My hubby and I recieved the dread results from an amniocentesis test that confirmed our little miracle had down syndrome.
while we both agree that termination is the best option - not just for the well-being and quality of life for the child, but also for ours (as selfish as this may sound) in how it would affect us emotionally, financially & mentally in raising a child with a disability.
Deep down we know its the right thing to do but it doesnt take the sorrow and guilt away.
Its something that we do not feel we can share with our family or friends as it was difficult enough to come to this decision without the worry of being judged for making this choice. I dont think I could handle being told I've made the wrong choice and I know a part of me will always wonder if I really am doing the right thing.
the worst part is that I will need to deliver the baby at 19 weeks in a few days and the thought of this process alone is overwhelming.
just wondering if there is anyone out there who has been thru this and knows much about the process? My biggest fear is that the baby will suffer - although I've already given it a death sentence I'd really hate to think it would be in any form of pain from the process.
I dont know if I could handle seeing it to say goodbye, or knowing what gender it was...
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03-01-2012 13:43 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
Termination at 19 weeks due to T21
03-01-2012 13:48 #2
I went through something very similar and I suggest you get counselling to help you through the process.
We held and named our baby, although not the right decision for some, I couldn't live with not knowing.
Wishing you much strength.
03-01-2012 13:56 #3
Hi Instabella, I have never been through what you're going through, so I am obviously in no possition to give advice. I just wanted to send you big hugs and support through this difficult time. It can't have been an easy decision, I can only imagine the inner strength and bravery it must have took to make this decision for your family.
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03-01-2012 14:24 #4
Oh gosh! What an awful thing to have to go through!
I truly empathise with you, I am facing potentially that exact same scenario too! I have my amnio next week & my partner & I have decided that we will follow the same path for the same reasons as you have if the baby has T21 (or T18 or 13).
I understand this is a massive decision, particularly if you are older (I'm 39 & this is our 1st child, so time is short for me to 'get it right' so to speak).
Definitely have counselling, although I can't give advise on whether to 'meet' your baby, my feelings personally are not too, at the moment. However I think this might be a bad decision if the moment actually comes, so of course I am hoping upon hope that I don't have to make that decision.
As far as telling your family, that's one I am hoping not to have to decide either, however I did have the thought that perhaps if it came to it I would tell a little white lie and say the baby had T18 or T13, both of which are really not compatible with life.
My reasoning for this is not so much to protect myself from judgement, as I am comfortable with the decision, but to protect my family from having to justify my decision to others.
Wishing you & your hubby so much strength during this awful time.
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05-01-2012 07:36 #5
I cant leave without replying you though i have never been through this.But one thing i know the moment you know that you are pregnent your motherly feeling n motherly love rises irrespective whether you have your child in your hands or inside your womb.And this us the greatest grief for a mother to bid goodbye to her child.My thoughts are with you n you will be in my prayers dear.you are doing the right thing coz as a mother you cant see your child in pain...an endless suffering if u decide to go on with this pregnancy.Be strong n hold your baby in your hands and bid him/her farewell.Big hugs to you sweety...
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05-01-2012 09:06 #6
Hi, I just wanna say I'm incredibly sorry your going through this. Although I haven't been in this situation I gave birth to my stillborn son at 20 weeks. I know its a different situation, but a similar gestation. Before I gave birth to my son I decided I wanted to hold him, and have photos with him. I know its not for everyone, and I also know people who have been through similar and decided not to and later regretted it. I'm not saying do this or do that. Have you thought about maybe taking a camera even if you don't wanna see or hold your baby, you could ask the midwives to write down the sex of the baby the weight and other details and get them to put it in an envelop, they could also take some photos for you of your baby without you having to see and you could just keep the memory card that has the pics and the envelope together in a safe place incase you ever decide you do want to know and see. The medical staff are extremely helpful. If you have any questions or anything feel free to pm me, I wish you all the best.
