Or am I being too sensitive?
Basically I've noticed a lot lately that my DH has developed a habit of telling our DS (6) and DD (3) off on my behalf....... and I don't know if I should say anything to him because he is their father after all.
It bugs me because I'm their primary carer and I am quite capable of disciplining them myself as I do all day long!! Also he works long hours and often only sees them for an hour or less a day before they go to bed and I hate that he spends that time reprimanding them rather than playing with / enjoying them.
They are both well behaved children, have good manners and are considerate of others, however they are ALSO children and have their moments!! I choose to pick my battles with them, and if it is near bed time and they are tired I am happy to let the little things go a little, where as my DH who has only just walked in the door will tell them off. He hasn't been there all day when they have been using their manners and playing nicely together and so on.
I worry that they will feel like "Dad is never happy with me", because if I feel like he is riding them too hard, what do they think? Or am I just being over protective??
It also really aggravates me that he's telling them off "for me". For example, DS will crack a fruity about something, and DH will yell at him "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TOO?? APOLOGISE TO YOUR MOTHER". Whereas I would much rather tell him myself to calm down and speak to me with respect if he wants or needs something, but in a calm but stern voice.
I get tired of all the yelling, and I want to strangle my DH and tear him to shreds sometimes, but know I can't with the kids there!! It's not that we disagree on what constitutes bad behaviour. And we agree on parenting methods. Lord knows that I have yelled at the kids from time to time! I do however think that it is important to pick what battles you want to fight, and I hate that it seems like that is all Dad does
I especially hate that he is doing it for me!! Like I don't or can't discipline them myself!!!
Would you say something? Or is it his right and I should just pull my head in?
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20-01-2012 15:43 #1Senior Member
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- Nov 2011
Is he out of line??
20-01-2012 15:53 #2-
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- Mar 2008
My DP does the same thing with my boys I have told him that it annoys me. But he told me the reason he does it, is because I have been with the boys all day, and when he gets home, he trys to address his authority so that i'm not having to do it, he had no doubt that I couldn't discipline, just thought was doing me a favour by disciplining for me, he had no idea I was getting upset/annoyed by it. Since I have spoke to him about it, he has calmed down I didn't want him to feel like he has no right to discipline though, so if the boys are being naughty, I will let him deal with it, if I dont agree with why he disciplined, I will have a word with him when the boys are out of the room.
20-01-2012 18:14 #3
You could look at it this way in that your DH is trying to pose a united front with you and he is standing up for you as his wife. I think its very admirable of him to step in and demand your children respect you, thats an awesome thing for them to see. Imagine when they're in their teens and they see that their dad respects, and demands respect for his wife, their Mother. What an awesome relationship role model! If they see this, they might very well expect this for themselves in a partner. Couldnt want anything more for my girls Ill say that much.
I do understand that you feel possibly slightly usurped by him coming in and taking your place as the disciplinarian, but really, it is an important thing for your children to see, they need to know that just because Dad isnt around so much, he too is the parent. Just as long as he isnt doing anything too full on of course. How lucky for you to have a supportive and involved husband.
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20-01-2012 21:24 #4
My EDH did this and still does this a lot. But I can really see it for what it is, He is just trying to be a good dad and teach the kids right. I know as the mother I am definitely the more leniant one and try the "calm" approach, but I think kids need a good balance of both, and when you disagree try not to do it in front of the kids because they will see that as an oppurtunity to pin you against each other. Have a word with him if you think he is being to harsh, but dont take this as a bad sign.. I mean, its great that he is BEING dad, rather than being the guy that comes home sits on the couch and ignores all responsibility
I have nothing but respect for my XDH for the way he tries with our kids. Its rare.. It's very rare!
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21-01-2012 08:24 #5Senior Member
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- Nov 2011
Thank you ladies. It's good to get some perspective from outside the relationship. I guess in the moment it's hard to see it another way! I would never, and have never disagreed with him in front of the kids. In fact, when they come and complain to me about something he has done / said I always back him up to the kids. Even if I don't necessarily agree with him!! However hard it may be at the time.
Yes, sometimes I do think he is a little heavy handed with them in that the punishment doesn't fit the crime, but I do get that he is also tired and cranky sometimes! I know I've gone off a little too hard at them sometimes, but when I have I always realise that I've probably been a bit too harsh, and once I have calmed down I will speak with the kids and maybe reach a compromise. I have always made sure they understand that even when I'm really mad I still love them. I wonder if they know that is true of DH as well?
I never considered that this could be his way of being "involved"! It seems as tho he does nothing, so I never saw it from this POV. He is gone all day, and once he gets home he does sit on the couch and do nothing!! Or more accurately sits outside (he is a smoker) and plays games on his phone. On weekends he seems to be outside more than he is inside. Some days it feels like he is avoiding us
I guess I'd like him to be involved without me having to push it. He's great when I have to leave him with the kids!! Also, if he gets home and the kids and I are out and about he will ring or text me to find where we are and when we're coming home (I guess he's missing us ) but it feels like when we're all together he just leaves everything up to me. He will do things if I ask him to, like cook a BBQ or give them a bath, but almost never without my having to ask. Sometimes I get an "I suppose" and I feel like punching him in the nose!! I don't always FEEL like doing things, but they need to be done to take care of my family!
That's why I think I get so frustrated. Because it feels like he does nothing but yell at the kids!
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