The Issues with Mothers thread has kind of made me contemplate alot I have learned this past year about my mother, and I have been holding it in for sometime. AS alot of people I know, know my mother, and like me, would never believe it.
1yr ago, about this time, I had written up a thread discussing the situation my DH, DS and I were in. My mother and youngest sister, lost their home due to having no money, and being financially screwed, and moved in with us, rent and bill free, and my DH (and eventually) I were paying for a house of 5 on 1 wage.
What was meant to be a 3-6 month stay, was a 13 month stay. The situation was beginning to get bad between everyone under the house, especially between the DH and I. And in almost every single way things were strained.
Eventually the discussion came ahead, and what was meant to be a nice conversation about our living situation, began an all out war, which pretty much put me in a position of having to choose my DH or my Mother. And my Mother was hurt beyond belief that I took my DH's side and not hers, and I actually stood up to her, Which shocked her even further.
Since she moved out, she has moved twice, and lives in a really nice ministry apartment in the city with my sister, both of them have jobs in child care, and are doing pretty alright for themselves now. But are currently considering going bankrupt.. both of them.
I have seen my Mum a total of 3 times, and she speaks to me on the phone almost weekly, with a large lot of complaints.
What I learned from this whole experience was that my Mum truly likes to play the victim, and doesn't see the big picture to alot of things.
And my youngest sister, is carrying a huge grudge against my DH, as she see's him as the person who kicked her out. In the end I see it as, she wouldn't be where she is now, if we hadn't kicked her out.
Anyway, this past year, I have learned alot about my mother from other people. Alot of it my mother has kept secret, or lied about, to make herself look less terrible.
Firstly there is the money she borrowed from her younger brother, when she nearly lost her house the first time. My DH and I were living in another state at the time. She had told me that my Uncle had lent her $1000 to help her pay bills.
Last September I found our from my Uncle and Aunty, that the amount, was well.. 10x that amount.. 10 grand... My jaw literally hit the floor.
The second was my late great uncles inheritance. My Mum has been going on and on about how she hasn't received it yet. My Mum's younger brother also told me, that he had already received his share, earlier that year. That means family got their inheritance around the same time, my Mum was living with us. When I brought it up with her over the phone, she said 'Oh' and quickly changed the subject. SO either she has lied to us, and has received the amount, or my Great Uncle had cut her out of his Will.
As horrible as this sounds... I believe she probably did get that money, and just didn't tell us.
Family friends have told me, how often my Mum asked for money, and how their parents are beginning to get fed up with my Mum complaining and playing the victim.
The more I learn, the more I realise how sheltered my sisters and I were from it all. And how obvious it should of been, but being so young, I didn't really grasp how bad off we really were. I remember going to our elderly neighbor frequently, to ask for money for my Mum, when I was 9yrs old.
I remember going to the Milk Bar, and asking if I could get Milk or Bread without being able to pay and pay another day. I think my Mum was just very lucky that these people were very generous...
My closest friend and her father seperating away from us and falling off the map, after her mother passed away (My Mum's best friend and my God Mother) because her father didn't want to give my Mother anymore money and help her.
My Mum truly was an expert for asking for help, but also burned and mended alot of bridges over the time.
In a way, I am thankful she sheltered us from it all. But being the eldest, it was pretty much tattooed in my mind, by my mother, that I was going to be taking care of my mother til the day I or she died... And that I really couldn't live without her.
I think that was something she really pushed hard on me during her argument with my DH. Tried guilting me into believe I was useless without her. That I couldn't raise my son right without her...
And sadly, this is a hold she has had on all of us girls growing up. My youngest sister still believes that, and is probably... I guess... by far the most damaged... and truly believes, that Mum can not live on her own.
Anyway.. I could keep going on forever. But I needed to empty my mind of all this that I have been carrying. It's plagued my mind and heart long enough, and I need to let go.
I have been living a mother stress free life since they have gone, and I feel so much more free..
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12-01-2012 18:52 #1
Things I know now...
12-01-2012 19:04 #2
*super hugs* i dont really know what to say. but i couldnt read and not post
12-01-2012 19:10 #3
I hope you feel better after getting it out, so your mind can rest now
12-01-2012 19:16 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
- Sunshine North
What a lot to be carrying around.
I'm so glad you're in a better place now
12-01-2012 19:54 #5
You poor thing xxx hope you feel a bit better having written about it xxx
It's hard when family are difficult xxx
12-01-2012 21:04 #6
Oh hun.. Huge hugs! That sounds like a very stressful situation. I don't blame you for having to stand up to her. Since giving birth to DS, I have discovered many things about my mother as well & how she also likes to play the victim. Like you said, it's funny how when you're young it all seems normal to you but once you get older you really see things for how they are. It's such a hard situation to find yourself in. I can imagine that you'd be torn in different directions.
12-01-2012 21:24 #7
How stressful, I hope you feel better getting it off your chest
It sounds like you have done the right thing if you are feeling so much happier and free.
13-01-2012 05:40 #8
Thank you ladies.
As free as I feel, I feel like I will never be completely free of my mother. As alot of her life, still affects me, even when she is not directly with me.
My best friend married into my extended family last year. And while we were planning her big day, we became the closest we have been as friends.
She had told me that, certain family members had warned her about me, and my mother. Pretty much stating we are not good people.
My best friend didn't listen to that thank god, and she and her DH supported us, during the fighting we had back when my mother lived with us.
I also will never be completely comfortable with people helping or buying me things cause they want to, it makes me feel guilty.
13-01-2012 06:15 #9
Whats that old saying? 'You can choose your friends but you cant choose your family'. Frankly family can suck! I am estranged from my mother for reasons very similar to yours and it does sadden me that she will never get to see her grandkids however it was the choices SHE made that pushed me to it. But not havingher in my life has made me happy...happy that I dont have to put up with her crap and manipulation and that my children dont have to experience that as well. Being a mother isnt just about givng birth, its about nuturing your children and teaching them how to be the best people they can be. It sounds like your mother has been very self-centered.
Have you thought about seeking counselling? Just may help to get all this sorted out for you....especially if you are still in contact with your mum you made need some defences against the manipulation.
Its ok not to like your mum or not like the things she has done...maybe just keep her at arms length at the moment as you have a bubs on board that you need to concentrate on now so you can focus on your family.
13-01-2012 06:24 #10
I am happy with how things are now. I see her only on the occasion. And when talking to her on the phone I have more control, cause i can end and hang up on her.
I don't hate my mother her, I feel sorry for her.
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