This is a bit off an odd story, and an odd question.
Pre-warning, this may be a sensitive issue for some people, please keep caution while reading
Hubby and I want to TTC early this year, start in April. I've been doing research on different birthing techniques as the house we're in now is absolutely beautiful. Very old, with that lovely peaceful atmosphere that old houses have, lots of wood panelling. The bathroom is large enough that I'm able to wash two Great Danes in it, with room to walk around them and avoid the splatter from shaking. It has stained glass windows and a stained glass skylight, the tiling is cream and soft reds, old wood shelving and I find it beautiful and very relaxing in there.
Previously, I was very against homebirths, but I like to get all the facts on something before I swing against or for it, and I've found that the thoughts I had about it were mostly incorrect and outdated.
I quite like the idea of homebirthing in that bathroom, in the lovely roomy shower with the coloured sunlight.
I love showering anyway, and would adore to have that warm water on me while birthing.
We live walking distance to the hospital, so no issues with getting there in an emergency, and I've added it to my list of "Seriously consider".
However, there's a small problem, and I would be grateful for any outside advice in this matter.
My mother is extremely against homebirths, and goes hysterical when I mentioned the idea of liking to homebirth. I mentioned it once and she burst into tears and said no no no don't do it you'll die the baby will die, it's so unsafe, what if this...what if that...
This is the sensitive warning, again
Now, she has a really good excuse for this. Although she refuses to talk about it, and Dad has a closed mouth on the issue, I've gotten out in bits and pieces that she was at home alone, with Dad on a nightshift, and she had the baby at home. The ambulance got there but the baby was stillborn.
I don't know if this was before or after I was born, I know they had twins before me and miscarried very late in the pregnancy, and there was an early miscarriage before my youngest sister.
She denies it when I try and bring it up, and switches to another subject or just walks away, and I certainly do not want to press the issue on such a extremely tender subject.
I've tried the gentle approach with "You know Mum, they say that homebirth makes the birth easier, and..." but I get that far and she freaks out again.
I would really like to give more thought and research into homebirth, but I'm also tempted to just go the hospital route to soothe my mum. Then, I get into a fuss and think "It's not her baby! It's not HER body!"...and then I think well...it sortof is.
She's afraid that her beloved daughter and grandchild will die, and that's a very valid fear. I'm not in my rights to deny her fear, which is actually valid, because she's experienced what can go wrong.
So, is there any advice from hubbers on this tender issue?
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08-01-2012 16:41 #1
Mum thinks baby will die
08-01-2012 16:45 #2
Maybe sit down and watch 'the business of being born' with her so she can see what a home birth can be like. It may change her view on it.
I feel for you both. She's obviously had a traumatic experience and wants to save you from the same.
08-01-2012 16:46 #3-
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Will you have a midwife to help you with a homebirth? Or do you plan on a freebirth? If you will have a midwife, perhaps you could focus on the fact that you won't be alone, you will have a midwife with you etc?
Alternatively, you could just not talk to your mother about your birthing choices and have her live in blissful ignorance?
08-01-2012 16:49 #4
it sounds like she has some sort of trauma associated with her experience which is totally natural I suppose.
personally, if I was you I would continue doing research and work out what is best for you and your partner. If that is homebirth then I don't think you shouldn't do it just because of your mothers fears/history.
Is it possible that if you decide to homebirth that you have to tell her? Could you tell her that you are planning on birthing at the hospy? Would she expect to be there etc?
All I am saying if her response is that emotive/deep/traumtic I doubt you will be able to use logic to make her feel better about it. IT sounds like something she will only deal with if/when she is able to process her own past/issues perhaps with professional help.
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08-01-2012 16:53 #5Senior Member
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- Apr 2006
tough one thats for sure.
I can see that she has a rational fear due to the fact that it happened to HER. It is not something that she has heard over the grapevine, and lets face it if something terrible happens to us the last thing we want is for it to happen to a loved one.
Now to your wants. They are valid too. You have every right to birth your baby how you want to. As horrible as it sounds you dont know the full circumstances of what happened to baby, there is nothing to say that the same end result would not have occured at a hospital. The difference here will be you will have an experience medical person on standby guiding you through. You are mins from hospital. You will not be alone. Maybe if you get all your info ready, find yourself a wonderful midwife/doula and then approach your mum. Let your mum meet her and come with you to some appointments so mum can have an understanding of how it will all work.
You should not have to give up the way you want to birth, but you dont need to discount her feelings either and I think by involving mum and giving her all the updated info you have done this.
08-01-2012 16:53 #6
I would personally leave it until you are meeting with your midwife, the maybe ask her if she would like to come to meet with her? I don't know but I don't think you should plan your birth around other peoples feelings as you are the one that will truly have to live with that choice. If she is that upset I would suggest asking her if she has ever spoke to anyone about it? Also if she is holding onto her fear it might be best for you to really thing about whether she is going to offer you the kind of support you need during pregnancy and the birth.
08-01-2012 16:55 #7
Id do it anyway and just not tell her, tell her you are booked into hospy?
I also want a homebirth, so i understand you wanting her support as well.. its hard when you have to try to convince those around you that you are making the right choice for you and your baby.
But in saying that, if you decide you really want a homebirth you shouldn't let her traumatic experience stop you. Having a planned homebirth with support is very different to an accidental homebirth when you don't even have your partner there to help.
There is also the possibility her baby was already gone before she even started birthing. She has a history of fetal loss... I had a stillborn daughter 2 years ago, and although that was traumatic, she was gone well before labour started and i still trust my body to birth this baby. I went to all the hospital appointments etc and i still lost my baby. Medicine can only go so far and sometimes sh!t things happen in life. But you can't let (your mothers) fear rule your decisions.
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08-01-2012 16:57 #8
08-01-2012 16:58 #9
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08-01-2012 16:59 #10
And as pps have said, maybe try having her meet the midwife etc? Sounds as though your mum needs counseling either way though xx
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