My MIL had 20 years practice being a MIL before I married her son.
DH is her precious baby and will often be found snuggled up in bed with her or having cuddles on the couch.
She's never intruded in our relationship and I know DH is an excellent buffer.
DHs cousin doesn't like how her MIL treats her kids differently from her daughters kids, but I think generally a grandmothers relationship with her daughters kids is easier as she has the freedom you get with your own kids, I'd be very annoyed if MIL took my kids without asking, but not so much if my mother did. It's a different relationship.
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31-12-2011 08:11 #21
31-12-2011 08:43 #22
My first MIL was totally an overbearing and interfering MIL. She would complain about how interfering her MIL was but then do the same to me. My first DH was no angel but in his mother's eyes he could walk on water and his sister used to get largely overlooked. She definitely felt that she knew her son better than anyone and that she was the most important person in his life. I was constantly having to buffer between late DH and his mother as I felt it was important to maintain their relationship. However he was constantly rebelling against her (which she would unfairly blame on me).
When he died we were in the process of planning to move from the country town we lived in to a bigger regional centre about an hour away. We were just waiting to hear if I had gotten a great job near there (which I was offered 2 weeks after he died). She went around at his funeral telling everyone that he was going to kick me out and stay because he would never leave her. Yeah right lady!
After he died she became a real nightmare as she could not accept that the most important females in his life were me and his daughter. She wanted to be the last one to see him, she tried muscle in on the identification process and went and arranged the funeral without consulting me (I got told after the fact) and had to try to salvage it as best as I could but he still never got the funeral he would have wanted, it reflected her not him. Finally, first MIL appealed the estate not once but twice and basically made it very difficult. I moved interstate two months after he died and have not spoken or seen her since the estate was finalized which was around the second anniversary of his death and I do not miss her insecure and domineering demeanor telling me that I did not know my husband (who I had been with since I was 14 years old). I knew him better than her as he only told her what he wanted her to know.
A few years later when I met my now DH I was very reluctant to meet his family after the scars of my first inlaws and that is a great regret of mine. DH's mother was the most beautiful, supportive and kind soul that embraced me as part of her family from the beginning.
Unlike MIL #1 she adored her son but loved and recognized him warts and all and knew when he needed to be told to pull his head in and when we broke up for a couple of months she told him to get me back as I was exactly what he needed. She supported our relationship 100% and never intruded, made negative comments and totally respected that I was his wife. Unfortunately she died 18 months after we married.
So I have had a dose of both types of MILs so I know it's possible to get a good one (if only for a brief moment in time). So now I am the mother of a son I only hope I can be like MIL #2 when the time comes.
31-12-2011 08:46 #23
Davally; that's all very sad, im sorry u had to go through all of that, and for your losses.
31-12-2011 09:06 #24
My husband loves Garth brooks... In one of his songs he sings " blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than all"
I remind DH of this every time mil tries to pull one of her stunts.
I have made DH put her in her place before & I am not afraid of making him do it again.
I have known my DH for 12 years, ok I wasn't there when he took his first steps or said his first word, but I can assure u that I know him better than he knows himself most days.
(I have a lot of frustration towards mil ATM as she is here visiting, thankfully after been put in her place last time we saw each other she checked into a motel)
31-12-2011 09:23 #25
There was - but more so with DH's grandmother. MIL was a bit kooky crazy but neither of them are in our lives anymore so we don't have to worry.
But when they were they did my head in. There's a line between wanting to be involved in the life of your child and grandchildren (great grandchildren) and then there's becoming a dictator and demanding things goes your way.
I look at it from a different angle now and while I still don't think they deserve any part of our life whatsoever, I know its their own doing and not that I'm an evil DIL who took their precious baby boy away. *sigh*
31-12-2011 09:37 #26Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Northern Beaches, Sydney
My MIL doesn't like me and it used to upset me until I learnt why. Her dh ran away with a brown skinned woman. I have brown skin and I am with her son. Unless she went to counselling nothing will ever change. I can live with that. She thinks the sun shines out of my dh's butt which is fine- she can have that belief. I think my ds has sun rays coming from his! Apart from her racism (and her lack of warmth towards ds) I can ignore the rest but I do pull her up if she says racist things in my home. I just say 'I appreciate you keeping those attitudes away from my son'. MIL lives in a different country so I only have her here for 2 weeks each year. She comments on my home and how my oven is always grubby, how her son works so hard for us (yes he does and that's fantastic. I work hard too but it's not necessary for you to notice that because I get my self esteem from within). I go out of my way for her when she is around but its because I want her son to be happy not so much her. I actually find it a shame that she doesn't like me. She has great taste in fashion, she's intelligent, quite witty etc. I think she would make quite a nice mate/MIL.
31-12-2011 11:07 #27Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
It is indeed a struggle to put up with her, but there is no power struggle. The only power I need is autonomy and that is a gift I give to myself.
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31-12-2011 11:19 #28
31-12-2011 13:46 #29
I don't think I'd mind too much if MIL tried to be kind of motherly to me... but she doesn't. She just tries to be bossy. It's the way she mothers DP (by telling him what to do - not suggests, but tells) but not how she mothers her daughters. I don't expect to be treated the same way she treats them - they're her kids, I'm not... but it can kinda suck when you see her backing off with them and letting them do what they want, but TELLING DP and I what we should be doing (how I raise DD is the one that annoys me most - DD's not even related to her, and she doesn't treat DD as if she was... she treats DD quite differently to her grandchildren).
I know it's not just me hating MILs straight-out regardless of how they are though - the ex's mother adores me and treats me the same as she would if I was her daughter... she is a bit smothering and a bit of a ditz, so can be irritating, but she's full of love and praise... not criticism and orders.
31-12-2011 14:06 #30
My FIL and DP are very close. FIL always likes to have his say on things but he wont push it. He will always take into account mine and DP's opinions and if we dont agree with what he is saying, it doesnt bother him.
I think he just likes to "participate" in DP's life, he offers advice and its up to us to take it or if we agree.
Ive noticed since me and DP have been together he has taken a step back out of DP's life. He used to lecture DP on things but now he mentions that "this isnt a good idea or maybe you should think about it" and is happy to drop it.
MIL isnt really an issue because she is slack and we hear from her once every 6ish months. DP gave up trying with her so we get a random message every now and then. Oh and she rang on christmas day.
It annoys me that when we do go see her, she makes all these fake plans and tells me how when this baby comes i wont be able to get rid of her blah blah blah...
She wont make an effort. She never made an effort with her own kids so i doubt she would for her grandkids. When i first met DP, i though she was dead or something because no one ever mentioned her... i never brought it up, till one day DP, his brother and dad were being idiots and acting all shocked because DP got a text of her. DP's brother refuses to speak to her at all.
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