Where do I go from here? Advice needed!

[Lyma]

Hi - i've been following bubhub since i was first pregnant with my now 12 month old and i know it is a great place to get some advice and support. This is the 1st time i've posted (on any forum for that matter), so sorry if it's a bit all over the place! I'm not even sure where to start?! But here goes.

DP and i have been together for nearly 8 years and we had our gourgeous baby boy a year ago. But the problem is- i am miserable. We disagree and fight all the time- over nothing. He is very hard to talk to especially about emotional issues and our relationship- he tends to turn any issues i have back onto me and somehow it ends up being my fault or my problem. So i tend to bottle everything up. There is no affection. And when we were first together our sex life was awesome - now its next to nothing (not by my choice). And now on top of that i have recently found an internet site he has looked up on numerous occasions (along with lots of other pron sites) which is for finding casual s3x in your local area. When i opened the page it came up straight away on the area
we live in. That made me sick to my stomach. As much as i want to I havent confronted him about it yet because i dont know if he has a profile on it or if he has actually made the move to meet anyone on it. I know he would deny it if i
asked- and then i would never know the truth. But i just dont know how to find
out for sure myself?? I dont know why you would look on a site like that unless
u were actually looking at cheating?? I'm confused and hurt that he has even looked this site up and i really dont know what to think or do. Our relationship has been a rocky one for a while now anyway but i would be willing to work on it and try and salvage it because it was great once. But since finding this site i just dont know because i would without a doubt leave him if i found out he was hooking up for casual s3x!!! Yuk!

Sorry i know there has been few threads on cheating etc lately, but i dont know where else to turn. I dont really have many friends (except those i know through him) cos im so shy ( i even feel strange asking for help on here and its annonymous!!!). Thanks for reading and any advice would b really appreciated.

[rae81]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I couldn't read without sending you a hug. I'm sure that someone will have some helpful advice for you from their own experiences. In the meantime is there someone you can talk to, even if it's a help line, to talk through how you are feeling. It's horrible to feel miserable and to discover the computer history will make you more miserable. Lots of hugs.


Sent from my iPad so pardon the errors!

[LibranTwin]

Oh that sucks, I'm sorry big hugs to you.

I'm not sure what I would do, I guess to really know I would have to be in your shoes. I think you need to talk to him and then depending on his response take it from there. Counselling would probably be the next step.

It's tough, I would be so upset if my DH was checking out those sites. I don't think I would be able to trust him.

[waterlily]

I think you need to talk to him. Because how else will you know?

Usually when confronted with something like that it will make a guilty person very irrational and angry, he may also turn it back on you about invading his privacy or "spying". You need to really try and figure out by his response and how he reacts/hand the situation to see if he is telling the truth. Then talk about counseling.

I really am no expert but I have always been able to tell when a partner has been lying to me. Follow your instincts.

If you want to fight for your marriage he needs to be honest and you should absolutely seek professional help.

best of luck hun.

[laurea]

Oh hun i'm so sorry to hear you aren't happy

Can i ask how and when it all went down hill? Do you remember the point when it all changed?

I would start to try to work out what happened before i think about how to get things back to how they were. You mentioned the lack of sex is not your choice. Can i ask is it a case of you wanting to and him rejecting you?

No affection is very hard to deal with i don't know how some people stay in realtionships where you don't even kiss any more- i have been there and it's crushing. You must be feeling pretty alone due to his lack of affection

If it is a case of him pushing you away when you approach him sexually or with affection then i guess after what you've written about the web site i would be concerned about the possibility of someone else.

In any case like others have suggested i would say talk to him- except that by your description he is very diffcult to talk to. Which i also understand - i know exactly what you mean.
Even when you try to see things his way when he blames you for feeling sad because of something he has done or hasn't done, internalizing it doesn't help- because it's most likely not you and you end up feeling bad not only for the orignal reason but you feel bad for feeling bad it's horrible .
You want it to work for you both to be happy and i bet you wish it was as simple as it being something you need to change- because you are willing to do that.

Problem is, if he's deflecting everything back onto you then it doesn't sound like he's terribly interested in making an effort. That's the tricky part. To suggest anything else i would need more background information i suppose and i don't know if you're comfortable divulging anything more.

I guess i'd want to know what he seems to think the problem is between you two or is it a case of him making you feel crazy by saying nothing is wrong even though something clearly is and that you are unhappy because whatever your concern is 'is all in your head' ?

[Lyma]

Thank you all so much for your replies! It has been a really lonely place to be in for a while now. The only support i have really is my parents and they know things arent good- but im not about to tell them about the internet sites!! I really should just confront him i know. Im just not sure id be able to tell if he's lying. Its hard to explain but i think he is a good manipulator. He is a hard one to explain. Things have definately gotten worse since the first time i saw that particular site in the browsing history (i dont care so much about pron)- but a casual hook up site WTF?! Ever since then i have had this anger building up- and he doesnt know where its coming from cos i havent told him. And now i am suspiscious of everything - like getting home extra late from work or keeping his phone on him all the time. Im driving myself mad. I know having no trust is a really bad sign.

[rae81]

It sounds like for your own piece of mind you need to know what is going on before you can resolve anything with him. I hope it works out the way you want. If you need to vent we are here to listen. Big hugs. Hope you get some sleep tonight.


Sent from my iPad so pardon the errors!

[Lyma]

Thanks for your reply Laurea- u seem to really understand where im coming from! I started to type out a proper response to your post but just cant think right now im so tired! So i'll try again tommorrow.

[Lyma]

Thanks Rae-81. Yeh i think its time to get everything out in the open. Can only be miserable for so long before things have to change.