Oh your poor Mum! She sounds as though she would definitely benefit from counselling.
Her trauma however should not change your plans though, you should be able to birth wherever you feel safest, because that is extremely important.
I would definitely just keep my plans a bit unclear, and just birth at home regardless, if that's your decision.
I wouldn't have her meet the MW or anything, it's your birth, and you have enough to be thinking about without trying to put your Mum at ease. She needs to see someone else for herself if she chooses to.
She wouldn't be someone who you would want to be present, as the people you need around at a HB are those who are positive, calm and collected.
I hope everything goes well for you, and your Mum somehow manages to process her trauma.
All the best
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08-01-2012 17:39 #11
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08-01-2012 17:40 #12Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2010
I had one of my midwife appt s at my mums place, so that she could meet my midwife. This helped mum to become a bit more comfortable with the idea of homebirth (i thought that she would like the midwife, and was right).
As it gets closer to my birth however i feel mum's fears begin to rise again, and for me and my baby i have to look past her issue and just focus on how i feel and what i want for my birth.
You may find that it is easier if your mum thinks that you will go to hospital to birth your baby and then deal with the issue later. It took me awhile to confirm to my Mum that we would be staying home.
08-01-2012 17:47 #13Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2010
I dont really have any help to offer, i just wanted to say
I think it is really beautiful how connected to you and your future bub your mum feels.
Now if I was in your possition, I would probably not homebirth, to appease my mum... BUT I lost my mum several years ago, so have a biased and romanticised view of mother daughter relationships.
PS this is just what I THINK I would do... not necessarily what I think you should do.
08-01-2012 17:53 #14
Yes I think in this situation I would keep my birth plans to myself. Having fear around you may hamper your experience. For me, that would be the same for anyone with negative feelings - mum, dad, co-workers, friends, whoever. Hope it all works out for you
08-01-2012 18:33 #15
I agree with MissieMack. I would be keeping it to myself.
When I was planning my homebirth for DS2, my MIL constantly attempted to plant a seed of doubt in my mind. I soon learnt that she had a very inaccurate perception of the entire process - she had no idea midwives carry the equipment they do, she knew little of their qualifications (she assumed doctors are needed, and thought midwives were more like doulas I suppose). She knew nothing about the rampant amount of birth trauma occurring in hospitals.
However, even after giving her information, she continued to express her concern. In hindsight, I wouldn't have told her until after the birth. It would have kept me a little more sane, and more focused on the important things - MY birthing plans for MY baby.
It sounds like your mother has experienced something quite traumatic, and that's really unfortunate I don't know if any amount of information or conversations between her and a midwife would change her outlook on homebirths, especially in such a very short timeframe, which is why I agree that you should keep it a secret.
08-01-2012 19:09 #16
yep, agree with others. where and how you birth is between you and your partner and nobody else. my mum begged me not to HB, she threatened not to look after out other two boys if I did so we didn't tell her until after baby was born. no one else aside from here even knew that we were having a HB...cos it's no one elses' business.
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08-01-2012 19:16 #17
She had it in her head that it was illegal to homebirth, therefore tried to derail any plans I had. Plus she doesn't like me very much
08-01-2012 19:39 #18
Don't feel that there is a need to share everything about this time with your mother..
Once you start a family..parents become extended family.. You make the decisions that best suit you and your immediate family. No guilt there!
Enjoy this wonderful decision, it is a time of excitement.
Your mum may need to work though some things but your pregnancy/birth is not the time to do so.
I'd be keeping some things to myself if I were you hon.
Best of luck xxx
08-01-2012 22:43 #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
Your bathroom & house sounds so beautiful perhaps talk to your midwife about all your options Including what DH should look for if you need extra attention(ambulance) during home birth(blood pressure dropping?) and how to go about setting up an emergancy plan eg do you call the ambulance to tell them you've gone into labour & are home birthing in case you need assistance later?
I don't know much about homebirths but a back up plan would help me sleep.
baby dust to you
08-01-2012 23:22 #20
If this isn't something you think you can discuss rationally and reasonably with her I'd probably not tell her.
My mum and I have the kind of relationship where if she reacted like that to ANY parenting decision I was making I would be able to say to her her reaction isn't reasonable, clearly is about her & not me, and I'd be more than happy to work her to help her get through whatever was coming up for her, as an entirely separate discussion to what I was doing with my body. And even if she had to take a few days I know at the very least she's absolutely respect that as a clear boundary.
However... My mum & I have a pretty unique relationship & dialogue.
If I didn't have that relationship & she reacted that way, for her sake, and her mental health, I'd probably still try to have an open and frank discussion about it, but if that failed, I'd lie or lie by omission, and not tell her I planned to homebirth. Because if all its going to do is bring you and her anxiety, and if there's no way this could be an opportunity for her to address what's happened for her and move forward, then I'd leave it.
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