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  1. #1
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    Default Not Knowing (Vent)

    I gotta get this out >_< I'm hoping by saying something the feelings settle!

    I'm due for my morphology scan at the end of the month. I really want to know the gender of the baby, I hate waiting. My husband however, wants to wait until the baby's born.

    We found out the gender of our first-born, even though my husband wanted to wait he agreed that we could find out. We'd "agreed" (as in I agreed but regret it ) that when the time comes for us to have our second child, we'd leave it as a surprise.

    Things weren't so bad at first, the excitement over having a baby was enough to keep me going but now that just about every pregnant person I know has found out what they're having, I'm feeling really upset that I won't get to know if I'm having a boy or a girl.

    It doesn't help that everyone's had their guesses (including MIL who KNOWS we're having a boy), but now I'm finding myself really wanting to have a girl. Heck, I wanted a girl so bad the first time that when the sonographer said "it looks like a boy" I had to ask him to repeat himself! Don't get me wrong, I'd be thrilled to give my son a brother, but I don't want to feel that disappointment when I have the baby already in my arms. I'd rather know sooner so that I can have my little cry, get over it, then be excited (or if by some miracle we have a girl, spend the next few months buying dresses )

    I also really want that bonding opportunity with my husband. I loved him being by my side when we both found out we were having a son, and I want that experience again. It sounds so stupid, but I don't want to give birth, have everyone else have a look and THEN tell me the gender. It sounds stupid cuz I know it all happens within a matter of seconds, but I've honestly convinced myself that those moments make a difference. And what happens if I end up having a c-section? I'm in tears right now just thinking about how long everyone else is gonna know before I do.

    We had financial problems when I was pregnant with DS, everyone else brought things for him (which I'll eternally appreciate). Now that we are financially stable I was so excited to be able to buy things for this baby, but that excitement has been sapped out of me because as much as I'd love to buy that pink outfit, I think it'd just be more painful if we had a boy. I don't even want to buy gender neutral because I'd still have to see all the other non-neutral things I'd love to buy. My god, I'm reading what I've just said and feel so selfish... I've been so hormonal, and have been struggling with depression (that I've had for years), and I feel like I can't talk to anyone because the topic just seems so trivial and silly, and I don't want to upset my husband.

    Everyone on his side of the family insists I wait to find out the gender (his family is HUGE), they were disappointed when we found out the gender of DS. I've wanted to find out the gender and just have only me and my husband know, I couldn't find out and not tell him, I'd be too excited.

    Thanks and congratulations if you've made it this far. This was more of a vent than anything but if you have any insight or advice, or just feel the need to tell me I'm being a selfish idiot; please feel free to post below.

  2. #2
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    I don't think you're being a selfish idiot, it is nice to know the sex beforehand. DH and I found out with our DS and I'm so happy we did as I thought for some reason that I was having a girl so was a bit shocked to find out I was having a boy, but I got used to the idea and I wouldn't have it any other way but I think I would've been more disappointed if I had waited until the birth. Ok so I just re-read that waffle and I just want to say that I agree with you, it is better to find out as I believe you can bond better with the baby also. Have you told your DH how you feel? He might agree to find out if you talk to him.

    Let us know how you get on if you do find out the sex, it's such an exciting time!

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  4. #3
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    I can only imagine how difficult this must be for u.
    I have been very lucky that both my ex DH & my current DH have wanted to find out with all our children what sex the baby was. I really wanted a little girl first but we got a boy, so I was then glad we had found out as it gave me the remainder of the pregnancy to deal with my emotions & then concentrate on bonding with my little man.
    When I was preg with my twins, my now DH really wanted a girl too & being his first babies was happy to find out. He was fairly upset when we heard it was 2 boys.. Needless to say, we were gutted when our last one was again, a boy
    I now have 7 more wks to wait until we find out if we will get lucky on our last baby, our if we are only meant to have boys, but either way, no matter what the gender it will be loved & cherished the same as our other 4. I honestly don't think I could wait until the birth to find out, it would just kill me with curiosity, in the meantime I think I might get the intelligender test & just see what it comes up with.. Might give me some hope.
    Hope u work it out with hubby & don't worry, ur definately not alone with these feelings. I hope in the end u get ur healthy little girl

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  6. #4
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    We didn't find out with either my first pregnancy or this one. DH absolutely did not want to know, and i didn't either (but then i did, then didn't, then did....).

