All babies are unique and while now you are doing it tough in a few years you might sail through the teenage years and your SIL might do it tough then.
Also get out of the house baby free, start with just a small parcel of time. Your DH and DD will be fine without you for an hour. Your DH will work out strategies to settle and soothe your DD if your not there (and while they are working out what works for them you won't hear it).
I used to pop down to my BFF's house between feeds for a cup of tea. Being able to drink a whole cup of tea, uninterrupted while it's still hot was bliss in those sleep deprived days. It was very good for my mental well being and a good bonding opportunity for DH and DS.
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12-01-2012 07:45 #11
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12-01-2012 07:53 #12
Unfortunately some babies are good and some are a little more challenging but it doesnt last forever.
I think you should tell your SIL how you feel and that you are jealous of her.
Jealousy is a natural emotion and like all emotions, you can't control them but you can control how you deal with them.
As your SIL is your BFF and you would naturally talk about everything and nothing, then this is no different. It's no ones fault that you're feeling jealous and it isn't necessarily a bad thing or a negative thing and doesnt have to have a negative impact on your friendship. But talking about it with her may help you gain some control back of your emotions and help you deal with it better.
Embrace the way you feel, ask for help when you can, there is no shame in that and reach out to your SIL.
As you said, YOU know it's not *her* and that its *your issue* so let her help you deal with this.
Hope your DD settles a bit better for you soon. I'm sure it's just a phase that she will outgrow.
Also, have her spend more one on one time with DH so that they can form a stronger bond. He needs to learn how to settle her his own way and you need to enjoy yourself alone sometimes.
We may be "mum" first, but we are still "me" and you can't lose sight of that.
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12-01-2012 08:23 #13
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12-01-2012 09:07 #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
my bff and me had DS's 2 weeks apart.....her baby was really hard work at first, wouldnt sleep, was screaming for hours, her DH was pretty useless, she ended up with PND and ended up bottle feeding due to low milk supply / at tresilian etc..i think a bit of jealously is normal when your baby has "more" issues than someone close to yours..my BFF said she even jealous cos my DS laughed b4 hers....when u have an emotion u dont want the best thing to do is accept that u feel this way and that its normal to feel that way, but also rationalise the situation in that life will not always be like this and the tables could well be turned for u and SIL with future babies.......i dont think there is anything w rong with telling your SIL that u feel really jealous not of HER but of how easy her baby is to manage compared to you and that its hard to hear how easy her DD is at times ....also the thing with partners..if u dont let them "cope" with difficult situations they will never learn and be more than happy for you to do all the hard yards....let go and leave your DS with your DH , he needs to learn how to manage him, its a learnt skill and NOT a magical gift bestowed on mums...
u will feel ten times better when u get a bit of fun time and me time
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12-01-2012 09:24 #15
Hmm I have felt the same way, but with DD1 as she struggles a lot with school and her best friend, as well as my DP's daughter (all only a month apart), are both top of their classes, so I would get very upset hearing about all the great things they were doing and how fast they were at reading/good at handball/counting/doing fantastic drawings when DD was doing none of those things. Whenever they would mention it, it always came across as bragging even though I KNOW they didn't mean it that way.
I would try and tell her you are a bit jealous at times, not putting the blame on her (obviously) but just admitting you can't help but feel that way. I'm sure she would understand, and although she still has every right to talk about her DS, maybe she will be more aware then and not bring it up so much when she knows you are feeling particularly down?
12-01-2012 09:26 #16
you cant let those feelings consume you, it's seriously not worth losing someone u care about so much over.
12-01-2012 09:27 #17
Oh and I agree with an above poster about just leaving your bubs with your DH more. He WILL learn to manage it and you WILL be able to leave her more. I thought the same thing about my DH as my kids always wanted me and he never really helped out much... then we separated so he suddenly was doing all the parenting duties by himself. Without me there to jump in all the time and take over, he improved so much with them and now they are such Daddy's girls... he might not do everything exactly as I do it, but he does quite well!
12-01-2012 09:30 #18
I feel your pain. My best friend's baby is a dream baby. She's 4 mths old and I've never heard her cry. She's always sleepy, sleeps for 14 hrs straight at night, plus naps beautifully. Easiest baby I've ever seen. Meanwhile I haven't had more than 4 hrs sleep a night for 2 years and my DS has had issues and medical problems since birth, operations etc.
On my down days I struggle with jealousy. Its seems so unfair. And that's because it is. Life can be very unfair.
What helps me is the mantra, 'there's always someone better off than me and there's always someone worse off.'. No matter how good your baby, there will always be someone who has it better. But there's also always someone who is worse off and would love to be you problems and all. There is a sort of balance to it and we all fall somewhere in between.
The other thing that helps is just avoiding her when I feel most vulnerable. To preserve my own sanity. Some days I need to be with someone who understands, and as wonderful a person as she is, she doesn't 'get' it. She says just go out anyway. If I go out at night when I get back DS has been screaming for hours, DH is frazzled and about to snap, I'm exhausted but need to deal with 2 miserable people. I get little sleep and the next day we're all cranky and DS is overtired.
My bff on the other hand came home, went to bed, great sleep, happy husband. So, yep, still jealous. Going out just isn't that simple for me.
Now, things mightn't be that bad for you - maybe I'm a 'worse off', or maybe reading this you do relate a bit?
Go easy on yourself. Sometimes life kinda sucks. But it helps to accept how things are, accept things are different for the two of you, and try to live your own life. I hope that makes some sense. If it doesn't please forgive me. I haven't slept much lately.
12-01-2012 09:36 #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
thanks everyone.. all your posts have made me feel alot better . sil and i are going out for coffee in the evening so will talk to her than. DH is very suportive of me and does help when he's home. he actually suggested that on the weekend i leave DD after feeding her with him and go get a massage (which i always loved getting before DD was born). so i'll be doing that as well . i know things will get easier..just have to power through this rough patch
13-01-2012 08:02 #20
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and you're going to get some time out Did you have a chat with Sil?
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