I have tried writing a million times but I can not write my failures.I can not put it out there.
In summary I have nearly killed my daughter during the worst period of my life(PPP postpartum psychosis)
I believe my family would be better of without DH but can't leave because I have no where to go except my mums and to me DH is the lesser of 2 evils.He is a wonderful father and loves the girls more then life but he is terrible with money,gambling and alcohol and I am forever making excuses why I can't buy the kids things because he has wasted the money.Every week is a struggle.
One day my kids are going to wake up and realise what a crap mother I am and they will leave and feel about me the way I do my mum.
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18-03-2011 10:18 #31
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18-03-2011 10:21 #32
18-03-2011 10:23 #33
Alright Nomsie. Please reinstate my original post if possible. I was scared everyone would just read it and not share their own. Its wonderful to see people being so brave and hopefully this thread helps at least one person.
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18-03-2011 10:24 #34
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18-03-2011 10:24 #35
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18-03-2011 10:26 #36
I have a hard time getting along with children who are in the 5,6,7 yr old age group. I don't like them at that age and I don't know why. Before that...fine...after that it gets better, but those few years (give or take) I really don't like my children (love them to bits though )
18-03-2011 10:27 #37
Being a mum is the hardest job in the world. Sometimes it can feel very unrewarding!
I have major guilt over 3 things in my life, unfortunately they all happened to my DS which makes it even harder to bear
First one was breastfeeding. He was about 6-7 months old and started fussing at the breast. He was angry, frustrated and seemed like he was hungry. He started loosing weight and I freaked. I spoke to the Dr, the MCHN and eventually the ABA who all told me he was fine, he was just going through a growth spurt, or just being fussy. I had plenty of milk, my body knew what to do etc.
Against my own better judgement and gut feeling, I trusted the people who were supposed to know.
When he was 8 months old, he was in a right royal state while I was on a day trip with my sister. Frustrated beyond belief, I went to a supermarket, brought a bottle, bottled water and a tin of formula. DS practically INHALED it. He scoffed it down so fast I burst into tears. This child had NEVER accepted a bottle, ever. Not even EBM and God knows I tried! In a matter of minutes it was gone, I could see him satisfied with every gulp. And he was content afterwards.
I vowed never to listen to a "professional" again. That vow has saved my kids many times.
I still cry over it, my stomach is in knots as I write this, all I want to do is go get my now 11 year old from school and hug him tight!
Second one was wanting to give him up to his father. I didn't want him living with me anymore, I was scared of him. I was scared for DD and I was over my house being destroyed. Dealing with him sent me into a pit of depression so deep that I was barely functioning.
I marched him into the Dr, broke down and told him that if we both don't get help, I'm going to abandon my life. He was later diagnosed with ADHD and its perfectly managed now.
Third one was last year. I was having coffee with a friend. The kids were playing on the restaurants indoor play equipment. Normally I don't let them play unsupervised, I'm paranoid like that, but I'm trying to allow him some freedom as he is 11 after all, and I know its time.The whole damn place was filled with kids younger than mine playing on their own, and I let that guide my poor judgement.
Well, he fell off the equipment and dislocated his elbow. I was horrified. I totally blame myself. It makes me sick in the stomach to think I put a stupid coffee and chat in front of supervising my child.
I'll never forget the image of him walking over to me with his elbow hanging. It makes me want to vomit. I wasn't there for him when he needed me most, instead he picked himself up off the floor, badly injured, to come and get me. There is NO EXCUSE, no words in the effing world for that. Actually there is..its disgraceful parent. I'll never forgive myself.
18-03-2011 10:31 #38
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18-03-2011 10:43 #39Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
This thread is making me cry. So many awesome women all blaming themselves, and being so hard on themselves. And I get it, as I do it too.
I've been so up and down since DD was born (8.5mths ago), and last week I went to the doctor complaining of tiredness and 'hormones' making me teary. She immediately started talking to me about PND, and I immediately burst into tears. Now, I don't think I have PND. I've done the test that she gave me, and scored 'borderline', but I do know that I have found being a parent both the most wonderful thing I ever did and also the hardest thing I ever did.
One thing that has helped me feel so much better has been that my parents have DD one day a week. And I feel terrible that I need that break to feel better. I feel as if everyone else is coping fine, and no one else needs a break, and that I must be a terrible person for needing that time out.
I think we all (me included) need to remember that we're not alone. It IS hard. And there is no shame in admitting that. It doesn't mean we love our children any less!
18-03-2011 10:50 #40
I feel like it was preventable and thats what gets me most, he was swinging on the monkey bars and fell, if I was there I would have told him not to swing so high! The Ambos wanted to sedate me because I was barely able to breathe, and my stomach was cramping so badly I was crying. I refused, felt like I should be in pain cos he was. I know thats silly, but guilt does strange things to a brain. Ironically, the Dr asked me first off if he was on monkey bars! Number 1 cause of elbow injuries according to him.
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