I was so consumed by the fact that it was so hard leaving the house, that I was stuck there with two high-needs, non-sleeping children that the only way out was to wish away their first year.
And now I wonder if it's why I feel as though I need a third child- to experience properly a baby's first year..
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18-03-2011 19:46 #71
18-03-2011 19:59 #72
There is someone with a young child, possibly a baby, in a unit nearby .... not sure if its in the same unit block as me or not but i live in a street full of unit blocks.
Anywho, this child/baby screams and cries quite often....some nights it wakes me and for a moment i think its DD then i realise its not.
A short while ago, not long after I put DD down, I could hear it crying again.
And then I heard the mother scream
"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!"
I will admit (since this thread is about brutal honesty) that if this happened before today and seeeing this thread, I would've judged and thought "oh what a bad mother" (even tho i did similar thing the other night )
Now tho, after confessing my own moment of weakness and reading about all you other wonderful strong mothers, i now just want to give both her and the baby a hug. Too bad I dont know where she lives, i cant even offer her some help or a hug.
And before i was pregnant and while i was pregnant (so about 2 yrs ago-ish) there was someone (whos since moved) in the building opposite ours and they had a newborn and all it did was cry and scream morning noon and night and all i ever thought was "omg shut that baby up! that mother needs to give it a hug and some affection. there is obviously something wrong with it"
*hangs head in shame*
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18-03-2011 20:04 #73Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
Gosh, you know what, this thread has made me feel like I'm not as crap a mum as I thought I was. So many of you wonderful mums have felt/done similar things to me. Mums who I know are great mums. But maybe not perfect.
My biggest shame is that I just really don't cope well with the crying/screaming. I honestly understand how shaken baby happens. I do feel angry and frustrated when I can't soothe the crying. And then feel so guilty about not being compassionate toward this tiny helpless baby.
I think it stems from my DS who screamed for 5 months. Pretty much non stop. Now when my precious tiny DD screams it's like I have a flashback or something and my anxiety levels just skyrocket and I just want it to stop.
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18-03-2011 20:20 #74
There are so many things in this thread that I can relate to
I had an amazing labour and birth with DD, but when she was born I lost a lot of blood. There was talk of a transfusion, but then they "forgot"! I had epic gastro for days before I went into labour, and I have autoimmune conditions that flared immediately after she was born.
The first few weeks of her life are a blur to me, spent in a sleep deprived, dehydrated, fatigued and agonisingly painful existence. One night after she'd been on the boob for an hour or so, I lay her down to sleep and sunk into the mattress. And I never wanted to get up. Ever. I wanted the mattress to swallow me, or for me to never wake up. And I resented DD for making me feel that way.
This leads me to shameful confession 2: I hate myself for stopping breastfeeding. I stopped so I could take my RA meds, and so DH could help me out with the night feeds. I hate myself. I couldn't even make that sacrifice for my DD. I feel selfish, and there's not a day goes by where I don't loathe myself for not being stronger.
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18-03-2011 20:23 #75
omg...i could write so many of these posts.....the not dealing with a screaming baby....dp walking in the door and practically throwing dd in his face....standing in the shower crying...absolutley sobbing sometimes...wishing i could go back and not have kids...sometimes the crying, the whinging, the nagging its just sooooo overwhelming....
my biggest guilts...(3 of many) when dd1's dad and i split...oh sometimes i blamed her...a little defenceless totally blameless 2 yr old (at that time)...when he walked out on us i always wondered if we hadnt had her....then maybe....we may have worked out (so glad it didnt now but back them it consumed me...)
when i was pregnant with dd2 i absolutely resented her...the pregnancy was awful....i was sick constantly...kidney infection which almost resulted in kidney failure....and before i was preg with her...we lost a bubba...and when i fell with her...i was mad....stupid i know but i didnt want her...i wanted the baby i lost...it took me the whole 34 weeks i knew i was pg to "want her"...and when she was born...the love i felt for her...instant...but i was terrified she would be born and id feel nothing...
and then to top it off once dd2 was born...she was soooo sick...in the scn....couldnt breathe was changing colours due to lack of blood flow...then got a seveer case of jaundice...and of course i blamed myself...if id wanted her then she wouldnt be sick...
being a mum is tough...so tough...rewarding but sometimes so emotionally draining i dont know where to turn for some relief...
to all you brave mums out there....