    When my DD was born (i needed assistance), she was placed on my tummy and rubbed down. We admired her for awhile and then DH said 'oh, what is it?'. The midwife said 'have a look yourselves', and we wiggled her around and said 'ooh, it's a girl!' (i was convinced it was a boy during pregnancy). So, for us we were the first to find out, and the first to announce it.

    It was amazing finally finding out! I have never experienced knowing during pregnancy, but not knowing was pretty cool. Like a secret that bub has and you only get to share it when you meet them.

    In saying that, if you feel that you really want to, or need to know, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. You can find out and not tell DH's family if they don't want to know.

    You just have to work it out with your husband, whether you both find out or whether you can find out and keep that secret from him.

    take care

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    I can see where you are coming from, I would hate to go through pregnancy not knowing what I am having, and I am lucky that DH feels the same way. It must be so hard waiting when you really want to know. Have you and your DH talked this through fully or do you think he understands quite how strongly you feel?

    You have time on your side at least, get working on him

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    We weren't going to find out with this pregnancy. I had thought that because I wanted a girl so badly that if we waited until I gave birth I would see my baby and I wouldn't care whether we had a boy or a girl. I was also going to state very clearly nobody TELL me the gender - like I was going to meet baby, smooch, cuddle, feed them love them and THEN have a peek. That way it wouldn't matter because I'd have met my child and it wouldn't matter.

    But the stress of not knowing and wondering and hoping and not wanting to hope and everyone telling me I was having a girl and dreaming about girls names and pink stuff I decided I needed to know. I needed to know & know it would be the same as with jasper, that I'd be disappointed and then I would love my son with all my heart. Or find out Im having a girl and be able to let myself get excited instead of every time I got excited about having a girl feeling like crying.

    So yeah - for the sake of my emotional state df was okay with a compromise. That we find out and not tell anyone.

    ....

    ....

    ..., bahahahahahaha

    ... We've told EVERYONE! Heck he told our neighbours landlord's son like the day we got back from the ultrasound that we were having a baby girl called Isabelle! (and then said it didn't count cos he's from Melbourne - pfft - lucky cos it was about to go announce it on Facebook )

    But he did make me wait a few weeks before sharing the news!

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  12. #7
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    I didn't find out - I really wanted to know at the beginning but as the pregnancy progressed I found myself less focussed on what I was having. I actually found it really easy to bond with DD while pregnant not knowing the gender, I think not knowing meant that I didn't put any expectations or preconceptions on the bub and just enjoyed this little mystery person kicking around in my belly.

    Finding out at the birth was the most memorable part for me

    I hope you come to an agreement with DH that you're happy with. If you think about it, the sonographer will be the first person to know and announce it if you find out at the scan so maybe you and DH would get a better chance of having that for yourselves at the birth? Just a thought.

    ETA - I realize this is not your first child so I'm sure that plays a significant role, just thought I'd share my experience
    Last edited by Cue; 03-01-2012 at 22:14.

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    Thanks for your replies everyone, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

    We've spoken about it in the past, and it always come back to "but you agreed that we'd wait". I try to bring it up subtly but I don't think he's going to change his mind. If he does, he'll probably do the whole "fine you win" kind of thing. I have no idea what it is that makes him want to wait so much. He's a really patient guy... I hate surprises.

    What really rubs the salt into the wound is that everyone in my due group is starting to find out and are planning their gender-specific things... I know not everyone is finding out, but it seems I'm the only one so shattered about it.

    I'm dreading the morphology scan, knowing all I have to do is ask and the answer is mine. I wish I didn't ask my husband to come, but it's an experience to share... I want him to be happy. I just wish he wanted to know

    Thanks for your support guys, good to have someone on my side

  15. #9
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    Can you when you call request they write it? Or perhaps after the appt go back with the guise of having forgotten something and ask them?? Sometimes bub shares anyway and you can't miss it dp can't blame you for that

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  17. #10
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    Witwicky is offline A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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    Is there any reason you aren't allowed to know? Can't you find out and it can still be a surprise for him?

    With DS2, FOB didn't want to know the gender, but there was no way I wasn't finding out (it's something I HAVE to know!). We did the scan, and then he left the room while the sonographer told me the gender. I was sworn to secrecy, I even had to promise that I would hide all gender specific baby clothes after purchasing them. It lasted an entire 10 minutes before he was begging me to tell him

    Anyway, the point is that if you want to find out, you should. Who cares if you promised that you wouldn't in the past. We all change our minds! Especially hormonal pregnant women

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