DH and I have 2 beautiful sons. I already know that I would love a 3rd child as I really, really want a girl. I would also be happy with another boy. DH is adamant he doesn't want anymore kids. How do I deal with this??? I'm from a large family and DH is one of 2 kids so he has been brought up in a different environment.
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18-12-2011 11:57 #1
What do you do when you desperately want another child but your partner doesn't?
18-12-2011 12:12 #2
It's a really hard one. Either way someone is going to feel ripped off. All I can say is that your youngest is still a newborn and he may change his mind. I wanted a 3rd for some time and discussed it with DH who said he thought 2 was enough. So I tried to let it go and accept we wouldn't have the 3rd. But the yearning wouldn't go away. About 6 months ago I broke down crying to DH how much I wanted another but I hadn't said much bc I didn't want him to feel pressured.... and he looked at me and said ok, we'll let have another! and so here we are ttc
So I would give it time. Let the subject rest for 6-12 months when your youngest is past the night needs and newborn stage and he may well change his mind
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18-12-2011 15:38 #3
I was in the same boat. Except we only had 1. I didn't feel the urge for more until our DD was about 2, even though I knew I wanted more eventually. It took 4 years until he eventually decided he was ready. I had pleaded my case over the years, I put my case forward, he put his forward and we both understood each others reasoning. I also explained that I was nearing the age my mum went into menapause (30ish). I resigned myself to the fact we wouldnt have any more and then one day a year or so later he surprised me and told me we could start trying... Our second is due in almost 8 weeks. I am happy we get to have a second child, but I had gotten used to the idea of only having 1. If you want to try for a 3rd I really think you both need to be on the same page. I know people (males) who have had more for the sake of the other partner and all they do is argue and quietly resent said child.
Its a blessing to have 1 child when others cant have even that. To have 2 is a miracle in itself to some. If he REALLY doesnt want any more then you may have to hang on to the thought that you are one of the luckiest people in the world to experience parenthood.
My suggestion would also be to give it 6 months to a year or so, put your best case forward and hope for the best.
18-12-2011 17:03 #4-
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
I was in the same boat too. We had agreed on 2 and I thought I was happy with the decision, until our 2nd baby was about 16 months old and I just didn't feel like our family was complete. After raising the subject every now and then, my DP eventually agreed, which was a huge surprise.
Has your DH mentioned his reasons?
For my DP, the main issues he didn't want another baby were:
- the cost of raising another child
- the stress of raising another child,
- how old he'd be when our youngest turns 18 (ie. the more kids we have, the longer our 'child-rearing years' will be) He calculated it by assuming they'll all be moving out the day they turn 18
- He was scared that if he agreed to 'just one more' I'd keep wanting more kids and we'd end up with 10.
- He has always said that he's got a huge fear something will go wrong when I'm in labour, so I think that was part of it too.
I tried to acknowledge his concerns and pointed out how they could be addressed or overcome, and then brought up all the positives of having another child. Now DD is here, he loves her to bits and is happy we chose to have another, but 3 will definitely be it for us.
I agree with lw1981 & delirium - give it some time and then try talking to him again. Goodluck
Last edited by 1234Guest; 19-12-2011 at 05:59.
18-12-2011 20:03 #5
I could have written your post word for word (except I have 2 DD's).
I desperately want another child but my hubby is adamant that 2 children is perfect. He cannot understand why I cannot be "happy" with just 2 kids. I've tried explaining to him that I am happy, but I dont feel complete. Unfortunately for us this conversation has been going on for about 8 months now and he is not budging one little bit.
I am now desperately hoping that one day soon my longing for another child disappears. It's a pretty sad time coming to terms with the fact that I wont ever be pregnant again or have another child to love.
18-12-2011 20:46 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
We have a 3yo and my partner and I had lots of angst a while ago over the timing of a second.
It's horrible when you desperately want a baby, but they withhold. It got to the stage where I was willing to lie about my ovulation dates to create an accident.
Normally, I would say wait and subtly work on him, but from memory, you are in your very late 30s.
I would explain in a heartfelt way that you don't necessarily have a lot of time left for more kids, and it would break your heart if you couldn't have another etc.
What about a weekend without kids so you cn talk without the day to day stress and drudgery?
Or there is my back up plan about "accidentally" getting pregnant. Although I told a couple of people about it, and got some disapproval.
19-12-2011 18:14 #7Junior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2011
I am in the same boat. My hubby is very happy with or daughter, 6 and our son 2, but I originally wanted one more. I have come around now as I know another baby would put undue stress on our marriage and I don't think its worth arguing about or sacrificing our relationship. If you're not on the same page I don't think it's worth fighting about. I've accepted this now and am enjoying my two angels Am actually considering donating my eggs now as I'm 33 and I'd like to help someone else have a family. My hubby is booked in for a vasectomy so our baby making days are definitely over now!
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20-12-2011 06:58 #8
We are also in the same boat. We have a boy and a girl. I've explained to him that I don't feel complete and I cant just make the feeling go away. 6 months ago he was dead set against the idea now hes slowly coming around. He will talk about it but I know its definatly not happening just yet. Plus I've had 2 psychic reading that have said ill fall preg in late 2013
My DH does have a valid reason which I understand so I'm not pushing him. Both of our children are severely hearing impaired, our daughter is developmentally delayed with suspected autism and our son have severe food allergies so our parenting journey has been far from straightforward so far
07-01-2012 19:41 #9
I am also wondering how does this particular argument get solved? DH and I are still at an impasse, he is adamant he wants the snip, but hasnt done it yet out of fear of upsetting me (and lack of motivation Id say!) and I just cant make my desire for more children go away!! I know we are amongst one of the most lucky couples alive to have as many wonderful, unique children as we do, however, it's sort of like money isn't it? If you had lots of money, it wouldn't necessarily mean you wouldn't like anymore.. If someone said "here have some money" you're not going to say "Oh no thanks Ive got plenty!" Maybe that comes across selfish, maybe not, but I firmly believe for myself and DH that If its meant to happen, it will. I had to ttc for 19 months and 4 rounds of Clomid to get my last DD and it really opened my eyes to what my true feelings and priorities were.. I only hope that over time, or by chance/fate, my husband and I will come to agree on this topic either way.. But one thing I know from experience is that you never regret the babies you have, only the ones you don't-
07-01-2012 19:54 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2010
I wish there was an easy answer. We are sort of in the same boat, except DH already has three children a dd & our two DS's. I would love another, but he is dead set he doesn't want four children.
The thing is he got my hopes up so that I don't know what to think. After DS2 was born and we were still in hospital he was talking about having another and when I tell him I will only take the pill for a set period and then he has to get the snip if he doesn't want anymore he is all like I am not 100% sure I don't want more..but if I try to discuss it in earnest with him, he says no..never or when we win the lotto..at the moment I am just leaving it as DS2 is only 6 months...but my baby making time is running out
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