass away of expect my parents and inlaws to attend as they know each other through dh and I and it would be support for dh and I and our children.
24-01-2012 21:37 #13
ok .. if my FIL .. or MIL passed away ... my parents would probably go to the funeral ... (because they ARE friends - they do have dinner together if they are all in town at the same time etc) ..
but if one of my grandparents passed away I would honestly think it was weird if DH's parents came to the funeral??!! When my pa died a few years ago, DH's parents sent a card, which I thought was a wonderful touch, just to say that they were thinking of my nanna, but they never hinted at wanting to come to the funeral???
its kinda extended extended family then isn't it???
do some people think numbers matter at a funeral?? maybe she wanted to have an impressive number of people turn up???
I dont think your family is out of line for not thinking of going - every family is different though I spose
24-01-2012 21:38 #14
When DH's grandfather died, my family did not go. My parents did send flowers to his grandmother that was left a few days after the funeral. If it was my DH's mum or dad, all my family would attend.
24-01-2012 21:46 #15
Your FIL or MIL's funeral it would be respectful for your family to attend, but once we branch out to extended family beyond that (grandparents) I think it shouldn't be assumed. Fair enough if your MIL contacted them to extend an invitation, but I definitely wouldn't have expected their presence. I think it some ways it's disrespectful if you don't even know the person. I'm sure employers would love if we went to the funeral of every extended extended relation lol
24-01-2012 21:51 #16
Thanks for your opinions everyone.
I just got off the phone to my mum.
I asked her if she wanted to attend the funeral. She said that she'd just sent off a sympathy card and a prayer (knowing that my MIL is quite religious). I was proud of her for that. She reiterated that she would feel quite awkward attending the funeral but that she would call MIL and FIL sometime after the funeral to see how FIL was coping.
MIL will no doubt bring it up when I see her tomorrow. I'll just tell her that I've asked my parents and they feel it is not their place to attend what they feel is a private affair.
Most people just treat others the way they want to be treated. My folks just thought they were doing the most respectful thing but to some, it is the height of rudeness. Wadda ya do?
24-01-2012 22:05 #17
That's nice of your Mum to send a card.
When my DH's Grandfather died, my parents didn't go to the funeral. Mum was OS and might have gone if she was here, but I wouldn't have asked or expected them to, and I don't think FIL did either.
When my Grandmother died, the IL's didn't come. They babysat DS for us which was a lot more useful to me as I was a bit of a mess. If we had taken DS, DH would probably have had to be outside for most of it (DS was about 9 months old), and I needed him with me.
Again, I don't think Mum expected them to attend, they sent their best wishes etc and personally I think that is all you can expect when it's Grandparents.
I know I don't expect my parents to come if the IL's die or vice versa. In a "normal" family I would (as support for us more than the surviving parent) but as my parents choose to absent themselves from my life, I don't expect the IL's to come when they die, and for mine to come to support us when the IL's die would just be laughable as they don't support us in anything so it would just be for show and nothing "real".
24-01-2012 22:08 #18
25-01-2012 06:53 #19has left the building
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
Hmm well i feel the same way as your parents - that it would be the respectable thing to not come. I'm a bit surprised that your MIL is offended. I think the card and phone call is a really nice idea and hopefully MIL will accept that.
This reminds me of when a neighbour of my in-laws passed away and they attended the funeral - i was horrified as they didn't know this person. They waved in the street but were not friends and i thought it was such a disrespectable thing to go the funeral - if i was the family of the deceased i'd be upset about it as i see a funeral as a private thing for loved ones. They saw it differently - in their eyes it would have been rude not to go. So i guess everyone sees it differently.
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