This is quite embarrassing so I can't talk to anyone IRL about this as yet... I guess this is more of a vent or seeking assurance that this isn't just us and that we aren't 'those freaky people'....please....!
So our DS is 4mths old and we've yet to DTD....in fact we haven't DTD since I was 5 months pregnant
This is NOT by my choice either, I love and miss $ex in my life. My DH just has no desire and hasn't for years now. It all started when some medication he was on affected his libido and 'lasting power'. This in turn wrecked his confidence and he lost all sexual desire. For past 3-4 years whenever we have DTD it has been out of necessity or me nagging him for weeks. It's then over in 1min which upsets him even further and I'm left lying wondering why we bothered
Consequently the $ex therefore is not interesting/pleasurable now anyway. I've now given up trying or talking about it because nothing changes so what's the point (offered counseling, made moves myself etc). But all of a sudden it's nearly 12 months and I'm freaking out as ppl always say a marriage can't be happy or last without a $ex life. We don't have one, period. I'm wondering if witnessing my not so pleasant birth had made it worse? My Ob made him watch the episiotomy and I know that freaked him out - can you blame him?!
Everything else in our life together is wonderful. He's very loving and considerate in other ways, is a fantastic hubby and father. He just doesn't.want.$ex.ever.
Has anyone else experienced this and still had a happy marriage? He is my soul mate and I'm willing to live without $ex if it means everything else in our lives 'works' together. I do miss it and the intimacy, I can't lie, but what else can I do? please someone tell me I'm not alone...the stereotype is the other way around, men usually love $ex we are always told.
We both have medical conditions that means we have to rely on IVF for our family, so he even gets out of it there too...
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07-01-2012 20:10 #1
*sensitive* when did DTD resume for you?
07-01-2012 20:18 #2
I'm sorry, it's so typical for it to be seen that guys r the only ones who crave dtd! My dp has lack of drive whilst I do have a higher libido, for me it's a sense of confidence if my dp doesn't want to it makes me feel ugly, fat no matter what he says!
For us we r trying to find a balance in order to retain our lives together.
07-01-2012 20:18 #3
StuPod IPhone posted twice!!
Last edited by MumDadBoyandGirl; 07-01-2012 at 20:24.
07-01-2012 20:37 #4
Thanks for sharing. X
07-01-2012 21:07 #5
Been three months here... Started to once, but got interrupted by a crying newborn. I had an episiotomy (of which I split some of my stitches) and other post natal issues, so have been a bit tentative. Plus, it's been hard because DD isn't a great sleeper. And I keep forgetting to take my mini-pill (just reminded me that I have to go take it...)
So no, you're definitely not alone.
Last edited by smallpotatoes; 07-01-2012 at 21:32. Reason: Because grammar fails me. Or I fail grammar.
07-01-2012 21:31 #6
My hubby was not attracted to me(not that he would ever admitt to it) it was nearly a year before we did and I was morbidly obese after my DD2 was born and he never admitted it was my weight but I knew it was as it resumed within a few weeks of me starting to lose the weight(10kg).
I am still losing weight but now know he loves me but is not sexually aroused when I am bigger. We were still happy other then me being frustrated and angry when he refused sex and would just hide behind being tired. I know how hard it is as I have a very high sex drive and when its not happening its so hard but I gave up asking or trying to entice him as it just caused issues as apart from lack of bedroom action life was good and we had a great time together in evry other aspect of our life.
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08-01-2012 07:47 #7
I do believe you can have a healthy relationship. The most important thing is that you two are honest and open with each other. It doesn't matter what a 'standard' relationship is, or what would/wouldn't work for others. If you two can make it work, if you think you can be happy that way, then that's all that matters.
I would personally have to try to get some intimacy in other ways. Maybe offer a massage? And then he has to return the favour? Make it a regular occurrence. Hopefully he is still willing to 'please' you in other ways?
It is a big sacrifice you are making.
Is he willing to try the little blue pills? It can help him get over the confidence issues and it could then hopefully return to normal? It's hard if he really won't seek help at all.
All the best. I couldn't not reply.
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08-01-2012 12:51 #8
Who says that marriages can't survive without $ex? Marriage is about love, one night stands are about $ex.
I am NOT trying to make you feel bad, so please don't take it in this manner because I'd hate to make you upset, but rare is the day when we don't DTD. We were doing it the night before my induction and two days after the birth as I wasn't cut and we couldn't hold off any longer. Three days was a bit of a stretch for us and the doctor said go ahead, as long as you're super gentle and clean.
Usually the deed just 'happens', we're lying in bed reading, I look over at him, he looks at me and winks, and then books are put on bedside tables as we get to better things.
Other days I'll have a bath with some delicious Lush stuff so I smell great, put on lingerie and go find him.
If you go out of your way to seduce him, and he doesn't want to, it'll only end in resentment on your part and embarrassment on his.
Maybe he is attracted to you, but with his heart. Not all people have large s*x drives, some suddenly lose the desire to have s*x at all and it's just as natural as having a s*x drive.
Again, I am NOT trying to offend you, but have you tried branching out? Watching pron together, concentrating on giving him oral, a sexy massage?
Maybe he has a certain desire that he's too embarrassed to put forward to you, and that's killing his drive?
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08-01-2012 19:16 #9
It sounds as though you guys have an extremely healthy and active $ex life which is wonderful. I really wish we had one, although I'd even be happy with 1-2 per week to be honest
Thanks for all suggestions on setting the mood, branching out etc Unfortunately they wouldn't really work as DH has never been in to that stuff, even before he had this issue. He's always been the ...aahh...'down to business' type of lover shall we say. Not much passion or romance in that dept if that makes sense! He thinks expensive lingerie is a waste of money
I truly think a lot of it comes down to lack of confidence now, and no matter how many times I've told him I don't care how long he lasts (I do, but would rather a quickie than none), he has given up making any moves.
He admitted last night he just has no desire and is ashamed he can't last long, but would happily DTD if I want. Well that's not exactly the motivation I need or want, so both of us are now like 'what's the point?'. Knowing he has no interest has now ruined my desires too
Thanks everyone for your responses. We have an amazing relationship and he is very attentative in other ways, the lack of $ex is the only complaint I have. I guess I can't whinge if that's it huh? But I do miss a good loving session....
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09-01-2012 06:42 #10
We Dtd about a week after dd was born. Silly me thinking well I had cs so vagina is all good to go.
We probably than did 3-4 more times that was extremely painful over the next 10 months. It was over a year and after we had been TTC for a few weeks before Dtd returned to normal. As much as I love Dtd I was looking forward to being pregnant again just to not having to Dtd I needed a break
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