I haven't been through this myself but my heart is truly breaking for you, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling.
Please please be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, rest and sIrrpund yourself with people who will support and love you, ie not your boyfriend if he is making you feel worse. Do you have even just one close friend you can talk to? Also does the place where you got it done offer counseling, they really should but I'm not sure if that's common or not.
I really hope you are ok and can get the support you need at least til you can work through your feelings with your counsellor. I'm thinking of you
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Results 21 to 28 of 28
21-12-2011 21:18 #21Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2008
21-12-2011 21:20 #22
22-12-2011 12:48 #23
Arghh sorry my inbox keeps filling up - it's cleared now
22-12-2011 15:33 #24
, this to you by a million.
This was very similar to my story. I was with not a very nice person (abuse), and I fell pregnant very early 20's. Never in a million years would I ever thought I would be in that position. It was a case of my heart saying no and every other part of my body saying yes! I did not want to be 'trapped' to him forever, or him to have anything to do with my child. I went ahead. I clearly remember laying on the table crying my eyes out. In my situation, just over a decade later, I have learnt to live with the pain. I think of it all the time and it especially hurt more when I was pregnant and gave birth to each of my babies.... You do learn to live with it, but for me, I have found that it doesn't get easier. Even now, I still wander about it, but know I wouldn't be where I am today with my loving partner and beautiful children.
Those first few weeks are really tough, as you are still affected by hormones and the raw pain emotionally and physically.
Much love and thoughts your way!
28-12-2011 15:34 #25Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
Hi everyone and thanks again for your supportive messages.
Its been two weeks now and I am still crying continually. Locked myself away Christmas Day, didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
Even if I did the termination for all the right reasons, the regret I feel is enormous, truly didn't think it would be this bad. I knew I would have mixed emotions but this pain is incredible. Doesn't help when I had a friend turn up a few days before Christmas to announce her pregnancy, minutes after I was crying about terminating mine
And I have had NO support from my partner, he can not understand why I am so upset as apparently I should have emotionally prepared myself for it and so I should just move on. He has hurt me beyond words and treated me like I am worthless. He is so black and white and so emotionless. I actually found some strength and called it off a few nights ago. Thought I would be relieved but has only added to my pain. I just wanted him to support me, to hold me and comfort me but instead he just belittled me and called me a cry baby. I know I am better off without him, but I just feel like I am losing everything at the moment. I just want this pain to end but I can't see how it will. I know it will take time but that doesn't help now.
I just want my baby back Never have I regretted something so much in my life. Should have listened to my heart and not my head.
29-12-2011 15:36 #26
Oh honey! I'm going to give some slightly different advice to you. Please don't think I'm being mean because I'm only saying this out of love and concern for you. First of all, you go girl! You got that creepy, selfish, unsympathetic git out of your life. The best thing you could have done IMO because I think with the love, support and courage of a worthy partner, you would not be still dealing with your emotions! So bravo! Second, what's done is done hon - there's no going back. I think now you have to take a breath, tell yourself that the decision was the right one at the time, and imagine yourself in the future, near or far, with a really, really hot, sweet, loving partner - and know that THIS guy is the guy that you want to sha re a baby with. THIS guy is the one that you want to marry and raise a child with! Third, I'd hunt down a doctor and get a three day supply of valium, draw the curtains, turn off the phone, take two and get a really good sleep with the future vision in your head. Lastly, go easy on yourself hon. You've been through a lot. There's no time limit on your emotions - two days, two weeks, two months - however long you need to feel well and happy again. We, your fellow Bub Hubbers have accepted the responsibility of giving you the support and love you need to help you move on. We are here for you - you're not alone. P.S Do you mind me asking how old you are?
Last edited by jaesmummy; 29-12-2011 at 15:42. Reason: ..
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29-12-2011 16:49 #27
Are you in Melbourne - Open Doors in Ringwood is a fantastic service.
I had a termination eight years. I cant believe it was that long ago.
I felt so raw and so hurt for so long. I can feel your pain through your post.
Get all the support you can - professional and friends. Let yourself grieve. Perhaps acknowledge/name your baby when you feel ready. And be kind to yourself.
It will get better. It will hurt for a long time. I wish it didn't. But time will help.
