OP, I think you're doing great so far, trying so many strategies and being so consistent. Engaging him in simple reflective discussions about how others feel can be done at the moment of transgression, or role-played at home with just the two of you.
Role-play sharing during play teatime parties, but take away his or teddy's cake and ask how teddy feels, or play hospitals with a toy that has fallen over and try and make links as to how his little friends feel when he has pushed them over.
As the OP asked WDYD, I think it would be nice if we didn't attack other poster's solutions. I can see this thread having the potential to be very helpful, as long as sectarian violence doesn't break out over smacking (or gentle physical reprimands) as forming part of the solution.
The OP is obviously a thoughtful mother who has researched behaviour management and she can work out for herself which methods she feels might make a difference to her DS's behaviour.
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09-12-2011 07:57 #11
09-12-2011 07:59 #12
09-12-2011 08:23 #13
I wasn't attacking anyone, I just didn't get the suggestion of smacking to teach a child to stop that exact behaviour towards others. I don't have any helpful suggestions for the OP as I haven't been in her situation, so probably shouldn't have posted in the first place. Will keep my nose out Sorry to take things OT OP.
09-12-2011 08:36 #14
A friend of mine has a son with the same behaviour and we (our social circle) are a bit peeved coz we have never seen her discipline him except the have a chat approach. No one wants to be around him. He Is now 3 and a half and they have lost friends. My little girl has said she doesnt like him. We watch him just do exactly as you described. I am sorry but he needs his mummy to get in his face and to hurt him the way he does to others so he sees it hurts others. She need only do it once. I love timeout for very challenging behaviours. I would also leave and tell him why. I actually think that if you don't start discipline when the behaviour first manifests the impression is that the behaviour is accepted. I think you need to up the anti and you need to do what is in your comfort zone. I strongly recommend 'Toddler Taming' by dr Chris green or books by the supper nanny.
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09-12-2011 08:55 #15
Just to add when he is playing well and nicely even on his own he needs a lot of ott reinforcement. Oh you make mummy so proud when you play quietly without hurting or throwing. Oh I just love you so much blah blah. Give him rewards too, a match box car, Freddo frog etc whenever u catch him doing the right thing. Saturate him with attention when he is doing the acceptable thing. Then discipline in a very unaccepting way the inappropriate behaviour.he needs to learn the distinction between acceptable and unacceptable.
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09-12-2011 08:59 #16
Some reading I did recently:
Last edited by 2BlueBirds; 09-12-2011 at 09:02.
09-12-2011 09:08 #17
My point was whatever floats his boat reward him with it. It's just short term.
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09-12-2011 12:29 #18Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
I am in a similar boat, my DS1 has demonstrated the same behavior you are talking about as well as biting since he was 1. I have always been consistent in my approach although my reaction/punishment has changed as DS1 has gotten older. I explain what he did wrong, immediately remove him from the situation, sit him in time out, pay attention to the child he has hurt, always praise his good behavior and if the unacceptable behavior occurs 3 times in the same place we leave. We did speech therapy as he was a little behind his peers and the pediatrician (we were also seeing because of the behavior) thought it may be frustration from lack of communication skills, I also did the triple P parenting program and I am still at a loss. I took videos to the pediatrician showing DS1 sitting playing with a toy and then just out of nowhere walking up to a younger child and biting them. DS1 turned 3 in November and his behavior I must say has improved out of sight but I still don't feel comfortable if he is out of my sight. Not that I hover but for example at playgroup mums can nick to the kitchen to make a coffee or stand around for a chat I can't, I need to be constantly watching him.
It has been a extremely challenging time, as it causes so much anxiety in me and I really believe I have and am doing everything I can, it's just unexplainable. Thankfully all the children's parents we socialise with are really understanding I guess they can see I'm doing everything I can. And like I said for the last few months he has really improved, there hasn't been any incidents for no reason for a long time, now it's just when he wants something someone else is playing with or if he thinks another child is doing the wrong thing.
Anyway hang in there, it sounds like you are doing the right thing, I often remind myself all children are different and unique don't compare or expect to much they are only 2 or 3.
Actually the other thing we started doing is talking about 'rules' so any time we are mixing with other children we talk about "the rules" before hand, we talk about what is going to happen if he doesn't follow the rules and what reward he will get when he does follow the rules. Our rules are:
1. No pushing 2. No biting. 3 Listening to mummy & daddy 4. Sharing & waiting your turn
The triple p parenting program does suggest making the rules a positive rather than negative for example instead of No pushing, it should be Keeping hands and feet to yourself. But I find No pushing to be more effective for DS1.
09-12-2011 14:09 #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2011
Thanks everyone - I think the only thing I could up the ante on would be positive reinforcement. I do this already but I will re-double my efforts!
With any form of discipline, regardless of my firmess *for lack of better word* (as in if I plonk him in 'time out', hold his hands quite firmly, get in his face, raise my voice a little, and generally be Tough Mummy) or my gentleness (being very very calm and using a quiet voice, taking him to time out very gently by the hand and sitting him down softly, explaining nicely ""oh no, now X is crying because you hurt him, when you are ready you can go and say sorry and give him a hug") he just doesn't seem to *get* it. He will either be distracted and look around and not listen, or be angry and throw grass at me, hit my legs, kick at me, yell in my face, or thinks its funny. At playgroup after he pushed the little girl over I marched him outside firmly, plonked him down on his bottom and said "IF you do that again we will go home" he looked at me smugly and said "HOME HOME HOME!!" which he thought was highly entertaining as he had just learnt the word home!
amesv - our children and situations sounds VERY similar (minus my DS biting) and its good to hear that you have tried everything as well and got no where fast! Obviously not good for you, but I'm glad I'm not the only one - I honeslty don't know anyone IRL who's child is this bad. He is also, I feel, behind in his speech compared to his peers but I spoke to a Speech Therapist over the phone and she seemed to suggest that he is a bit young to work with very well and that there is not a lot she would be able to do...
When I talk to DS before going to somewhere that involves other children I say "now no hitting at playgroup ok? can you show me how nice and gentle you can be to your friends? lets play nicely, you've been such a good boy today etc
I will persevere with it all and hope hope hope he does, eventually, grow out of it.
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