I wouldn't be happy about that at all. I guess I would be working hard on my mother/daughter relationship and making 1 to 1 time where possible, even if its just a hot chocolate and a natter and the focus would be for her to trust me as a mum. Building and holding her trust is really important. I would also be looking at all the older kids responsibilities around the house and trying to pull them all in as a tight knit group. Have some agreed 'contracts' (rules) that they can all help decide on and set.
I would be having a word to his parents (assuming he is the same age) and let them know that she was invited to his bed at 11pm. Let them know some of your concerns and let them know you feel your daughter is 50% responsible for her part.
I don't envy you. Its a difficult time for you!
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18-12-2011 21:41 #11Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Northern Beaches, Sydney
18-12-2011 21:49 #12
Sorry I can't help more.
Last edited by Mod-biscotti; 18-12-2011 at 21:53.
18-12-2011 22:47 #13
Ok spilling a few secrets from my own experiences here, from when I was about the same age.
Firstly, she needs to know that you love her. I'm not suggesting you don't show her, but at that age you just can't hear it enough. Also, I think for me I sought A LOT of attention from boys as I never really got that much from Dad (to be fair he was working really hard). Make sure you hug her and give lots of affection, I hardly remember getting any at all from mum and never any from dad as a teen, and help her self confidence by pointing out her good points, I think that's why I also went for the boys like crazy!
Secondly TEENAGERS LIE! How do you know if a teenager is lying? THEIR LIPS ARE MOVING!
If she says she is going to a girlfriends place, call the girlfriends mum and ask. Mum and Dad had no idea what I was ever really up to, as a girl friend and I would both say we were at each others houses while we were really out at parties getting drunk (oh the shame!) And drive her there yourself too.
Be honest about sex, it's uncomfortable to talk about but it's something mum never did with me. I still don't know if Mum was a virgin when she got married, and mum and dad never talk about sex, even now that we are all grown up.
But I'll be sure to tell my kids that I wish I'd waited til I met their father, and I truly do, or at least until I was really in love.
If you talk about your experiences to your children I think it gets etched in their memory (mum always said she hates driving on gravel roads due to a near fatal accident they had once, so I hate gravel roads too, although have rarely driven on them, IYKWIM).
If she wants to "date" boys, I would consider letting her do so as long as it's an official date scenario, otherwise she will try to do it behind your back regardless. Like dropping her off so that they can go to the movies or shopping centre.
I don't think sleep overs are a good idea at all until much much older. I was allowed to stay at my boyfriends house at 15, and although his parents where always there, teenagers get themselves into all sorts of sticky situations and we all forget just how quick teenage sex is! It can happen as easily as you going off for a shower at no stretch of the imagination.
Definitely talk to her school, kids wag school and have sex in places you would not even like to consider. Down by the river was a hot spot at our school, or even in the photography room which you could hire out at lunch time.
So your best bet is really to talk to her about sex, ask her why she wants to have sex with him and answer all her questions. Condoms are a great idea but most teenage girls do not have the confidence to insist that a guy wear them, they just want him to "like" them.. and condoms aren't "cool". Teenagers believe they are bullet proof and it just won't happen to them.
I think if she has told someone she was pregnant she is really calling out for attention... I think you need to act fast. Maybe see if you can go away for a night with her even just the two of you to the movies. Most of all when you set rules make sure she understands it's because you love her, listen to her when she says it's not fair and you're only doing it cas you hate her, but then respond and say it's because you love her and it's your job as a parent to protect her. If you weren't doing that you would not be a good parent.
It's a hard one, but I know when my parents got too strict with me I looked at moving out with BF at the time, I was only 16 but we had everything lined up. My BF was 18 and able to rent an apartment, and centrelink gives teens far too much benefit of the doubt (well did back then). Thank god we broke up and I stayed at home!
I hope some of this helps, I really regret my past, as I didn't "settle down" until I finished uni and started full time work at 22, and If I can stop one more girl going down that path, I'm happy too.
Please PM me if you want me to write to her and let her know what it is I really regret, too much to spill publicly! (I'll try to retain Some respect around here!) and perhaps if she hears it from someone who has been there, she might just listen...
18-12-2011 22:49 #14
At 13 I was doing exactly what your daughter is doing.
The reason I did it was that I had absolutely no self-respect, no self-esteem and no self-love.
I'm not saying this is what your daughter is going through, but please don't be harsh with her, just talk to her, make sure she knows she is being heard and make sure you let her know you love her.
Last edited by sjay; 18-01-2012 at 11:34. Reason: Just removed the personal stuff :)
18-12-2011 22:58 #15
The pregnancy claim could be attention seeking...or more.
My husband's brother got a new girlfriend, who couldn't stop talking about pregnancy, and babies, and having babies, and being pregnant, and parenting, and how easy it is to forget to take a pill. We all ignored it....less than a year later she's knocked up and still in her teens.
Your daughter could WANT to have a baby.
In light of that, get her professional help. A teenage psychologist could do her a world of good.
18-12-2011 23:00 #16
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