Dh's grandfather passed away late last week (FIL's father)
Preparing for the day involves some 'catering'. When discussing possible numbers, MIL said to me, 'So I suppose both of your parents will attend the church. Are your brothers/sisters coming too?'.
I paused, a little puzzled, and said that no, my parents and siblings had not mentioned attending the funeral or any of gatherings afterwards.
She went all thin-lipped and huffy and said nothing for awhile before blurting out that she thought my family not attending was quite disrespectful to my FIL.
I told her that I was surprised she expected my family to attend and that knowing them, they would feel rather intrusive, attending a funeral for a person they hardly knew.
MIL said their attendance would be a sign of support to FIL. I said that a funeral was about the person who had passed and only those who were a part of his life should be a part of his farewell.
MIL's ****ed at me. I'm ****ed at her expectations. What do you think?
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24-01-2012 21:13 #1
What's your opinion?
24-01-2012 21:19 #2
I would definitely attend any of my my SIL or BIL parents funerals, as would my parents, ( i don't think siblings would be expected too unless they knew them ) I think it's just more of showing up to show respect/support if that makes sense?
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24-01-2012 21:20 #3
Umm I dunno, I see both sides. We are Aussie so its not really expected but naybe in other cultures it is.My sisters wouldn't attend but my dad may if I asked him. Dad knows dh family so wouldn't be too wierd.I would expect them to go to mil funeral though.In your situation i would have said they weren't planning on it because they didn't want to intrude. If she wanted them too i would say sure thing i will ask them. And bring my dad not my sisters.
24-01-2012 21:23 #4
I guess it depends on the family, and if they knew each other? I know my family would have definitely attended my (ex) FIL's funeral, because they saw him at the wedding, hospital when the kids were born, baptisms, birthday party for the kids, birthday dinner's for me or Ex-DH, DD1's dancing concerts, Grandparent's Days, etc. They weren't overly "close" but they knew each other. My Mum even invited ex-DH's family to her housewarming party. They certainly weren't great friends and really only just tolerated each other, but did consider each other as somehow linked through us...
But if they never saw each other or hardly spoke I would understand them not going... I see your kids are younger though, so maybe they haven't had as many opportunities to be thrown together at "kid related events"?
24-01-2012 21:24 #5
Well every family is different, but when my SIL's Pa (her mother's dad) passed away, I was there, my little bro was there, my mum was there, my grandma (father's mum) was there, along with all of my SIL's family, but we did a lot with them. We would play beach cricket, our family vs her family, and have drinks, but yeah not like that for everyone.
24-01-2012 21:24 #6
Just wanted to clarify op is talking about her dh's grandfather not father.
24-01-2012 21:27 #7
What a weird issue - when my grandparents died my mil wanted to come and I thought it was weird and intrusive tbh. she had met them but it just seemed so over the top.
If (when) dhs grandma dies none of my family will go - they aren't their family iykwim. I really feel people think too much about themselves and whether they should "show respect" and not enough about the family involved who hardly need to be around virtual strangers for such a sad day.
24-01-2012 21:28 #8
I would go to my BIL's parents funeral, as would my parents, but not his grandparents (if they were still alive?) funeral. That is because we know his parents quite well, but don't know a thing about his grandparents. I don't attend the funerals of people I don't know, unless they are relatives of dh, he has a million of those.
24-01-2012 21:31 #9
Ah I didn't see it was Grandparents... I think my family would still have gone though, but they did know them a little. But in that case they probably wouldn't have had anything much to do with them? That might be different?
24-01-2012 21:31 #10
I can see you point completely! My parents and DH's parents have only met once, engagement and wedding! Both see no real point in becoming best buds with the other family, they are very different and have their own circle of friends already.
My family would attend FIL's funeral (or similar) if I asked them to, but if not asked they would feel intrusive as its not someone they really know at all. Plus there are several other sisters in both families and the parents aren't going to try and stay in touch with everyones partners parents, maybe if an only child it would be different!
I think it would probably be directly related to how close the two families are.
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