With DD I tried several different ways of managing her bad behaviour!
One occasion that is very much ingrained in my memory is once when she would not listen to calm talking, would not go to her room and stay until she calmed down, I tried everything.
I took her to her room and sat with her on my lap, talking to her calmly....I might like to add that she was screaming the whole time, yet I continued to try and console her, explain that it was not the right thing to do, that it would be better for her if she calmed down....then she lost the plot and started screaming louder and louder, hitting me, scratching me, my face, my arms everywhere. In surprise and anger, I smacked her....she would have been 3 at this stage maybe even 4, but she was so out of control I thought that the smack would make her realise that hitting me was hurting me like I just hurt her.....it didnt work.......she got more and more angry.
I am so thankful that my parents were with me at the time....dh was at work....anyway, i dragged her into the hallway telling my parents that they needed to help because if they didnt, I was really going to hurt her.
Dad grabbed her, put her in the shower and turned on the cold water....(i might just add that we lived in Far north NT, so the water was never cold, cold) but the shock of the water, plus the fact that her poppy had done it was enough for her to calm down and realise that she needed to stop....
From then on, the threat of putting her in a cold shower worked pretty well when she was chucking a tantrum....now though, as she is that bit older, I only have to give her "that" look and she gets upset and goes to her room.
What works for some people, may not work for others, but no one can judge us based on a few written lines in an anonymous forum. Lets give each other a fair go...we are all doing the best we can!
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10-08-2011 19:43 #41
10-08-2011 19:45 #42
The only time I would ever/have ever smacked my child was when they were about to do something dangerous, ie reaching for a pot of boiling gravy on the stove, and it was an automatic reaction to make them stop.
To put it in some kind of perspective, once while we were handing over our DS for access my ex partner grabbed me by the elbow as I walked away and turned me around. It wasn't particularly violent, it didn't leave a bruise. But his action said very clearly "You are doing something I don't want you to and I will use my greater physical strength to stop you." It frightened me considerably.
He was charged and convicted of assault. In MY mind there isn't a difference between that and smacking a child for being disobedient.
10-08-2011 19:58 #43
I used to use smacking to discipline my son. I knew it was wrong, even when I did it. I knew when I did it, it was because I had lost control and smacking was a release of my anger. It makes me so sad that I did this. But it was all I knew. It was how I was raised and I thought it was how you 'teach' kids a lesson. I know now how wrong I was.
I stopped smacking my son when he started smacking me and others to let out his anger and frustration. I realised I was teaching him the wrong way to deal with a healthy emotion. I wasn't setting him up to know how to react to things in life in the right way. Violence is not the answer to any problems, and that is what I want to teach him.
I have found his behaviour to be much better now that I use different tactics. He plays nicer with other kids and will listen when I speak to him. He still sometimes uses violence against other kids in frustration and I hope that with time he will learn the right way to cope with things, until then I will continue to feel guilty for the way I have handled things in the past.
10-08-2011 20:08 #44
Thanks Theo, I feel the same. What other tactics do you use? My DS is 2 yrs old (will be in 3 weeks) and sometimes he does things that make me angry (like spitting his dinner out onto the floor...!!) and I am not sure what to do in situations like that.
10-08-2011 20:09 #45-
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Thanks for the replies so far! I'll be back soon to respond in depth once I'm on the computer
FWIW I don't mind 'anti-smackers' coming in and sharing their experiences, coz most of the time their experiences are what lead them to their decision of not being a smacker.
As long as the debate is kept respectable then I am happy
Be back soon. XX
10-08-2011 20:10 #46
I won't lie, I have smacked a handful of times in my 7 years of parenting, but it was about the fact I had lost control. I haven't smacked for yonks, and really, I found it does nothing anyway except create a dynamic where it tells the child it's ok to hit people when they aren't doing what you want them to.
My neice has kids that she smacks, and I don't mean a tap on the hand for touching the stove, but full on belting. The eldest has become violent at DC with other children and hits her all the time. Yet she cannot understand why that is
I don't think that those that regularly smack are bad people, I just don't think it works most of the time, and when it does it's out of fear rather than a true recognition of wrong doing.
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10-08-2011 20:13 #47
It depends on what is happening at the time but instead of smacking now days I use, cuddles, talking, ignoring, distraction, time out (when things get really bad, this helps me and him both clam down, but I don't do it much).
If he throws his dinner on the floor I make a point to get him to clean it up (as much as he can, while I help him), and at the same time I explain to him that its not nice to make a mess for someone else to clean up, I say things like 'dinner is so much nicer when we don't make a mess'. He has an obsession with things that are 'nice' so I use that alot to my advantage. Like saying things along the lines of 'its so much nicer when we share with bubby'.
It surprises me how much he understands at 2 1/2 years old, I can talk to him about things and get a good reaction, I just had to give him a chance
The Following User Says Thank You to Theophania For This Useful Post:
10-08-2011 20:16 #48
I forgot to add what tactics I use instead of smacking. DD is an angel most of the time, and DS who is hell on wheels we use time out. I know some think it shames the child, but he gets into these rage attacks where talking to him, reasoning, simply don't work. So he has time out, where I encourage him to take deep breaths, and when he has calmed we talk about it. He is like his father where you need to leave him alone to collect himself, then discuss things.
10-08-2011 20:16 #49
10-08-2011 20:28 #50
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