I experienced a similar feeling towards my previous long term boyfriend (before getting married). It felt like we were just flat mates. I felt really guilty bringing it up to him, because he hadn't actually done anything wrong - we still got along well etc, but there was no spark, no intimacy. I think humans crave intimacy with other humans, which is one of the reasons we tend to partner up as opposed to living solo.
My ex and I went our separate ways BUT we had no children in the picture, we weren't married, we didn't have a house together - it was easy to walk away. In your situation there is more at stake. It's very normal for couples to drift apart and back together throughout marriage...it would be lovely to constantly live in the 'honeymoon phase', where you get tingly thinking about the other person, and where you have sex five times a day...but it doesn't work like that! Marriage is hard work! Throw a baby into the mix, and it's even harder still (pp is absolutely right about relationship dynamics changing once children come along).
So...it sounds like you need to reignite the flame. I would suggest engaging with a marriage counsellor as soon as possible. I would suggest each of you doing things apart from the other during the week, so that you have an opportunity to actually miss each other, and I would definitely without a doubt suggest date nights
Sending many hugs
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02-01-2012 10:50 #11
Last edited by Witwicky; 02-01-2012 at 10:53.
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02-01-2012 11:03 #12Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
I'm so sorry to hear this. My husband and I had this conversation a few days ago. I've found two kids that don't sleep/eat well a bit of a struggle. We've had a few conversations since our baby was born 18 months ago about how things are not going well, and that he wants me to put more time into 'us'. So this week I made time and proposed we dtd for the first time in ages, and he responded by telling me that he has accepted we are just housemates raising children together, and that he doesn't want to go down the path of trying to get things back. Needless to say I did not feel like putting out after that.
I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know you are not the only one. I am not sure what I want to do, but I know I don't want to tell my 3yo we won't be together anymore, so I guess we will continue to be housemates unless I summon the courage to do anything else.
Take care of yourself. And give your baby lots of cuddles, that always helps me feel better.
02-01-2012 11:13 #13
Dh and I have been together for 19 years and we had dry spells where we have felt like that.
Things that we did to help us were as follows
We made the decision that our marriage was for life. The only escape clause was abuse.
We made the decision to make our marriage a priority.
We arranged date nights. Now we didn't have a baby sitter so our date nights had to be after bub went to bed and in our own home. We unplugged the phone, t.v., computer etc... and spent time together. Sometimes it was a candlelight dinner, sometimes it was pizza and video on lounge floor, Sometimes it was a romantic dinner serve in my lingerie, a picnic in our backyard. The only rules were we were alone and we talked.
We did little extra for each other to tell each love one other eg one day dh put the mixed spice in my undies drawer with a little note saying he spicing up our lives, today he came home with fruit toast without me asking because he noticed I am craving it but i felt like we couldn't really afford it. It was his way of saying I love you.
take time to notice things he does do for you and ask him to do the same.
Pm me anytime. I have to go and get the kids ice cream before it melts all over my lap.
02-01-2012 11:51 #14
I don't have kids, so my situation is a bit different to yours, but my DH and I have been through the same thing. We've been together 9 years and been married 3.
When we went through this, it was because i leave the house at 6.30am, we both work very hard, exercise straight from work and both only walk in the door after 8pm. Then throw in we both travel interstate for work quite a bit, sometimes it's only every fortnight we are in the same state.
To overcome our issue, we had to promise to make more time for each other. We don't exercise on Wednesdays, that that the night we have at home together. We sit down at the dining table with the tv off and have dinner together. When we can avoid it, we try not to be away for work on Wednesday. We also have a date night every second Friday. We also promised each that not matter how busy we are, we should make the time to have a pash and a cuddle everyday. This naturally has meant we DTD more, it's funny how a nice pash can get me in the mood!!
We got over it fine and feels that we are more intimate with each other now. If we feel like we are falling in that trap again, we stop and address it. It's hard to talk about, but we know we have to be honest with each other about it.
We are 12 months into our TTC journey and that's been tough on our relationship, but I feel because we have the things in place to keep the communication lines and intimacy there, we can always get through those bumps in our relationship. In the end, we love each other to bits and couldn't image our lives without each other. We just have to remind each other of that sometimes.
I know my situation is different from yours having a baby, but I hope that helps. good luck.
02-01-2012 11:57 #15
I think focus on the positive that he has suggested counselling so he is prepared to make this work!!!
This happens all the time in marriages other things babys, work etc take the lead and we forget to put that time into our otherhalf!
While he is away do something for yourself, go get your hair done or something
As others have suggested date nights with no TV etc, talking about what you enjoyed in your day about each other, things that might have annoyed you
This isn't the end, it's just a bump I'm the road and I believe you can get through this!!!
Stay positive!! Good luck!
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02-01-2012 15:57 #16Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2010
Thanks to all who have replied. To those who have experienced or are going through this now, it is such an awful feeling. I can see how difficult it would be from the other side too.
An update, he left home this morning and I haven't heard from him. I have no idea where he went, he told me he was just going to drive. I can't help but worry. I feel I really need to tell someone IRL but my family all love him. I hope he sees what he will be missing out on and comes to his senses.
02-01-2012 17:28 #17
02-01-2012 18:02 #18
I hope he comes to his senses too and fights for your marriage.
02-01-2012 18:04 #19
I love hearing about marriages like yours Your DH with the fruit toast is completely adorable and just goes to show you don't ness need to make grand gestures to show your love it can be as simple and sweet as fruit toast. I'm all gushy for you after reading that
02-01-2012 20:55 #20
That's just beautiful Loving6
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