I haven't posted on this site for some time but am searching for some advice and thoughts about long term relationships.
My question is would you stay in a long term relationship if you are never going to move in together and get married because your partner cannot tollerate something about you? It would mean a big change that would take a long time to do and I don't know that I can change to that extent.
The situation is:
I have been dating for 2.5 yrs and the last 9 months of so have felt the relationship isn't going anywhere, that is not moving towards moving in together or anything like that. He has no kids and I have one.
Finally after alot of unhappiness I found the courage to discuss it as I am not good with confrontation and we don't have the best communication.
I am a bit of a hoarder and my house has clutter he is the opposite minimalistic and neat. He will not consider getting a place together because of this. I am trying to change but is is hard work and taking me a very long time to let go of possessions. I also like to buy and sell stuff.
He says I come across as on edge and not very cheerful I would say this is because of my house and my inability to get it sorted out.
Hence for my questions above.
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30-12-2011 00:10 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
When someone can't tollerate the way you are - long term relationships
30-12-2011 00:29 #2love my kidlets
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
honestly i'd leave.. but its easy for me to sit here and say that.
i just think there is nothing keeping you there, no kids together, no house together and it sounds like he's making excuses
30-12-2011 08:22 #3
30-12-2011 08:38 #4
I hope you dont mind me answering as I am not a single person - I don't normally post in this section. Pls feel free to ask me to remove post if you want.
Ok, so my thoughts
I would generally say that if you don't have a future that works for both of you, then there isn't much point.
But, then I guess it depends on the issues at hand. Do you think you are a hoarder? Do you think that there is behaviour you want to modify for YOU? If so, then yeh I think you should work on it. (I know nothing about hoarding other then what I have seen on the TV shows) But it seems to be a proper medical/physcological condition that expresses itself through hoarding. I have anxiety and it has impacted on my relationship in the past. I ended up at a councellor because I didn't want it holding me back anymore. It was hard work but in the end it gave me the tools to manage my life better and be more free adn more calm. In turn, that improved my relationship.
So I guess in short I am saying if you think your hoarding is a problem, get help for it for yourself and try to work through things.
If you are happy with your life as it is and are just feel obligied to change it to keep your partner, then I don't think thats a great idea.
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30-12-2011 08:38 #5
But in saying that, obviously you value the relationship otherwise you wouldn't be here asking others what we would do.
What would I do? Either Ed the relationship and find love with someone who accepts me...
Have another chat with him about where the relationship is headed. It might be worth while to start seeing a counsellor or therapist to help you with your issues with hoarding and possession value distortion.
Maybe he will see you are working on it and change his mind... And if not, at least YOU are getting the help and dealing with your issues.
Hoarding is truly heartbreaking for everyone involved, not just because of the "stuff" but because of the value placed on items seemingly over people.
* I hope you don't mind me posting in this section
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30-12-2011 09:01 #6
Do you think you have an actual hoarding problem?
Or do you think maybe your house over time has become so cluttered that the job to sort it out is overwhelming? And you don't know where to start?
Has he tried to help you at all? Has he addressed the issue? Or is it just "your house it cluttered Im not moving in"?
In one way I can understand him because for me that would be a nightmare however if I loved that person I would try and help them as best as I can.
Can you maybe buy a storage system and put it in the garage, can he help you start cleaning it out?
30-12-2011 09:17 #7
My first thought in any relationship they should love you for you....and you are made up of all your good parts and your faults no one is perfect. If they need you to change to suit them then it's not you they love it's the thought of what you could be in their minds eye.
What if you were bed ridden being sick would he stay then to look after you? Can he see past the possessions to the person you are?
If it was me I would call the relationship off so I could decide if I wanted to change things about myself for me without any added pressure. As you can never change a habit for someone else it just doesn't work!!
That way you can take your time deciding if you like your life and habits for you or if maybe the other person just highlighted something you need to seek help with 'hoarding' but you need time to find the happy balanced you without the thought that you are just doing it to please someone else.
If they do love you they will wait for you to sort out what you need to without the pressure for you to change. But don't take them for granted either.
Bottom line is if I couldn't live with my mate I would call it a friendship rather than a relationship as we both need to be able to depend on each other no mater what life throws at us.
Mother of two teens ttc #3 <3
30-12-2011 18:55 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
Thanks I value all posts, just didn't know where I should put my thread.
It is something I want to change, I am no where near those TV shows. My garage has a lot of junk and so does my spare room and most of my cupboards are full and disorganised. I find it overwhelming to deal with even though I am concious of it and taking things to the opshop etc.
I already learnt from being married you can't change someone unless they do it for themselves. I do want to do it but not sure how long it will take me. Most of my living spaces are reasonably presentable it is the unseen!
31-12-2011 13:13 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
Personally I could not move in with someone who hoards I am like things cleans neat and organized like a display home I would go crazy living with piles of stufff anywhere I can't sleep when things are out of place so but I have gotten better but an anal and a hoarder can never work you would come home one day with everything gone dh keeps his favorite keepsakes in the garage so I won't chuck it out.
So would you freak out if he cleaned up your place?
02-01-2012 22:15 #10
I would suggest if you want to sort your stuff out make a date of it. As in set aside some time or an arvo just for sorting (I do this about once a year) then go one cupboard at a time with a big box for giving away and pop in anything you have extras of or haven't used in ages no mater how handy they maybe 'one day'.
I tend to do this with the music turned up and have some fun singing while I work even if no one else thinks it's singing lol. If it's no longer a job it's much easier to do
Mother of two teens ttc #3
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