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  1. #1
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    Default IVF & Depression - Deciding whento let it go :-( How did you decide when to stop TTC

    Hi

    Just wanting to know when you decided to stop TTC, how did you cope with this as a couple?

    Have been TTC our second child for over six years now, put off IVF treatment as I knew that I really wouldn't cope with it mentally, and really wanted to enjoy our daughter. Plus the cost was way out of our range at the time.

    Had our first IVF/ICSI cycle in May/June this year, fell pregnant but failed at 5 weeks confirmed failed pregnancy at 9 weeks as HCG levels rising consistently, waited another couple of weeks and then had to induce miscarriage with misoprostol. I just fell apart. I thought I was coping okay, but depression and anxiety have taken hold of me these last few months.

    I want another child, but my daughter really had a tough time last time as I really didn't cope and I have been the worse mother, and feel like I've missed almost a whole year of her life, as i have been in another world. It is everything I can do to just get through the day.

    We have 4 embies on ice but, the thought of even stepping into our fertility clinic again makes me feel sick and anxious.

    How do you decide to let it go, how did you get to that point where you were at peace with your decision to stop TTC?

    I feel so torn.

  2. #2
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    Hey Boomerang, sorry to hear you are feeling like this, the best thing that you can do for yourself is go to your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist. If you get a referral you can claim up to 6 sessions on medicare. Speaking to a professional that can help you deal with whatever you are feeling, to help you cope is worth it's weight in gold.


    Good luck xx

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  4. #3
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    Boomerang, Im sorry you are feeling this way. It is so hard. We had no trouble conceiving No1 and ended up needing IVF for No2. On our first FET we were lucky enough to get a BFP but like you it ended in a missed MC at 9wks....It was devastating. I sat in the hospital wondering how anyone gets through it and continues.....but time did heal. My desire to have a sister or brother for DD was greater than the fear I had. I went on to have two more 'chemical' pregnancies before finally getting a sticky BFP.

    I would certainty be talking to the counselor....does you clinic offer one as part of the services...I thought most did....I would be talking to them or another counselor....you need to come to peace with what happened and whatever choice you make regarding future IVF attempts....Unfortuantly its something only you and your partner can make the final decision on.

    Goodluck
    Last edited by jacklicky; 03-12-2011 at 09:22.

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  6. #4
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    Hi Boomerang

    Sounds like you are going through a rough time, it is certainly not much fun doing long term TTCing.....

    We are in the same boat, still trying for that second child and having no luck to date. My DH and I have pre-determined how much IVF we will do and after that I will hang up my hat and just get on with life....you are right that it is important to love and appreciate the child we have been blessed with, but that still doesn't stop the desire for another child.

    I don't think there is an easy answer as to when the time to let go is, and everyone is different. Somehow I suspect time might be the key but of course that is not helpful as you are going through it!

    I hope you and your DH can sort out something that works for your family

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  8. #5
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    Hi Boomerang, losing a child is the most difficult thing ever. What makes it harder is that people can be really insensitive and say things like "it just wasn't meant to be" or "maybe it was for the best as there might have been something wrong with the baby". All these things you will hear and they will make you want to scream.

    I have been trying to conceive baby #1 for nearly 4 years now and I don't think I will ever get to a place where I can say "enough is enough". I think menopause is the only thing that would stop me. Like you I have had a m/c and I've also had 2 ectopic pregnancies with ruptured tubes so IVF is my only hope. I am currently in my 2ww of my second go at IVF and am feeling physically sick with worry that I'll get a BFN again. When people tell you to be calm and relax and it will just happen I could literally burst with anger!

    After your m/c you will need time to deal with what happened and to find some kind of peace in your own head so you feel able to try again. Don't feel like you're being a bad mum, just be open with your DD as much as you can and explain that you went through a tough time and that you are getting stronger and that she was such a brave and strong little girl to help mummy feel better.

    I really hope things get easier for you and that you and your DH get through this and become even stronger for it. If you feel sick at the thought of going back to the clinic then take some time out, try and have a holiday or pamper yourself until you feel able to take that next step. The disappointment after something like a m/c is such an overwhelming feeling that you can get bogged down in your emotions and unable to find a way to see a light at the end of the tunnel but talk to your partner because he is the only one who will know how it feels. I tried talking to other people and wanted some kind of comfort from them but their answers always left me feeling worse. In the end I really opened up to my DH about how much it was hurting me and it brought us so close. He shared his feelings with me and we realised that it was "our" pain.

    I had a very insensitive family member call me selfish for being so upset because my cousin had previously lost one of her twin boys 2 weeks after they were born. Her actual words were "how can you be so selfish after what your cousin's been through". I was completely dumbstruck as I hadn't been comparing our situations at all. I was just saying how devastated I was to have lost a baby. That's when I realised that people who haven't been through those situations have no idea how much it hurts. You can have an idea that it isn't a nice situation but until you actually go through it you can't imagine how awful it can be. I think because they don't see a scan of the baby or didn't hold it in their arms they don't see it as a real baby and therefore dismiss your feelings. As every woman who's ever been pregnant knows, your life doesn't change when the baby is put in your arms, it changes the moment you find out you're pregnant. You start the plan for its life and how the future's going to look and when you lose a baby, you lose all those plans as well.

    My heart reeally goes out to you and I will pray for you that things become clearer and that you find the strength to do what's right for you and your family. Give your DD and your DH a big group hug and slowly take steps together to heal and move forward in your own time. and I wish you all the best x

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  10. #6
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    I think you'll know when it's time to either stop or go again. At the moment it's probably time to heal emotionally. Different people will heal differently and at different speed, and you can never erase the scar but time can make it less painful.

    For myself I find talking about it helps, unfortunately my DH is not good at the emotional stuff which I really longed for, I ended up writing down a lot of things and let him read them, I also kept a journal of my emotional journey, as well as having some kind of memorial for each of my lost angel babies, it can be as simple as giving them names, planting a flower/tree, keeping a rock, getting a little glass angel or a soft toy, some people here have gotten a small tattoo. I found other support talking to my very understanding GP, other ladies I've met on BH who totally understand how I felt, my supportive friends and colleagues. I did see a counsellor a few times and read some books but I didn't really find them that useful, and my family just totally can't understand but I know they're behind me.

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  12. #7
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    A combination of circumstances and FS advice has led us to decide upon our stopping point.
    Based on our results so far our FS has recommended we stop trying to use my eggs after 8 stims.

    But then there are still the decisions of whether to use related or unrelated, anonymous or known egg and sperm donors, or go on the embryo waiting list, or fostering or adopting.


 

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