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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2011

    Default Real Dilemma, need advice

    Where do I start? I desperately want another child and have done for the last 4 years. We have 2 already who are now 8 and 6. Our 6 yr old has been quite challenging since born but is really grown up now and not a problem to me anyway. My husband has never quite enjoyed the 6 yr old and still doesn't know how to deal with him in the most constructive, nurturing way. Anyways my husband was adamant that there would be no more kids and to be honest I was quite happy with that. Until, one day when our son was 2 yrs old he mentioned that another one would be nice. It all started then, my motherly instinct went into overdrive and started planning and thinking about the future etc. About 6 months later my father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer which changed everything for awhile which was fine and understandable. Anyway, my husband had changed his mind for good about having another baby. I was more than devastated, I couldn't look at him, couldn't stop crying and even considered leaving as I just didn't know how he could hurt me like that and really not even seem to believe he had done anything wrong. Anyways, I just let it go while we concentrated on spending time with his dad etc.
    Somewhere along the way my husband had come around again to the idea of having another baby and this just played with my head and I said at the time that if he changed his mind again, that is it, I am going. Well, he has changed his mind again and I don't know what to do???? My world feels like it is falling apart. I am miserable and he is tired of me being a misery guts all the time..... go figure. Apparently it isn't nice to know that the reason I am so down is because of him, yet he doesn't acknowledge any of it. I don't know what to do. My life doesn't feel complete at the moment and I am hurt beyond belief that he could do this to me again. I am going to get counselling as I am usually so happy and upbeat and positive about everything. At the moment that is the complete opposite.
    Sorry it is so long winded, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    How heartbreaking this would be for you. Counseling sounds like a good idea to help you get through this difficult time. It is a very horrible and powerless feeling when your hubby is unsupportive of your own goals in life. I really hope you can get through this with your marriage in tact. Just for the record my hubby didn't want a 4th child, but with patience and time he came round to the idea...... so you just never know what's around the corner. Good luck with getting through this stressful time and being able to lift your spirits again.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2010
    I can really feel the pain and anguish behind your post and I am not surprised that your head is spinning from it all.

    I can also relate to a lot of what you write. For an entire year I was desperate for a 3rd baby. My husband was adamant that he didn't want one. I spent the whole year on the internet looking for women who'd had third babies and agonising over whether to push him into it (which I wouldn't) or not. I felt angry, frustrated and as if my insides were twisted up. I also spent a lot of time convinving my self that a third baby would be a bad idea.

    A year later my husband, seeing maybe a tenth of what I was going through, said we could have one. I went into a complete tail spin. I'd just spent an entire year convincing myself not to have one and now I was being told we could. Did I want one? Should we go for it? I alternated between elation and despair unable to decide what to do. also the gap between the other childeren was getting wider in terms of differences in age.

    Six months later I felt confident enough to go ahead and try for a third baby- with husband still on side. However, I'm an older mum and fear that I may have left it too late.

    My children are 3 and 5.

    My only comfort for you is that such really intense feelings don't last- they can't- and they do die down once again. I also tried to think about my husband's perspective and how he must be feeling.

    This is a terribly confusing time for you and I can imagine it influences all areas of your life. You're not alone though and I'll be thinking of you and sending you lots of good vibes over the internet. Take care of yourself.


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