In desperate need of some advice..
Well my 2yo daughter has just started attending family day care, just one time per week, I started her doing this about 10 weeks ago now, and decided to let her start attending daycare for the reason being, I have just had a baby (2 weeks old) and thought as well as being fantastic for her developmentally, it would be nice to have one day a week just myself and my new baby. I do not work, I am a stay at home mum too.
Anyway, when I first started sending her,
she would cry when I dropped her off- but I would leave her knowing "mummy will be back" and as I walked out of the gate I would always stop and listen and the cries seemed to always instantly stop within 30secs to a min of me leaving.
But I have found as the weeks go on, her cries don't seem to be getting better, in fact things are getting worse, she now cries at the very thought of going to daycare, she cries on the way there, and I find it very hard leaving her when she's crying desperately for me.. And when I stop at the Gate on the way out, the cries are taking much longer than a few mins to subside.
My daughter is NOT a clingy kid, she seems to have zero confidence issues, she's otherwise a very happy, outgoing kid. When I leave her with family (or people she knows) she never ever cries for me, shows absolutely NO separation anxiety. This is why I have my concerns ATM.
It's also now not just crying when I drop her off- she bursts into tears when I pick her up. When she sees me at the door she instantly starts crying and runs to me and clings to me for dear life sobbing. I find this behaviour - for my daughter- very out of character. But then her carer says it's 'normal' behavior?
I find that she seems to be agonizing about going to daycare all week, every day she says "no daycare today mummy?" and constantly refers to daycare in a negative manner throughout the day.
She hasn't got social issues, she goes to 2 playgroups a week, and also a crèche - where she's perfectly happy to be left. (and looks forward to it).
When I ask her about her day at daycare she also just repeats over and over that her carer tells her to "lie down, lie down".. I am sure she's referring to when she has her lunchtime nap.. But why is this so significant to her I don't understand? It disturbs me a bit not understanding what is going on.. She also tells me that the other kids and sometimes he carer are "naughty" but won't elaborate. She never talks about any funthat she's had, about any games or activities.. And this is a kid that is normally more than capable communicatively to tell me if she has had a good day.. I find it frustrating that she can't (or wont) communicate though what she is feeling or
what is happening at daycare.
I worry though, am I just being a paranoid mum and letting her cries and things 'get to me'? If it is separation anxiety then should I be persisting with daycare.. Or should I be
sensitive and maybe think about pulling her out and starting her again in 6months? Or just look at somewhere else?
Or, there could be just the matter that she's not happy where she is..
Just don't know what to do..
I fear that she is not having a good time at daycare, that she is being forced to attend and she is not happy- that maybe she is bored or not stimulated enough. That maybe she isn't getting along with the kids or the carer? That maybe she is being punished or something else is going on that is making her upset.. Her carer says everything is perfectly fine and She's doing well and is happy etc etc- but I know my kid and I know she most certainly isn't happy..
Any advice would be helpful.. Thank you
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23-06-2011 01:05 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
Unhappy with daycare- advice needed
Last edited by xxkristyxx; 23-06-2011 at 01:13.
23-06-2011 01:27 #2
Hi! I am just off to bed (about time after 2am here) and I do not have enough awake thoughts to reply in clear detail to your post..
My DD went through this too but it was after being happy at daycare for two months or so, then all of a sudden was talking negative about it every day and making sure every day when she woke up "no school today mum, not school day" and being really upset when it was the day that I would say "yes, school day today". She was also always talking about the same things, a naughty carer and being told to lie down. HOWever she was also able to elaborate. After I asked her what she meant she said "they make me lie down on the floor and I tell him (her) that I don't like sleep on floor that's not my bed, she say LIE DOWN LIE DOWN". She started talking a lot about really not liking being told to lie down and being upset about it a lot. There were 4 carers in the room at all times so I know nothing sinister happened, as there are also glass windows and walls there to all the other rooms and outside and I am friends with one of the carers. I ended up asking my friend and she said that my DD HATED nap time and they usually let her play for it, but she really hated the fact that they had no beds (they put down mats to sleep) and my DD just couldn't fathom why they were made to sleep on the floor lol. So that was the whole issue about sleeping, and she also wanted to play with all the toys while all the other kids slept, as then she didn't have to share.
