I don't think there should be any real rules, although society seems to think the father by default should have his name used. If I had a baby to a jerk I would put him on the BC (excluding issues of violence, stalking,abuse, so for safety reasons), but I probably wouldn't use his name. In my eyes it's a privilege not a right.... why should some jerk get that?
Respect is earnt, not demanded. My kids both have my DH's name, partly bc we were married before kids, but even if we weren't I would of used his name. Bc despite his faults he's a great father that would always stay involved no matter what.
Call me man hating, I don't care :P I just can't stand the notion that men deserve the respect of using their name purely bc they are male. I find that old fashioned notion anti woman really
View Poll Results: Should children have their father's surname?
- 92. You may not vote on this poll
Yes, he is the father regardless and deserves that respect.
No, they should almost always have their mother's surname.
It depends on what BOTH parents prefer.
Only if the man is a regular in the child's life.
Not if the mother doesn't want it to be.
Not if they're not a couple when the mother has the baby.
Other (please tell!)
WTF? This poll has stupid options! (Shut up - I couldn't think of any better ones! lol)
09-12-2011 18:52 #21
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09-12-2011 18:59 #22
There really is no correct answer for this because it all comes down to personal circumstances.
My son has DH's surname even though I kept my own surname when we got married. Both DH's parents died when he was young, he has one sister who we rarely see (she's married and changed her surname) - DH is the only one left from his family with his surname. I have a huge family and a brother to "carry on the legacy" of my surname.
I'm happy DS has DH's surname for the above reasons I'm also happy because my older daughter from a previous relationship has her dad's surname so it's nice to have a different surname to *both* children if that makes sense.
09-12-2011 19:00 #23Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2010
09-12-2011 19:06 #24
My kids have my last name - why would I give them their dads if I would never take it?
When we married, dh took my last name... Be kinda stupid if dh & I had the same last name and the kids had dads old name...
09-12-2011 19:16 #25
FOB hates his father, and with plenty of good reason. He considered changing his last name many times but in the end decided that he would keep the name and prove that the name doesnt mean squat. He wanted to prove that he could be a better person than his father and redeem the name...start a new line so to speak.
When DS was born, we gave him FOB last name as it was the done thing. My father begged me to use my surname instead, but I had no reason to. I was with FOB and was going to marry him and take his surname too. Obviously that never happened, but it doesnt bother me one little bit that DS has FOB last name.
Im not one of those people who question these kinds of traditions. I just go along with it and dont put too much thought into it to be honest....and couldnt care less what other people choose to do.
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09-12-2011 19:18 #26
We were married before having kids, so it was a non issue (as i took his name anyway)
However, I was the result of a one night stand, and my mum gave me her surname, then met a new partner (who was my birth fathers cousin so had the same last name as my birth father) and had children with him, so they took his last name. I felt left out. When i met my birth dad at age 12, I took his surname hyphenated with my mums. In my mind this made me feel more like part of the family - even more so when my brother and sisters hyphenated their names so we were all the same
09-12-2011 19:20 #27Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
It's tricky. I would never change my name,even if married, and feel strongly about it.
When I was pregnant, we discussed it, and the only equitable way would be to hyphenate. But our surnames do not work hyphenated and are both awkward to spell.
It was too much trouble to invent a whole new name.
I defaulted to tradition and my son has his father's name. I guess I could have given him my surname as a middle name, but am not really fussed on middle names.
If I was pregnant and the father was unlikely to be involved, then I would argue for my surname.
09-12-2011 19:21 #28
09-12-2011 19:21 #29
Definitely depends on the situation but it does sadden me that some people would think it bad to even consider giving the mothers name because of tradition etc.
I have my mothers surname. My father wasn't a part of my life from day one. He isn't on my birth certificate and I'm very happy about that! He had plenty of chances to prove himself and both my mother and myself were incredibly patient (for nothing). I've always hated my surname though, for no reason other than the way it sounds and that I got teased a lot about it at school. I don't feel any family tie to it and thought about changing it for years. One day I told someone I wanted to change my name and they said, "what will you change it to, your fathers surname?" knowing full well he was a total drop-kick! It made me really sad.
As for my belly babe, it will be getting DP's surname. Firstly, I still dislike my surname greatly and won't pass it on to any child I have (if I were to have a child to a man that I knew would not be in the child's life, I would give it a name of my choosing and probably change my name to the same). Secondly, I want our child to have the same surname as DP's daughter as I know it will mean a lot to her. Thirdly, his surname is SO NICE. Lastly, after seeing the relationship he has with his 14yr daughter (whose mother is a complete psycho/deadbeat mum and they have been separated since J was 1) I know that no matter what happens between us, our child will always be a huge and important part of his life.
My thoughts go out to all you tough ladies who are dealing with the drop kicks xx
09-12-2011 19:24 #30
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