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24-01-2012 11:23 #11
24-01-2012 11:39 #12
I think its appalling that your inlaws are pressuring you after knowing the history and it would only strengthen my distrust.
24-01-2012 11:40 #13
I totally completely understand. I was abused by my grandfather from aged 8 to 13.
When ds was born I only allowed my mother to mind him. Now I have ds and dd (3 and 1) I am alot more confident. I still only let my mum, a friend, or mil mind the kids. (not my dad and his wife or my fil unless mil is there) those three women have all been in the same boat as me and understand. So I trust them. The men however don't. But I just figure that that's how I feel and I am over worrying about what they think. It's got to sit right with me and that's it. I do find that the older my children get the more comfortable I am becoming.
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24-01-2012 13:09 #14
Completely 100% agree with u op. unless u are comfortable leaving your baby/ children with someone, u should not have to! Even without your history of abuse your partner and MIL should understand this. Gosh I hope for your sake they get over it.
24-01-2012 13:28 #15
i don't trust my MIL either and I haven't left my kids with her because of this. i'm lucky that my DH is supportive and sides with me on this. this is YOUR baby your partner's, not either grandparents' child so it's a privilege for them to see, not a right. as a previous poster suggested would you feel more comfortable her coming to your house and looking after bub while you have a bath or something? i don't understand this need of grandparents to have time with their grand kids AWAY from the parents, my MIL is really insistent on it too.
24-01-2012 13:29 #16
I can't say I understand, because thankfully that's never happened to me or anyone close that I know of. However I have full empathy for you and as a mother can understand the 'babysitter trust' issue.
Firstly, I would never trust anyone who brushed off sexual abuse as easily as she seems to have when you explained your history. Whilst it's human nature for her to respond with 'you can trust us', she clearly lacked the supportive understanding you needed. So how well does she really know you?
Secondly, bubs is only 5 months old!! Still such a small baby who is b/fed, which means the feeding pattern can change at any time. I'm staring at my nearly 5mth old right now and don't blame you at all for not wanting to leave them yet.
Thirdly - does your DP know about the stepdads inappropriate b/feeding comments? If do then he should support you. If it's only the mil in question here though and you're wanting to appease DP, why font you invite mil to YOUR house while you take a bath or get some quick groceries? Just as a trial on your turf if that makes sense? Perhaps while DP is also home if need be?
Hugs to you - don't be pressured in to anything you aren't comfortable with. You are protecting your child in a way that's best for you for now and that's all that matters.
24-01-2012 14:02 #17
I know where you are coming from. DD is 9 months and I will not leave her with the the in-laws.
I just don't trust them and they have NO idea how to care for her.
It's a baby, not a new toy to "have a go" of. It's not pass the parcel. It's a baby who needs care and takes responsibility. Not a play thing to have a go and give back at your leisure.
They should understand your situation and have more empathy. Don't let your daughter go until you are 100% comfortable.
24-01-2012 14:12 #18
Regardless to whether or not you were sexually assaulted in the past, it is your right to choose who gets to care for your baby and who doesn't. If your DP's family can't accept that you do not trust them 100% than clearly they haven't welcomed you and treated you like a daughter.
I haven't told any of my biological family that I'm pregnant and won't be announcing the birth to them because I have absolutely no trust that they won't harm my baby. I know it's stupid because they have babies of their own that are perfectly healthy and happy but I don't trust them enough to want them to be involved in any of my children's life.
I only trust one member of my DF's family and that's his sister. The reason I trust his sister is because she is the only one in his family who has spoken to me in the past 2 years. I told my DF that I don't feel comfortable with his mother and father holding my baby unless I decide to hand the baby over to them and in which case I would want to be in sight of my baby at all times and that there is no way he's taking the baby anywhere without me. He's not particularly happy about me not trusting his parents enough with the baby but I just told him flat out and warned him that if he tries to fight me on this there will be hell to pay.
I have always trusted everyone until they have proved me wrong, but I told my DF that when it comes to our children, trust is earned and not given. I'm sure in time I will grow to trust my DF's family enough to let him take the baby there without me for an hour or two max... But right now I don't and my partner has to learn to accept that decision just like yours will have to.
03-02-2012 12:48 #19
Thankyou all so much for your EXTREMELY helpful feedback. I know MIL probably just wants to bond with DD by herself. We live with my mum and sister while we're saving to buy a house so it just so happens that my mum and sister have a FANTASTIC bond with my daughter. I think MIL is jealous, because DD basically views my mum as a third parent to be honest. And I get that, but she has a daughter and she'll get to the the maternal grandma when her daughter has her own children. I feel like it's pretty normal to a) not want to leave your child and b) for grandchildren to be closer to their maternal grandparents in most cases. The thing that annoyed me the most was her COMPLETE insensitivity to my past, when I feel like I did the mature, adult thing by talking about it with her and discussing it instead of just putting my foot down and saying no (which like previous posters have said I am COMPLETELY within my rights to do so). My dad has always been very protective of my sister and I so he actually had a word with my partner last week about it and said that he has to be understanding about this. I think DP really respected that because he and my dad are practically best mates! I know she's still been getting in his ear about it because he keeps coming back from her house with all these terms and ideas which I've heard her say before. But he has been MUCH better, which is good. With MIL, I think I've finally got an excuse not to go there for a while and deal with her snide comments that only a woman would pick up on (they go straight over dp's head! males!!). She made a comment about me being fat the other day and DP (who usually will take his mothers side regardless) actually admitted it was rude. THANK GOD she was an outright cow that day! Now I might get a month of peace!!! But thanks very much for your support, you've made me feel a lot better about it
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