18-03-2011 20:35 #76
It is so comforting to hear other people's posts, I often have feelings that I just am too ashamed to admit because I can't possibly think other mothers could feel that way.
I am useless with kids, my own included. DS is 4 and I cannot seem to entertain him no matter what, I end up frustrated, unable to cope with the mess yet nothing is being played with but I was unable to teach him to play by himself - I don't know how I failed on that.
He pushes my buttons beyond belief. I find myself like a deranged person shouting at a 4yo who just doesn't listen and either cant or wont understand. He doesn't play well with DD (she 1) and as she still puts everything in her mouth I feel like I'm forever telling him to put things away rather than just allowing him to play.
I too had two bad sleepers and remember screaming at them to shut up, being less gentle with them then I should have been. DS was so naughty a few weeks ago that I told him I was leaving that I couldn't put up with being treated like this anymore.
I feel completely and utterly useless, I don't seem to know how to deal with my own children. I try to set the boundaries and stick to them but he pushes me so far that I end up giving in after telling him he's being selfish and difficult and I can't put up with hearing him talk and whinge at me. DD is so clingy still that I just want her to leave me alone - I put a gate across our kitchen a month ago as I needed somewhere that was just for me without worrying who was getting in to what.
I love my children, I really do. But I feel like I constantly fail them and make them miserable and myself at the same time!
18-03-2011 20:43 #77-
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- The 'Gong, NSW
Sometimes I think that I would love to have a time machine and go back to before she was born, but then I think about how much light she brings into my world.
At times I feel like I don't want to have to "Deal" with this child for the rest of my life... Why did I do this, what good is a child.
I'm sure I have some depression issues, but I am too proud/ scared to admit it, and when I have asked for help from my DP/ mum (saying I felt like I wanted to just curl up and die) they both fobbed it off, told me I was being silly and to suck it up. That was almost a year ago, and I haven't done anything about it....
18-03-2011 20:44 #78
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18-03-2011 20:50 #79
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18-03-2011 20:52 #80
This thread is great...
I feel like a total failure as a mum :'(
DS1 has totally rejected me... he is 11 and lives with his father. His father and I are divorced (been 4 years now) and since we split up DS1 has rejected me, told an unbelievable amount of lies about me to his father (DS2 and DD tell their dad that DS1 is lying, but their father won't believe them, instead believing the lies )
DS1 has ADHD and he is very difficult to handle... I have never mistreated him, but I have gotten to breaking point several times where I have had to run to my room to cry.
He would keep DS2 and DD awake at night singing songs about how much he hated me and how much I suck and how he only loves his Dad - upsetting DS1 and DD terribly.
His father has repartnered and DS1 now (with his father's approval) calls his step mother Mum and me by my name.
I hate that there is a part of me that is relieved I no longer have to deal with his behaviour, his need to disrupt and destroy things and his lies anymore.
I am devastated that he has rejected me like this, it breaks my heart, but there is another part of me (and I hate this part) that thinks "well f... you too! I hope you have a child just like you when you grow up, and I hope they do the same thing to you!" I love him so much, but I find it so hard to even like him right now. :'( I hate that I don't miss him at all now he has refused to come here, and that it feels more like we are a family when he is not here. I also hate that my DH and I are ttc a child together and there is this part of me that thinks "oh well, I'll just have another baby".
It is good to read everyone's posts here, and to know I'm not the only one with problems and shame, but I swear, I feel like the worst mother out there
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