BUT then things went downhill. She got more and more upset about daycare and didn't want to go. I only let her go a few weeks and was thinking of pulling her out over it when I was made aware of a cover up at the centre. Apparently a carer had problems with over disciplining the kids. She was all sweet and nice to the parents, but was eventually fired for bullying the other carers, which included getting them to lie to the director about being too rough with the kids, putting them into time outs for too long etc. I know it was hersay but I had to go off my gut feeling and the fact that DD didn't want to be there, I just could NOT continue to send her there because it was against all maternal instinct for me. I guess my advice for you would be, trust what you are thinking. If you think you have geniuine reasons to question your DD's safety there, then pull her out or find a new daycare. If you think it is an attachment issue that your DD is going through at the moment, and that she is safe at daycare, then figure out why she is so upset and try to see if you can work on it with the carers. Don't let them tell you she is ok if you know she isn't, just tell them that you would rather them tell you if she is getting really upset so that you can all come up with a plan together.
hope this makes sense!!
23-06-2011 01:32 #3
Go with your instincts, take her out. She should be happy, not wake up with anxiety over going there
23-06-2011 07:23 #4
I agree with the others - I'd be pulling her out and finding a different daycare. Hope she's ok. And congrats on the new baby - I saw your other thread about being induced and was wondering how you were going
23-06-2011 09:27 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
my DS has been in daycare 1-2 days a week since he was 4.5months old. he's now 26months. just before he was 2 though we had about 8 horrible weeks of crying when i dropped him off and picked him up. I could tell it was separation anxiety, but also, he didn't like one of the carers in his room. luckily she had holidays for 3 weekss and then soon after he was moved up to the next room, now we have no problems at all.
He's in a big centre daycare, i initially didn't like it but now i love it. most girls are great and i also bring up any issues/concerns with the carers themselves before going to the director. he only goes 2 days a week and i don't have the option to take him out at all
go with your gut instinct, if its not right change her. can she have a day with a grandmother instead?
23-06-2011 10:38 #6
I would definitely try another day care. If she is upset all day and you spend the whole day worrying about her it's not good for either of you! It's so important to me that my son is happy when I'm not around and thankfully he loves his day care. He is 12 months and has been going one day per week since 4.5 months (I work on that day).
23-06-2011 10:44 #7
:s your actually between a rock and a hard spot here.
Speaking from experience with having my own children in daycare and having worked in one (the same one)....
I KNOW what goes on behind the scenes and what carers are REALLY like and how they act to the parents when they either pick up or drop off their children and what they are like before and after the fact and sometimes the carers DO create such an environment where children are harrassed or picked on or disliked etc which unfortunately causes ALOT of anxiety for them to have to come back and for the carers who genuinely do the right thing, there is absolutely nothing you can do to try and rectify the situation and make the child more comfortable which sometimes the only thing to do is change the centre the child attends.
There is a BUT....
Some children (especially as in your case when there is a new baby around) WILL get worse before they get better and some NEVER get better at all.
We had 2 children at the centre i was working at that in the whole 14 months i was there that would cry on and off literally all day that werent picked on at all - suprisingly enough everyone gave their best efforts to soothe them but it never made any difference, they were the same at other centres they had previously.
All you can do is try somewhere new and hope for the best it may just be that your little one doesnt feel comfortable there and with family daycares, because they only have a few children she may not feel comfortable for the fact that the children arent like her or compatible with her.
I hope it works out for you
23-06-2011 11:22 #8
I would go with your gut feeling.
If you think it best to take your DD away from there - then recommend you do.
I sent my DD to homecare (at nurses suggestion) as she was SO clingey. it was really hard - but i was lucky enough to have a wonderful, mother/carer for her. I sent her to another homecare when we moved - but looking back, i should have bitten the bullet, and put her into a larger daycare.
At the age of 3 - she went to a 'daycare' - and altho it was difficult with her anxities and shyness, she blossomed so much. I had a comfortable feeling and just kept with it. I never really thought of taking her out, or changing places. (if i was deep down concerned for a while - i would've taken action)
I think us 'mothers and fathers' need to go with our gut feeling moreso than we do (for fear of being wrong)... If we are wrong in our thoughts and processes, well you take it on from there and meet the next challenge.
You need to be comfortable with where your DD is at - and thus, it will reflect in her as well I believe.
23-06-2011 11:28 #9
Take her out. Poor little mite. Just keep her with you for a few months and then perhaps look into something else for her?
23-06-2011 11:49 #10
Go with your gut and take her out.
My kids recently changed DC centres. They had been in the same place for ages - but DD changed rooms and started refusing to sleep during the day - which caused all sorts of problems in the evening. Then she started having horrible nightmares where she was yelling at a particular carer in her sleep. They had a total personality clash.
I changed centres - DD is sleeping fine during the day and the nightmares stopped overnight.
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