20-01-2012 20:54 #28
When I first fell pregnant with my DF last year I was absolutely mortified! I took 3 tests and they both came out positive. My first reaction was to cry... and CRY I did! Once I finally was able to control myself again I tried calling my partner. I think I called him 38 times in the space of 10 minutes and turns out that he was on a ladder up a roof so he couldn't answer.
I went straight onto google and searched for a termination clinic and called them immediately and booked myself in for two days later. My partner eventually did call me back, I think somewhere like half an hour after I had already booked myself in. I told him I was pregnant and that I had booked myself for an abortion on Thursday and he had to organise his jobs around making sure he could be there to support me and not be receiving calls every 5 minutes from his guys. (He owned his own electrical company).
Anyways I went in, had my abortion and my decision was based solely on the fact I was 19, my life had barely started, my partner and I planned on having kids but we wanted to own our own home before we started as that was what we defined as financial stability. Now I think about it, we were more than capable of raising a child and the financial side of things would never have caused us a worry... but back then I think I just WASN'T ready for a baby.
Straight away after the abortion I tried to act as if everything was perfectly fine, I put on a brave face as only my partner and I knew about the abortion and it was around the time my first nephew was born so we had HEAPS of baby stuff in our face constantly. My thoughts were constantly haunted by what I had done and as soon as my partner left for work I would cry, when he got home I acted like I was fine and when I went to bed, I feigned sleep.
Everything you're thinking, I'm sure went through my head after my abortion. Thoughts that I remember went through my head non stop was me never asking my partner what he wanted, that I wanted a baby and when I was given the opportunity I never gave the baby a chance. I thought it was completely selfish of me that I chose myself over a baby. It made me question whether or not I was a good mother and at some point I decided that I did not deserve to be a mother and I would never have children.
My biggest fault in the recovery process is I went through it entirely alone. My mother always told me she never believed in abortions so I couldn't turn to her for support. My partner didn't understand exactly what I was going through so he wasn't much of a help. I never went to see a therapist, I never took up any forums and instead delved into work. What helped me was I chose to think of the abortion for all the right reasons. I thought of why it was better for the baby to never have been born than to be born into a home where we weren't able to support their financial needs as that was the reason why I had the abortion. I constantly kept myself busy, I spent time out with my friends and when I needed to talk about the abortion I spoke to my partner as he was the only one who knew.
These emotions you are experiencing are normal. How you go about dealing with your grief is up to you as a person. I found it easier to not speak about it and deal with it in my own way, I don't believe that is the right way but that's what worked for me. I hope you have family or close friends that can support you as I know it would have been amazing to have just one person to turn to.
I would love to tell you how long it took for me to get over it, however, I fell pregnant 6 weeks after when the pill apparently wasn't working and the condom broke. When I saw the double lines on my test, I knew I was going to have this baby regardless to whether or not my partner would leave me. I can assure you, that when YOU are ready to have a baby... you will know. I went through a month of being unsure whether or not my partner was going to leave me, he refused to speak about the baby and what his thoughts were. When he did he would only say I don't think we are ready. I was sure that one day I would come home to find all of his stuff gone and myself alone... That day never came. Turns out he was ready to have a child with me but he wanted to be 100% certain that I was ready and in that month I showed him that regardless if he was there or not, I was having our baby.
I often think that our baby would have been born about a week or two ago, part of me still hurts for the baby that I never had.. Whether that will ever go away, I can't say. My only additional advice to you is for you to make sure you continue to look after yourself, make sure you eat normally, drink plenty of fluids, exercise and spend time around other people. Seek whatever support you can get from your partner, even if it's him just making sure you eat all your food. Don't take up any bad habits like pigging out on junk food, smoking, alcohol etc. When you are ready to move on, you will. Just remember to keep thinking of all the positive reasons why you had the abortion. If you find yourself thinking what if - think what if the baby was born and (positive reason for not having baby.)
I wish you well in your journey to recovery... It will be long, bumpy and far from easy... but it is a decision you will learn to live with and an experience you will remember and learn from. I know that if my children ever have to go through an abortion, I will make sure they know they can come to me for support and I'm sure you will do the same.
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