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05-01-2012 09:26 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
My goodness what a tough situation. Like you i would have terminated if the results cam e back positive. Firty id like to comend you on making and sticking to a really tough decision.
As for the whole teling your family...dont feel bad about that. It is a very tough situation and if you think you will get something other that support, dont tell them. You dont need it. Theres alway later on that you can tell them if you need to.
I dont know about delivering a still born but i really like the idea of getting the midwives to take a photo and write stuff sown for you so you can look at it when your feeling stronger.
Keep your partner close, he will be your most important person while this is happening.
Good luck and be strong..you clearly already are!!
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12-01-2012 16:25 #8Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
hi everyone thank you for your messages of support it means a lot to me.
my beautiful baby is now in heaven and it has been a difficult week but my hubby and my family have been amazingly supportive.
the procedure is a process you would not wish on your worst enemy but the hospital and midwives took a lot of care of me. the labour was so painful - both physically and mentally knowing this was going to be the end for my baby.
right up until the labour i still had no wishes to see my baby but once she was born i needed to see her. up to that point i didnt know her gender, and seeing her made it so real - before she was born, all she was, was a photo on a ultrasound and a lump on my belly and now there was this precious baby in my arms.
i have no other children and nothing will ever take away the shame i will always feel for choosing this path for my baby.. even though i know it was the right thing to do, there will always be that dissapointment in myself. i just hope and pray that she did not suffer (the nurses said she would not) but i just hope this is true.
each day i go through waves of absolute saddness and a lot of what ifs. Like what if the amino was wrong, what if the results were mixed up, what if i let her live and she was ok. i wanted some sort of sign to show i made the right choice. but there is none. everything in the ultrasound was normal apart from the T21 risk and results from the amino. I dread i will recieve a call one day from the doc where they say they got it wrong.
Although i am not one totally religious, if she is in heaven I wonder if is she angry with me? id never dare ask forgiveness but i will spend my life letting her know she is and will always be my daughter and i love her so much.
dying has always been something ive been a bit scared of, but now its something i wouldnt say i am looking forward to but rather living with the hope that i will get to be with her again although i dont think i deserve to go to heaven.
i chose to tell my parents the real reason for her death (termination due to T21), and the rest of my friends and family that we just lost her due to miscarriage. my parents were amazing and supported me and said they would have done the same. my friends are all asking why and how and that it is so unfair.
for anyone in a situation like my own.. everyone is different but from my experience it was so important to see and hold my baby. i couldnt bare to bath or cloth her but i watched the mid wife take care of her and dress her and she slept in my room that night. she was so perfect not a thing wrong with her - 10 fingers 10 toes, perfectly formed and so tiny.
the mid wife took photos and hand and foot prints and the hardest part was leaving the hospital the next morning. leaving her behind. i walked out of the hospital shattered and crying.
the past few days i really miss feeling her kicking and waking me up at night. i miss her so much. i dont want to try again for another baby. i just want her.
my baby is at the morgue and its hard not to think of her lying there in the cold. ive arranged her cremation which white lady funerals will collect her from the hospital and send her to the crematorium, then my husband and i will scatter her ashes at a place we both love. we will not have a service for her. i wrote a poem for the white ladies to read to her. the hospital offer to take care of everything if you do not wish to do this.
for anyone who has to go through this one thing i can say is dont rush your time. i miss my baby so much and wished i could hold her one last time. it was so hard to leave her at the hospital. its so important you and your partner both agree on things - and if you dont, then talk it over until you can work something out. my hubby didnt want to see the baby, but when i changed my mind and said i wanted to, i told him he could leave the room, but he said he will stay. later on he said he was glad he stayed and had the chance to see her. he's been my rock and strength.
if anyone has any questions feel free to message me.
RIP to all the little angels out there.
12-01-2012 16:37 #9
Instabella my heart and thoughts go out to you while u still go through this journey. I could read with out posting. Xoxo
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12-01-2012 16:43 #10
This has bought tears to my eyes. I am thinking of you and sending you prayers even though I'm
Not religious xxxx
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