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  1. #1
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    Default Loss of something, Birth of something.

    It is often said that with the birth of a child comes the birth of a mother, a new woman, you name it. It also comes with the loss of something; your old life, your old identity, perhaps old habits, interests, friends. I'm aware that the word "loss" has negative connotations, but I'm not necessarily only thinking about negative changes.

    Personally, I remember feeling that I misplaced my old identity; this impulsive, vivacious and respected woman that I once were. I used to take a lot of pride in my professional identity, and as a SAHM this part of me is not nourished.

    Being fun and impulsive is somewhat challenging when you have a little baby, so it has taken me a while to come to terms with my new life.I sometimes still find it hard when I feel that people forget that mums more than *just* mums. I do miss nurturing my old interests and talents, and find it challenging to reclaim that part of me.

    I must say; I've grown into a more organised and structured person, and I feel a lot more assertive.

    I would be interested to hear how your life changed after becoming a parent; what you lost and what you gained from the experience.
    Last edited by MuminMind; 25-03-2012 at 14:51.

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    I've still got a few weeks to go but I think the biggest thing for me to come to terms with is the 'loss' of my selfish me. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. I say what I want, I think what i want etc etc etc and not even my partner can change that. Now its just not going to be about me and I have to care what someone else thinks and does. I'm the first one to get up and walk away if I dont like a situation or I become disinterested, with very little regard for anyone that I leave behind. And I like it like that. But I cant get up and walk away from a baby.

    I guess the other thing I've come to terms with, and is going to make me an even harder person that I already am, is that in addition to the standard baby thing our little girl has her own bag of long term difficulties medical & development issues. I guess its something that no parent goes in to pregnancy planning for so when it happens its the world's biggest wake up call. So not only do you have to cope with the standard baby things, but go over and above the standard with treatments, therapies, even other people's stares and attitudes. And that is the thing I think I will probably react most to.... and perhaps not always smiling sweetly.
    I dont expect that there will be any 'me' time anymore in the true sense of the word. Because even though I might get time to myself, its still always going to be in my head that I have to go back to someone else............ and thats something I've never had to think about before.

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    I am very aprehensive about the changes that out little baby will bring. I love how most saturday and sundays we lie in bed and chat for hours. I love how we can decide last minute that we want to stay in the city for a bite to eat. Or how we organise weekends away with our friends. I am worried how my relationship with DH, will change. I am excited, but also very nervous. My DH, is fine, he is excited to become a father.
    I just worry that what if I am not happy with the changes a baby brings? I am excited, as I have always wanted a child. However I have lots of scary thoughts too.

  4. #4
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    It's really great to see responses from the ones of you who have not yet had the child (I assume that it is the first one for both of you). I think it is really great to see that you have given some thought to how your life will change, and that you go into parenthood with a more realistic outlook. I also used to live a pretty independent and "selfish" life before my firstborn arrived, and I used to be such a nocturnal person. Funnily enough, most of us find a way to adjust ourselves. I might not have much "me-time" anymore, but there is also something comforting about hardly ever being alone anymore. One of the biggest challenges for me was to still maintain a close relationship with my partner, and although we are struggling, we try to have some time to ourselves everynight when the little ones are sleeping.

    Quote Originally Posted by ChangedMyMind View Post
    I guess the other thing I've come to terms with, and is going to make me an even harder person that I already am, is that in addition to the standard baby thing our little girl has her own bag of long term difficulties medical & development issues.
    I think your daughter is incredibly fortunate to have a mother like you. It seems like you are very educated and reflective, which is a really good starting point. I hope that you have plenty of support from partner, family and friends, and that you have also been made aware of all services available to you in your situation. Putting into place as much support as possible BEFORE birth can make life seem a lot more manageble.

    Would love to hear from other parents out there!

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  6. #5
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    Bump - out of curiosity.

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    After having worked for 12 years in a career I thoroughly enjoyed but was exhausted from I was relishing the thought of time away. I stopped work
    early and have now had 7 months not working and DS is 10 weeks old. But I'm now just starting to feel that I'm not willing to give it up entirely. I think you're right Muminmind when you wrote about identity, how is your sense of self tied up with work? Career? Freedom of time? I have been reflecting on this a lot lately and feel that there is a sense of loss or perhaps even a type of grieving for that which had previously been everything you'd worked towards especially when, as you say you 'take pride' in a professional identity.
    Last edited by babyla; 25-03-2012 at 15:25.

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    MuminMind  (25-03-2012)

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    I like to call it post natal deprivation :-P

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    MuminMind  (25-03-2012)

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    During the first few months of becoming a mum I found I really let myself go appearance wise. TBH, DS is 13 months and I'm still doing it! At home I totally dress for comfort - hair tied back, head band keeping the flyaway off my face, roots that badly need re-dying. Sometime I'm lucky if I remember to shave my legs once a week, and "downstairs" maintenance had totally gone out the window! Nails are rarely painted and are often in need of a file. If I ever got a pedicure I'm sure they'd want to charge me double!

    When i go out (ie, work or a social occasion) make up is usually minimal and I'm lucky of I get the time (or energy) to straighten my hair.

    Not to mention how much I regret not having an exercise routine pre-motherhood! What the heck did I used to do with all that spare time?!

    I can handle the 6am wake ups (7 days a week) and lack of $ from dropping down to part time at work, but I really miss having self maintenance time! I even try to set up days of the week to do certain things but other things always seem to take priority.

    Anyway, I could go on but I won't!


 

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